Tim Tebow Watch Watch: In which our hero searches for consistency

Let me be clear: I could not hit .216 against you, the person reading this. If you threw nothing but 55-mph fastballs without any command, I would make weak contact against most of them, occasionally shaking my hands because of a stinger. And if you threw even one pitch inside, hoo boy, I would fold into a lawn chair that you could store in your garage during the winter.

So for Tim Tebow to hit .216 against professional baseball players, years after playing any type of organized baseball, is really impressive to me.

ON THE OTHER HAND, he’s going to turn 30 in August, and he’s hitting .216 against 20-year-olds. He has a .302 on-base percentage and .327 slugging percentage. That wouldn’t be that big of a problem if he were a 19-year-old shortstop, but he’s not. He’s a clompy 29-year-old left fielder.

He might make the majors, and he might do it for that sweet, sweet shirsey money, but he is almost certainly not good enough to make the major leagues because of his baseball skill alone.

Which brings us to our new feature: Tebow Watch Watch, in which we look at different proclamations of Tebow having turned a corner and verify the claims.

Like, oh, this one:

The card for the tweet up there shows us the first sentence of the story, and you can spot the weasel words right away: “might be developing some consistency.” I haven’t written about someone taking a baseball to the beans for a week, so I might be giving that beat up. Or maybe I’m sitting in a dark room, waiting, waiting, waiting for someone to crumple over in extreme pain.

But I might be thinking the whole endeavor is just too immature to continue. Might be sitting on a cache of rare paintings to sell, too.

Maybe the article doesn’t need that “might be,” though. Maybe it was just slipped in by accident, and we’re being too hard on it. How does it read when you click through?

HIGHLIGHTS: Tebow is gradually finding consistency and discipline at the plate. He had hits in three straight games, and in Sunday’s finale at Hagerstown, he walked twice, including once with the bases loaded in the eighth inning of Columbia’s 5-3 victory.

Hey! That does sound consistent. It feels like the kind of consistency that a fella can build on, and certainly not the kind that can be completely obliterated in the very next paragraph.

AT THE PLATE: Tebow was 5 of 26 last week, dropping his average from .221 to .216. He had two RBIs and seven strikeouts — four in one contest at Hagerstown — in seven games.

That also sounds consistent! So I guess the exact wording of the AP’s tweet — “Tebow showing some consistency at the plate” — isn’t wrong. I am showing remarkable consistency with my morning workout routine, too. Going on 800 straight days of not having a morning workout routine, with about 1,800 days before that.

However, upon closer inspection, it appears this Tebow Watch is kind of a ruse. The AP story didn’t have a byline, and there’s someone out there who’s very happy about that. The headline was meant to provide hope, but the copy was a bait-and-switch.

I’ll give this Tebow Watch one-and-a-half Jordans out of five.

Because, see, Michael Jordan also played baseball, and it didn’t end well.

If you’re wondering what the point of this series is, why, I’m glad you asked. It allows us to gather up the Tim Tebow clicks while simultaneously sneering at the story. This snark helps me paper over the hole in my soul, which exists because I’m not young, attractive, and rich, with a butt made out of gold bullion and optimism. So everyone wins!

Except for me.

And maybe Tim Tebow in baseball.

Thank you for your click.