A play-by-play of the new ‘Star Wars’ trailer for people who can’t watch it

Sometimes people with real jobs can’t watch movie trailers at work because a) they’re actually working or b) their bosses sit really close to them. If you are one of those people, don’t worry: My coworkers and I watched it at our office for you, because Star Wars is sports.

I will now describe what happens in the trailer so that you can feel like you’ve seen it, even if you haven’t. But here’s the trailer, if you’d rather just watch it. Consider this your parachute ripcord if you want to avoid the rest of this blog:

Still here? Welp, let’s enter this free-fall together, then.

I’m not going to give you any context other than to just describe what is going on so that you can really feel like you’re watching it, too.

We begin in darkness. Ominous music plays. All of a sudden, we cut to Rey, who appears to have just landed on a rock from a fall. She’s wearing gray sweater sleeves that do not appear to be connected to the sweater itself, her hair is kind of messed up (but, like, sexy messed up), and she’s breathing hard.

Now we are soaring over what looks like an ocean, approaching what I’m pretty sure is an island made of rock, because most islands are, and also Rey fell onto a rock moments ago. I took Geology 101 junior year of college to fulfill the science requirement, so I’m basically an expert: Please believe me when I tell you this rock is definitely volcanic.

Rey is standing on Volcanic Rock Island looking out at the sea.

A man’s voice kind of whispers, “What do you see?” as the camera pans over the back of an old woman or man’s head. Well, sir, now I see a smoldering pile of rubbish, because that’s what the camera zooms in on next. Now I see more darkness. Now a light is shining on a map and it looks like Mordor but I know it isn’t because this is Star Wars: The Last Jedi, not Lord of the Rings: The Fifth Million Film.

We’re back on Geology 101 Island, where Rey, in her Bill Belichick-sleeve sweater, is practicing her lightsaber skills on a cliff overlooking the sea. It looks pretty dope, if a little lonely.

“THIS CHRISTMAS” flashes onto the screen.

Now we see big-ass drones flying across a desert. They’re shooting out red stuff, so they look like they’re bleeding. Now there’s a guy in a space suit. Now there’s another guy in a space suit, and he’s running through the halls of a space castle, I’m pretty sure. Now more hovercrafts are shooting stuff.

Darth Vader and some other Bad Dudes with lightsabers show up briefly to march across more darkness. R2D2 is also there. He’s standing in front of civilization, which appears to be burning, which feels less like a Sci Fi film and more like our current global reality.

Soaring music plays, and “STAR WARS THE LAST JEDI” flashes across the screen.

The trailer ends.

Ryan Nanni: “My prime takeaway is don’t run with a lightsaber.”

Seth Rosenthal: “But do practice your lightsaber skills on a beachside cliff.”

Ryan: “I mean, all you can take away is that if you become a Jedi, you will eventually go off the grid. You become some back-woodsy guy who’s like, ‘Yeah, I keep gold under my bed.”

Seth: “All Jedis read Infowars.”

Ryan: “Jedis don’t have checking accounts.”

Seth: “They’re like, ‘Ever heard of bitcoin?’”

Ryan: “They’re like, ‘I live by myself in some remote-ass destination.’”