‘The Bachelor’ episode 10 recap: Raven ostensibly has an orgasm, Rachel finally goes home, the women tell all

‘Sup, Sports Bachelor Nation. If you’re anything like me, you’re firmly planted on your couch surrounded by pieces of kettle corn that didn’t make it to your mouth as you wait for this endless episode to begin. Not only do we have the rest of the Fantasy Suite dates to make it through tonight, we also have to stay alive for “The Women Tell All,” which is when all the scorned lovers of this season assemble on a stage, laugh at Chris “White Strips” Harrison’s charming jokes, and verbally berate each other and Nick “Handsome Software Salesman” Viall.

So I won’t waste any more of your precious time than I need to. Let’s get down and dirty.

At the end of last episode, Raven dropped a bomb on the American people when she revealed the GOP’s new plan to repeal and replace Obamacare. Hah, kidding, she just told us she had never had an orgasm. She also told Nick this.

Now, I’m not a man, but I can imagine that if you are a man, and a woman you’re about to have sex with tells you she’s never climaxed before, you might feel, oh, I don’t know, an insane amount of pressure to deliver. Men should, of course, feel that pressure all the time, but The Patriarchy is a hell of a drug, so they often don’t.

I had this theory for a while that Nick was really bad at sex because he kept getting dumped right after he “had intercourse” (to quote Corinne) with women on The Bachelorette. But I may be wrong, because if Raven is telling the truth, she appears to have finally had an orgasm thanks to Nick. At least that’s what I’m guessing the montage of her running through the streets of Inissdlggaardddslgaaaad, Finland, is supposed to represent.

I could write a thousand words on this montage alone, because I’m pretty sure it’s the greatest moment in television history: Raven skips in front of a rainbow wall, makes snow angels, high-fives strangers on the street, pats a Finnish dog, and kisses a stuffed reindeer on the nose.

This is also highly relatable content, because every woman I know runs through the streets grinning after she has great sex with a man wearing a very thick turtleneck.

Rachel’s date with Nick is honestly pretty boring. There’s some yadda yadda yadda-ing about whether she’s been open enough with Nick. It all feels very forced.

Which leads me to my conspiracy theory: I think Rachel and Nick knew, at this point, that Rachel was going to be the next Bachelorette. They seem very familiar with each other, and like they genuinely care about each other, but they don’t seem ... like they can’t keep their hands off each other. There’s something that feels a little manufactured about their interaction, and I wonder whether they didn’t, like, strike a deal by this point. Or have some brilliant producer strike it for them.

Nick makes fun of Rachel for “losing her mind” after the volleyball date, and I can’t remember that at all, because this show is a marathon, not a sprint, and the miles have all started to run together. But I don’t *think* Rachel lost her mind, so I’m a little bit peeved at Nick for telling a woman she was being crazy for having emotions.

Rachel then says something like, “You’re refreshing,” or “You’re not like other guys,” and Nick delivers the worst line of the night:

“I might be white, but I’m still a minority.”

Winky face.

Ugh.

Nick gives Rachel the envelope with the Sexy Time key in it. The Sexy Time key opens the door to the Fantasy Suite, which is just a hotel room filled with candles and roses in which the two parties in question can finally bang. Each Bachelor is allowed to bang the three final contestants.

Now is a good time to tell you that I moved to Brooklyn from Washington D.C. over the weekend (this anecdote doesn’t have to do with Sexy Time, don’t worry). I found this great apartment with these two very nice people who for some reason agreed to let me live with them, despite the bad jokes I tell, and the fact that I eat the cookie dough pieces out of cookie dough ice cream and then put the pint back in the fridge.

I’m telling you this because one of my new roommates has never seen The Bachelor before, but he’s watching it with me after I explained to him that viewing this show is actually my job. When Nick hands Rachel the Sexy Time key, my roommate goes, “Wait, so, does every one get the Fantasy Suite key?”

“Yeah, if Nick decides he wants to give it to them,” I say.

“So he’s literally offering them the key ... which is his penis,” says my roommate.

“Yeah,” I say.

This is not a segment of the show, it’s just a belief I hold and feel like should be written in bold and all caps.

Rachel and Nick do the deed, ostensibly, and wake up in the morning, as couples who’ve just had sex are wont to do. Nick makes Rachel breakfast, and she’s wearing a fleece onesie with penguins on it that was definitely chosen so that people would tweet about it. So I tweet about it.

Vanessa’s hometown date was basically a disaster. Her family decided they low-key hate Nick (my words, not theirs, but that was the vibe). For his Sexy Time date with Vanessa, Nick takes her to a Finnish spa where they don matching blue bathing suits and jump in and out of a very cold pool and then go into a very hot steam room.

