MLB players can wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend. Here are some ideas

There are four important things in baseball. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Hair

2. Walk-up songs

3. Hot dogs

4. Nicknames

I’ve written about baseball hair before, and I have asked baseball players about hot dogs before. I have not written about walk-up songs before, because the only take I have is that “Wild Heart” by Stevie Nicks is the best walk-up song in the world. And I don’t know that anyone is interested in hearing that opinion.

Actually, hold on. It just occurred to me that this is my blog, and I can write whatever I want in this fresh, blank space that I’ve yet to totally mess up with hot takes. So let’s take a detour real quick and do this: “Wild Heart” by Stevie Nicks is the best walk-up song.

No, I’m not just saying that because it has Wild in the title and I am inclined, by the nature of my last name, to like songs with Wild in the title. I am saying this because it’s true: There are few songs that aren’t “Bankhead” by T.I. that get me as amped up as a Stevie Nicks banger. “Wild Heart” has the perfect slow build, followed by a driving crescendo that makes you want to step up to the plate and hit dingers.

OK, fine, you got me: This diversion is just an excuse to embed this video of Stevie Nicks singing “Wild Heart” backstage in the 1970s while she gets her makeup done:

I’m not even a little bit sorry about it.

Anyway, we’re back on the blog highway again, heading toward the real subject of this post, which is No. 3 on the list of Important Baseball Things: nicknames.

The reason I’m writing about nicknames is because MLB recently announced that for the weekend of Aug. 25, the league will relax the restrictions on uniforms. Players will be able to wear jerseys with their names on the back as well as fluorescent-colored shoes. They’ll also be able to put a patch on their jerseys bearing the name of a person or organization who’s been instrumental to their development (that’s Baseball Speak). Proceeds from the nickname jerseys that fans buy will go to the Youth Development Foundation, which is something we can all agree is good. Who doesn’t want to develop the youth, foundationally speaking?

This news got me thinking about baseball nicknames. There have been some historically great ones, from Yogi, to Babe, to Mr. October, to Say Hey Kid, to Panda, to Joey Bats, to Big Papi, to A-Rod.

But I think we need more. And I think we should streamline the process: What if every players’ nickname was just his name, but with the first letters of his first and last name switched around?

Here’s what the backs of jerseys would look like, because this is an exercise that is clearly too complicated for someone who isn’t a sportswriter to do for themselves. I have included parentheses after each nickname to tell you how funny it is or isn’t, because that is also something you definitely can’t figure out for yourself.

Bryce Harper: Hyce Brarper (Brarper is funny, it sounds like a burp!!!!)

Anthony Rizzo: Ranthony Izzo (R to the Izzo, H to the — [*gets run over by a bus*])

Mike Trout: Trike Mout (pretty good)

Adam Jones: Jadam Ones (eh)

Clayton Kershaw: Klayton Cershaw (bad one)

Manny Machado: Manny Machado (worse one)

Joey Votto: Voey Jotto (boring, in my opinion)

Miguel Cabrera: Ciguel Mabrera (this one makes me laugh)

Andrew McCutchen: Mandrew AcCutchen (Terrible one. How are you supposed to deal with both a vowel and the lower case C for this exercise?)

Hanley Ramirez: Ranley Hamirez (Ranley, hah)

Jackie Bradley Jr.: Brackie Jadley Jr. (Brackie is funny)

Chris Sale: Shris Cale (bad one)

Albert Pujols: Palbert Ujols (hahaha)

Yasiel Puig: Pasiel Yuig (LOL)

Aaron Judge: Jaron Udge (boring)

Chase Utley: Ase Chutley (chucklin’)

Trevor Bauer: Brevor Trauer (mouthful!)

John Lackey: Lohn Jackey (just sounds kind of like a real name)

Jon Lester: Lon Jester (same, sounds like a real name)

Josh Donaldson: Dosh Jonaldson (not bad)

Ben Zobrist: Zen Bobrist (hah)

Zach Britton: Brach Zitton (LOL zits)

Dexter Fowler: Fexter Dowler (hahahahah)

Yadier Molina: Madier Yolina (I’m laughing, truly)

Stephen Piscotty: Pephen Stiscotty (OK, best one, Pephen is so funny)

All right, welp, can’t beat Pephen, so we’re gonna stop here. Thanks for reading this important blog!!!!

Correction: It turns out that you can, in fact, beat Pephen, because the author of this blog forgot about Cole Hamels, whose name switched around is: Hole Camels. And that, folks, is truly unbeatable.