Trash Or Nawl: Somebody come get Derek Fisher. Please.

Welcome to Trash Or Nawl: a weekly column to help you weed through the Internet Muck. To do that, I’ll be breaking it down to a helpful binary: Is something trash? Or nawl? Topics here will involve sports and whatever else the hell I say is sports or sports adjacent. I’ll do my best to make sense of what’s going on each week, but the thing to remember is, no matter what I say, most of these things are still trash.

You might say this is simplistic, and hell yeah it is. This is how I make sense of the chaos. Professional grade hating restores power to my powerless stupid fan hands. I give a middle finger because I’ve given up clapping.

Trash or Nawl criteria: It’s very simple. We will pick a topic. We will breakdown why or why it isn’t trash. You can agree, you can comment or tweet your disagreements. Or we can fight. Really, it’s up to you.

If y’all didn’t know, Derek Fisher is letting these hips loose on Dancing with the Stars, the show on ABC that makes you remember washed athletes will do anything for money and that network television is still highkey garbage.

Regardless, this is what Fisher is doing these days. Nah, forreal.

All right. I don’t know whose responsibility it is anymore to come scoop up they mans Derek Fisher but I need y’all to do that. Form a coalition. Send the memos out. His pride is missing. And so is his rhythm.

The NBA should sue him. Kobe didn’t die for this. DLo didn’t ruin Nick Young’s rep for this. If I’m Adam Silver, I’d rather keep Derek Fisher in a box with air holes in ‘em than let him go on national television and display whatever the fuck those hip movements are supposed to be.

Bow Wow and Kurtis Blow should file a cease and desist for using that song. Lakers fans, y’all gotta call Matt Barnes to wrap this up. Nah, fuck it. I’ll call Matt Barnes. Finna tell him a shorter, lighter version of Mr. Clean is on some hardwood in a Target-Brand hybrid of a jumpsuit and a onesie with athleticism that wouldn’t even make Cirque Du Soleil’s G-League team.

Goddamn, Derek. Anyway. I’m sure y’all can guess where this is going. Stop wearing Dansko clogs to work, my guy.

VERDICT: SUPER TRASH

That dude who plays quarterback for that team in that region that thinks it’s all one city wrote a book. Yup, Tom Brady, The World’s Biggest Goober, wrote a book to teach you, yes you, how to also be The World’s Biggest Goober.

It’s a 300-page opus about Brady’s life, how stretchy his muscles are, how water stops people from getting sunburned, and how you can also be handsome and wear Uggs to weddings and be a general badass.

If I was from Boston or the state that thinks it’s Boston, I’d probably warm up a nice bowl of chowder, kick my feet up, say something to my friends I probably shouldn’t say in public and dive into this book, which I’ll eventually say is better than Between the World and Me and The Autobiography of Malcolm X.

**looks around**

Oh, that’s right. I’m not from shitty-ass Boston. So, I guess that means we should tell the truth.

Tom Brady is bird. Ya mans is a bird. You can buy these lies if you want but last I checked: drinking water won’t stop you from turning redder than a Pop-Tart in a lukewarm toaster, my momma ain’t letting me wear Uggs to a wedding or ever, and this isn’t Space Jam, water isn’t some magical-ass steroid that’ll allow you to throw touchdowns, win five Super Bowls and try to be nonchalant in the face of questions about a white supremacist president. Yeah, and be a cheater. That’s right, Tommy. You a goddamn cheater. Though, that may be your most endearing quality. Well, and dancing like a dork to Migos.

Verdict: TRASH

Addendum: Unless you are from the greater Boston area, then this book should be up for a Pulitzer.

The only reason we have to talk about this is because Bill Polian’s Flip-Flop Face Ass came out his mouth and slandered The FLAWWWWDUHH Gawd: Lamar Jackson.

Here’s an excerpt of what a dude who got fired even with Peyton Manning said about quarterbacks:

Polian: “I don’t think that Lamar, the Louisville kid’s in that discussion, in fact there’s a question that he may be, he might be a receiver.”

[loud yelling from the hosts, one said: “Are you kidding me?”]

Polian: “No, I’m not kidding you. And that has to do with girth and skill set as well.”

....

Keyshawn Johnson: “You hurting me, Bill ... because I think he’s a NFL quarterback.”

Polian: “I’m not saying he isn’t, I just don’t think he’s in the class of the other three.”

The “other three” Polian refers to are Josh Rosen, Sam Darnold, and Josh Allen. Just to clear the air for the If You’re Over 6’3, White And Tall You Are A First Rounder club, only one of those three dudes look like they are a first rounder. That’s Darnold, who also looks like he’s never smiled in his life and could be the second coming of The Football Robot AKA Andrew Luck.

Josh Rosen plays for the JV team of Los Angeles in Under Armour gear, so I can’t give him my blessing. And I don’t know what a Josh Allen is or where Wyoming is on a map, but I know DAMN WELL he ain’t no good at throwin’ the football. If you looked that bad against Iowa, I can’t help you, beloved. There’s nothing good in Iowa. Just the future 2021 site of Dr. Ben Carson’s Conservative But Publicly Welcoming Mega-Church.

So we come back to Jackson. The Heisman. Diet Mike Vick. The Hope Of Black Quarterbacks Past, Present & Future. Now, we don’t have to have a big talk about how wild Polian’s comments were, kids. But mobile quarterbacks are lit. Donovan McNabb thought he was one for years. There’s plenty of examples. We even let y’all call Tim Tebow a dual-threat for four years, so you won’t ruin Lamar or his younger son Kelly Bryant.

The only advice I can give here is not to trust men whose faces could be mistaken for plastic your toddlers shouldn’t eat. They might not know about football or they might be your president. Depends on the year. Both can be true at the same time.

Verdict on Mobile Quarterbacks: Not Trash

Verdict on Bill Polian: Regular White Guy Trash

If you disagree with these verdicts, comment below. As stated earlier, you can agree, comment, tweet through your frustration or fight. Really, it’s up to you.