How come the Big Dance doesn’t have a big ‘ol dance at the end?

March Madness is an exhausting enterprise, especially for those teams that are able to stay alive through its third weekend. By then, they will have traveled to their conference tournament site — and back to campus — their Round of 64 site — and back to campus — their regional final site — and back to campus — and finally, to the site of the Final Four, before going back to campus, all within less than one month.

For most teams, there’s no tangible reward. They get to go to the “Big Dance,” but once they’re knocked out, they go home. The plug gets pulled out on whatever fun they were having — and sure they receive some praise from their peers when they return to campus, but that’s sort of anticlimactic after the effort and time they gave that was all but demanded of them.

This is why I think every team that gets invited to the NCAA tournament should also be given literal tickets to a big dance. March Madness needs proper closure, and the NCAA — which makes more than $1 billion every year off the tournament in TV revenue alone — has more than enough money for the lights, streamers, party favors, hats, and other accouterments needed to show players a fun time.

Here are other reasons why there should be a dance.

I went to two-week sleepaway camp every summer from age-9 to age-13. On the very last night, we used to sing songs by, like, John Denver and Cat Stevens. The songs were slow and sappy and geared towards adolescents who were just discovering what feelings were. That’s not really important. The important thing was the time we had to stop and reflect on the lifetime it felt like we lived at Camp Algonquin.

Dances let you do the same thing. It’s a break in the routine — an exhale at last — except unlike a sing-a-long, dances are upbeat fun on account of the music, decorations, and stuff. Given how much college kids like to party and also be rewarded for their efforts, a big dance seems like it would be a big hit!

Dances should never be mandatory. Not everyone likes them — some people aren’t much for loud music, or feel overwhelmed by large groups, or just plain ‘ol don’t feel like they dance very well. If you don’t want to go to the big dance, you wouldn’t have to.

Why do they call the NCAA tournament the “Big Dance,” anyway? It doesn’t seem very dance-like to me. But if there was a big dance at the end of the NCAA tournament, then people could no longer have any qualms about calling it the Big Dance. The big dance would solve a long-standing etymological quandary.

The NCAA is really good at hosting a basketball tournament. What’s the No. 1 thing you need to host a basketball tournament? Basketball courts. What’s the best place to hold a big dance? A basketball court. The NCAA has access to probably thousands of basketball courts! It would be no sweat trying to find a place to hold the dance.

I don’t want people to think that college basketball players are somehow more important than other people. If I had my way, everybody would get to have a big dance after they did something really important. Nail that presentation you spent months preparing for? Big dance. Complete that DIY book shelf? Big dance. Learn to play harmonica? Big dance. Sometimes you can have a big dance for no reason at all!

Now I know what you’re thinking. You have some qualms. Let’s address some of the questions you may have.

I asked my editor to read this and tell me if this article was too stupid to post on our website. She didn’t really say either way, but also she brought up a good question: Band or DJ? I said that I would go with a really good band that can play all the hits, because there’s nothing like the energy of live music. She brought up the fact that the DJ could be DJ Khaled, and I thought that was a great point.

It has to occur after the NCAA tournament ends. So, Tuesday? Tuesday would work.

They miss class for all the games, anyway. What’s one day? Any teams flying in from different parts of the country would have to get permission from their teachers, of course. Some of their friends could take notes for them in the classes they miss.

Anybody who played in the NCAA tournament! Across 68 teams you could create a pretty big party.

Of course! Significant others and family would all be allowed.

The NCAA. The NCAA would also fly everybody in because that’s the least it could do.

Ugh, yeah, probably.

I sort of misjudged how much I would actually have to say about this issue. If you have any Big Dance or big dance related thoughts, please let me know!