Game of Thrones is a popular TV show about a nephew who’s falling in love with his aunt and they will probably do sex together. They’ve teamed up to fight a bunch of blue-faced ice men and a zombie army who were originally created to keep humans from trashing the natural world (wait, who’s the bad guy?).
7 NFL teams that would would be better off with the Night King at QB
He can throw better than Blake Bortles.
Photo by Neilson Barnard/Getty Images
On the most recent episode of this very hip TV show, the main blue-faced ice man, dubbed the Night King, threw a spear made of weaponized ice into the sky and brought down a dragon. It was the kind of athletic display befitting of draft Twitter hero Tom Savage. And it simply must be capitalized upon with some cutting edge internet content.
Thus, I fell onto my magic steel sword to create said content for you. You are welcome.
Here are some NFL teams who would be better off with the Night King as their quarterback.
Christian Hackenberg made his first and probably last career NFL start on Sunday. He’s terrible. He completed 2 of 6 passing attempts, both check downs to the running back. Josh McCown will be the starter, but only a fictionalized ice man could survive behind that O-line. Maybe.
Former first-round pick Paxton Lynch was a check-down machine on Saturday, completing nine passes for a grand total of 39 yards. He probably won’t be able to beat out Trevor Siemian, who’s best known for beating out Mark Sanchez. At least the Night King could hit Demaryius Thomas on a go route.
The Niners have a plan for rebuilding their franchise — wait a year for Kirk Cousins. In the meantime, they’ll start Brian Hoyer to compete for the first overall pick, probably trade it to a team that does not sign Kirk Cousins, or use it themselves when this plan blows up in their face.
But why wait when you could have the blue-eyed zombie himself chucking the ball literally right through his receivers?
I’m sure Jared Goff is going to be great ... great at something, someday. But this franchise is running out of time to gin up excitement in their new market with only a few years until their billion-dollar version of King’s Landing is done (it also might be designed to resemble a Star Trek toilet).
Well, who better to put butts in seats than the ol’ blue eyes himself. Sure, they’d be zombie fans, but full frontal lobotomy is the easiest way to get excited about Rams football.
If Blake Bortles were a Game of Thrones character, he’d have already been sent north to the wall to be cannon fodder (and probably tossed over the wall by his fellow troops for being completely unable to do his damn job).
I think Tyrod Taylor is better than he’s made out to be, but he’s just not going to get a fair shake in Buffalo, especially after they traded away Sammy Watkins. Night King doesn’t need a No. 1 receiver because if his guys aren’t open, he’d just run down the field and turn would-be tacklers into zombies.
The owner apparently is just fine with terrible QB Ryan Mallett filling in for an injured and so-so Joe Flacco. He could’ve had Colin Kaepernick, a quality QB, but he was afraid of angry fan mail and disagreed with Kaepernick’s decision to speak out on racial inequality and police brutality in the United States. Surely Steve Bisciotti wouldn’t disagree with the Night King’s political position, that humanity must be destroyed.
Unfortunately for these teams in need of a quality quarterback, the Night King is just a fictional character. He’s not riding his half-eaten zombie horse to rescue any of these teams.
There is another answer for QB-needy franchises. Colin Kaepernick is in shape and ready to play, and he’s a big upgrade over any of the players these teams currently have. But he remains unsigned.
Sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction.
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