‘Bachelorette’ Episode 1 recap: Rachel deals with a creepy doll that speaks French, a guy who yells ‘whaboom!’ and our scene is set

Well, folks, I hope you’ve got your fantasy league lineups set and your cool beer chilling next to your La-Z-Boys, because it’s here: Dating Game Day. A.K.A. the first episode of The Bachelorette’s Season 13, when a roster of strapping men in their prime must impress Rachel Lindsay enough so that she doesn’t cut them from the squad after one trot around the field, which is in this case the grounds of a mansion in California.

As a Bachelor sportswriter for three seasons now, I think I can safely say that Rachel has quadruple the personality of your typical Bachelor or Bachelorette. Take Nick Viall, for example, last season’s cardboard cut-out of a man: If he were a crafting supply, he’d be wet paper maché. Rachel is glitter, but not the annoying kind that gets everywhere, the good kind that comes in glue tubes so you can draw with it.

Rachel is a lawyer from Dallas, and even though Nick cut her from the final three a few months ago, all the other women on the show and most of America seemed to fall deeply in love with her. I believe Chris “Crest White Strips and Apparently a New Dye Job” Harrison when he calls Rachel, “the most beloved Bachelorette of all time.”

She’s also the first black woman or man to star on the show. She recently spoke to Katie Barnes of ESPN and said this:

It’s huge. It’s very humbling to be the first. It was something that, I’ll admit, I was scared to do. All the eyes on you, and people will have their opinions, and they’ll be judging me, some for good and some for bad. Meanwhile, I’m trying to find love. That’s a lot, and I didn’t know if I wanted to go about it in this way.

Then, I thought of the positive. I have the opportunity to represent myself as a black woman to America, and show them that just because I’m black doesn’t mean my search for love has to be any different. There’s a lot of brave people that have paved the way for me to even have the opportunity to be the first black “Bachelorette.”

I’m standing on their shoulders.

Now that we know what we’re doing here, let’s do it.

The first thing we need to talk about is Rachel’s adorable dog and how she’s allowed to fly with him or her. I’m a little worried about the dog because it appears to be wearing a cast. But maybe we’ll get to learn more about this delightful pet as the season goes on. A girl can dream.

Rachel gets to L.A. and says she feels like she’s in the movie Clueless. I deeply identify with this, because I’ve never been to L.A., but I’m pretty sure the first thing I would say when I got there was that I feel like I’m in Clueless. Clueless is the most culturally significant thing about L.A.

We see two old white ladies talking to Rachel on the street. One tells her she’s rooting for her, and the other tells her not to sleep with all of the guys. I yell, “Rachel can do whatever she damn well wants,” but the old ladies can’t hear me, because they’re in the television.

The best thing about the first episode of The Bachelorette is the intro videos some guys get. You might think, “Isn’t this a dead giveaway for who makes it far into the season?” But no, they aren’t. The producers are wily assholes known for pump fakes.

We meet Kenny, the wrestler with a 10-year-old daughter. We also meet Jack Stone, who gets two names for some reason, even though everyone else only gets one name. Jack Stone is a lawyer with a creepy smile. Alex from Detroit is a meathead who says “I like to code, I like technology, I like math, I like Rubik’s cubes,” which is something a robot doing an impression of a smart human would say.

Then we meet Lucas, a guy who shakes his head back and forth very quickly while he screams “WHABOOM!!!!” It sounds like something a terrifying clown at a kid’s birthday party would do. I’m worried about Lucas. He makes me want to die a little bit.

I want to die a lot when we meet Blake E. He says “I don’t want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis, but —” and, honestly, it doesn’t matter what he says next, because he’s already made his bed. I hate Blake E. with a passion reserved for my worst ex.

We also meet Diggy, who owns 570-something pairs of sneakers.

Josiah’s intro video is deeply sad and very moving; he tells the story of his brother’s suicide, and how Josiah had to be the one to cut his brother down from a tree in the backyard. Josiah says that he then got involved in crime, until a court judge pulled him aside at his hearing when he was 12 and said, “You have the best grades,” encouraging him to clean up his act. Josiah is now a lawyer in the same place he grew up.