As someone who grew up in New England jumping into super cold water in the winter just for the hell of it, I just want to go on record saying that they’re babies for not dunking their heads.

Things then get heavy, which is par for the course for Vanessa and Nick. Vanessa is like, “Hey man, there are some things I’m not willing to compromise on.” And Nick is like, “Like what?” And Vanessa is basically like, “My family.” And Nick tells her that one of his first serious girlfriend’s families was way too involved in their relationship, so he’s spooked by that, and that Vanessa’s family seems too traditional. Which he eventually boils down to his feeling that having to go to lunch at her mom’s house every Sunday would be a real burden.

And I’m like — listen, dude. When I lived near my family, I’d have dinner every Sunday with my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my cousins. We had a blast. If some guy had been like, “It’s too much that you have dinner with your family once a week, I’m out,” I’d have been like, “Yes, you are out, and please never come back, because you’re actually kind of a controlling dick.”

Now, I understand that Vanessa has seemed especially close to her family, and they did kind of hate Nick, and she does seem reluctant to move away from Canada. So the fact that he’s a little concerned about how her attachment would affect them as a couple is somewhat valid. But Nick doesn’t really seem to be considering Vanessa at all here, especially when he says he is a “proud American” and therefore doesn’t want to move to Canada.

This is funny, because I know a lot of Americans right now who would give their left foot for Canadian citizenship. But maybe Nick is just waiting for America to be great again. Maybe he really wants to see how that whole plan pans out.

“This is a pretty awful date,” says my roommate, and I agree.

The evening date is so dumb, because they’re hanging out in this dope yurt in the Arctic Circle under the northern lights, but all they can do is spew word salad about their feelings at each other. This is what their conversation sounds like:

Vanessa tells Nick she loves him and then they retire to another yurt to bang.

I guess we’re just cutting right to the chase, because we’re at the rose ceremony now. The women are wearing stunning dresses and we all know Rachel is going home — even though she is definitely the coolest one in the lineup — because she has to be the next Bachelorette.

Chris Harrison shows up for his requisite 27 seconds of screen time.

“It’s gonna be a difficult day,” he says to Nick.

“Not easy,” says Nick.

“You ready?” Chris Harrison asks.

“Yeah,” Nick says.

I want Chris Harrison’s job.

Nick is crying a lot as he gives Rachel the boot.

“I thought we had a really, really good thing,” she says, and while she’s sad, she’s not angry enough to convince me that I’m wrong about there being some sneaky deal to make her the next Bachelorette.

Especially since Nick doesn’t give any good reason for getting rid of her. And, no offense to Raven and Vanessa, I just can’t see a world in which you get rid of Rachel, the smart, funny, kind, gorgeous lawyer, over either of the remaining two women.

She’s crying in the limo, but I’m still skeptical.

So somehow we have two hours of the women telling all, and only one hour of the actual show. I’d be super pissed about this had my new roommate not just brought down bowls of ice cream.

My other roommate comes home and watches for a few minutes before wisely going into his room and closing the door.

I’m not going to take you through everything that the women tell because, frankly, it’s the most painful thing I’ve watched since I saw Falcons fans crying after the Super Bowl at NRG Stadium in Houston.

Seriously. It’s just a bunch of women screaming at each other, interspersed with pseudo-inspirational moments when they say stuff like, “You are judged by who you are, not by what you do.” If you’re talking about being sex positive, that’s great. But if this is a more general statement, you’re wrong, because if you were right, all the kind-hearted murderers in the world would be free and every cheating spouse would still be happily married.

My IQ is plummeting as I listen to Corinne and Taylor yell at each other about who took more naps. I already didn’t like Taylor, but I also like Corinne less and less as she talks (this is too bad, because I’d just come around). She does reveal that her mother had ovarian cancer, and I feel for her. But then she says that she calls Raquel her “nanny” because “cleaning lady” belittles what Raquel actually is to Corinne, which is more of a second mother.

I’m not sure nanny is actually that much more respectful? I don’t know, I already felt gross about how they made Raquel — who is a real, living, breathing human — into a punchline on this television show, and this just reinforces that feeling.

Liz then says, kind of apropos of nothing, “As women, we should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.” It reminds me of when Taylor Swift told Nicki Minaj that it wasn’t like her to “pit women against each other.” It’s just a bullshit way for one woman to get out of dealing with something real and critical another woman says about her. I’m here for women, I will ride for women, but I’m not going to support a woman I disagree with just because she’s also a woman. That’s not feminism, that’s stupidity.

Then they show a bunch of bloopers, which are better than the actual show and make me wonder why they don’t just make the whole show the bloopers. It would be way funnier.

Anyway, see you guys next week for the final episode. I’m really sad, but also really ready for America to get over Nick so we can move on to Rachel.