Rachel’s BFFs from Nick’s season show up to counsel Rachel before the dudes arrive, and I almost start to cry, because it’s like being reunited with long lost friends. This is embarrassing. Admitting you feel like you’re friends with the cast of a reality show is about as Basic American as you can get. But Raven and Kristina and Corinne occupied so much of my brain space that saying I feel anything less than love for them would be a falsehood. And I am not in the business of fake news.

A fun thing my TV does is cut out when the subway runs underneath my apartment, so I miss part of this reunion. But when the picture cuts back in I see Raven start to cry as she tells Rachel, “I hope someone goes hard for you.” Now they’re all crying, and I’m not not crying, and for a moment I believe in true love.

The guys in the limo are all probably blacked out already, as is tradition on Opening Day. Peter gets out first. He’s a tall white man with a gap between his two front teeth. I think Rachel likes him because they seem to have chemistry, and then she stares at him as he walks into the house. She says, “he’s cute.” This reminds me of what Jojo did last season when she first met Jordan, and now they’re engaged. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Josiah the attorney shows up with a law joke that makes me groan. Kenny, the wrestler, shows up with dance moves. We meet Rob, a law student with a forgettable face, which I say because I can’t remember what his face looks like. Bryan speaks Spanish to Rachel. He is the guy at the bar who won’t leave you alone, even when you make it very clear you don’t need to learn how to say, “Yes, I would like to go home with you” in Spanish, because that won’t be happening.

There are so many dudes. I feel like I’m in a dude vortex.

Rachel meets DeMario, who Whitney from last season warned her about, but I can’t remember why. Rachel is going to give DeMario a shot, she tells Chris “Chambray Shirt Sleeves on a Saturday” Harrison.

Rachel also meets Fred, who shows up with a yearbook because they went to the same school when Rachel — who’s a few years older than he is — was his camp counselor. He shows her her photo from elementary school. Rachel says she’s having trouble seeing Fred as anything other other than “the third grader I used to discipline for being a bad little boy, and not in a sexy way.”

Brady the male model does this stupid “ice breaker” bit and I hate him.

Adam, are you high? You’re going to bring a doll of yourself — named ADAM JR.!? — to meet a woman you’re trying not only to sleep with but also to ultimately marry? When, Adam, in the history of the world (besides horror films) has this bit ever worked? When have you showed up to a date with a stuffed human, whose face is rudimentarily drawn in with Sharpie, and actually gone home with a woman?

And, Adam, if this has sealed the deal for you in the past, how many of those women have left your house alive?

There’s a man wearing a penguin suit, but I can’t remember his name. There’s Jack Stone, who I now realize sounds like a character from 50 Shades of Grey. There’s Lucas, the “Whaboom!” guy, who brings a megaphone to the set and tells Rachel one of his testicles is bigger than the other. There’s one guy, whose name I forget, who dresses up like Steve Urkel (it’s very hard to remember 30 men’s names, OK?) There’s Blake E., the penis guy, who shows up with a marching band.

Hunter Harris, who writes for New York Magazine and actually critiques TV and film for a living, texts me this:

Really makes you think.

Josiah scoops Rachel up first and tells her the story of how he’s a lawyer in the place he grew up. Rachel likes that story.

Dean, the white guy who said, “I’m ready to go black and never go back,” when he first met Rachel, sucks. Rachel says she liked his opening line. Hunter says this:

Dean is kind of snivel-y and moved to L.A. for the beach. So he naturally brings a sandbox to the party, which no one wants, ever. The guy in the penguin suit, whose name I also can’t remember*, is balding.

*Side note: How does Rachel remember these guys’ names without the TV name tags hovering over them IRL?

The producers have now dubbed French over the doll as though he were a human and I’m not sure whether I’m laughing or crying.

I can’t stand Bryan, the smarmy Spanish speaker. He kisses Rachel, and I remember how kissing on the Bachelor/ette always sounds gross. Rachel seems to like it.

DeMario says he’s the No. 1 seed, which is very much sports. Rachel says she likes DeMario.

Poor Mohit. He’s 100 percent going home.

Lucas, the “whaboom!” guy ...

... is narrating Rachel’s conversation with Peter through the megaphone as they talk to each other. I thought I hated Lucas, but man, this is really funny. He’s quality television. He’s not going home. He is this season’s Corinne, and when he doesn’t win it all, I hope they find each other, get married, and have the most self-absorbed kids on the planet.

Blake E., Penis Guy who is certifiably Not Cool, calls out Whaboom guy, who has literally Nothing to Lose. Whaboom guy tells Blake E. that everyone has “a little whaboom” in them. But Blake E. clearly does not.

The beauty of The Bachelorette is that someone whose profession is listed as “aspiring drummer” can try to tell someone who’s profession is listed simply as “whaboom” that he needs to take things more seriously.

Oh, also, some creep who calls himself a Tickle Monster tells Rachel to close her eyes and then tickles her. I wish she’d kneed him in the groin.

Kenny tells Rachel that his wrestling name is Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King. Kenny also tells Rachel about his daughter, and Kenny seems very sweet. I think I’m here for Kenny.

Bryan kisses Rachel again. Mohit, swaying back and forth as he slurs his speech in a corner, yells through a window, “NO, KEEP YOUR MOUTH AWAY!” I can say with certainty that if you try to tell me you’ve never been Mohit, you’re lying.

Bryan gets the first impression rose. Rachel apparently was into his gross kisses. I’m not thrilled, but this is Rachel’s life to lead and game to win or lose as she sees fit.

We didn’t see much of Anthony, the handsome Fullbright scholar, but he gets a rose, and I think we’ll see more of him as the season goes on. I say this because I like Anthony and want to will this to be true.

Also safe from elimination are: Fred from Third Grade, Penis Guy, Whaboom Guy, and Adam the Doll Guy. In short: All of the ones who could be the annoying coworker in a rom com. I can’t tell if the producers make Rachel do this or if she’s smart enough to know she needs to keep some weirdos around for D-R-A-M-A. Probably the latter.

But Rachel also keeps Kenny, Josiah, DeMario, Peter, and a few others I can’t remember but who all seem less likely to kill you in your sleep.

Poor, drunk Mohit goes home, which is probably for the best, because he’s most likely still recovering this epic hangover two months later. Blake K. goes home, too, which makes me sad, because he’s a marine who’s very handsome and seemed pretty cool. Blake K., DM me. Just kidding (but seriously).

The sun is coming up, because they shoot all night, and I can’t think of anything sadder than realizing the sun is rising and you’re blackout drunk in a mansion with 30 other dudes. But then again, I’m single, and one of these dudes is now engaged to Rachel, so maybe I’m the one searching for love in all the wrong places.

I had my own ideas about who makes it far but I’m going to let my friend Wes Lowery tell you his very serious predictions, because he’s won a Pulitzer before.

The white guy with the creepy teeth is Peter, for those of you keeping track at home. I would add, however, that I do really think Anthony will get some serious face time.

My early top-three prediction: Anthony, Peter, and Josiah.

I miss some of the previews for the rest of the season because another subway train is going underneath my apartment, so the TV signal cuts out again. But I can tell that this guy Lee — who I forgot to talk about at all during the recap because I found his country music, guitar-guy shtick boring — is going to be the villain. In one scene we see Kenny bleeding from the eye. Rachel has a meltdown and is crying in a corner in another cut. They go to Sweden. I am amped.

I also will be so bold as to say that I think this might be the best season of The Bachelorette yet. Rachel is compelling and funny, these dudes seem interesting, and we’ve already got a doll who speaks French, a dog wearing a cast, and a man in a penguin suit, so.

Let the best man win.