The best ways to pee during a football game, ranked

Monday Night Football was kind of a snoozer. The Falcons are banged up, and it showed against a terrible 1-6 Giants team. The most interesting part of the game was when Odell Beckham Jr. made his way down the tunnel ... for a pee break, per ESPN.

That also led to this, from former NFL player and Monday Night Football’s Analyst On A Scooterized Platform, Booger McFarland, in which he argues Beckham is a diva because he didn’t just pee his pants:

Now stay with me here — I don’t think refusing to pee your pants makes you a diva. It makes you a lot of other things, but not a diva.

However, I would also argue that Booger ain’t far off when he floats your pants as a fine place to relieve yourself during a game. Yep, I said it.

That got the ol’ juices flowing (pun absolutely intended) and here we are, ranking the best places to fight a fire during a game. Let’s begin.

That’s what Beckham did. It might not be the quickest way, but it’s the cleanest, and most private way to go about business. If you can get this done without missing a play, by all means, make the bladder gladder. Now let’s move along and get to the fun stuff.

This is a true showing of teamwork. The individual looking to test their hydraulics can assign anywhere from one to any number of individuals to create a makeshift stall to expel their pee.

Nick Novak did this in a 2011 game, before missing a 53-yarder to give the Chargers a lead against the Broncos. He had a single Gatorade towel curtain, and used the rest of the cooler to shield himself:

If you’re a little tad more insecure and would like extra privacy, you can assemble a larger crew, as Dexter McDougle did last season in a game against the Chiefs. A couple of more folks in on the act, and they had enough for a pickup basketball game:

You can’t be certain, but it looks like Alex Smith (better days right now, amirite Chiefs fans?) saw the leak occurring, and thought to be sure he wouldn’t run into McDougle. It would have been a more unfortunate spill than say, Gatorade.

You could also cheat, and use the medical tent.

The privacy level severely drops here, which is going to be a Big No for most. During a 2016 game between Washington and the Lions, Washington special teams coach Ben Kotwica was caught with his funny business out and in a cup.

The fan and her children who witnessed The Pissening didn’t appreciate it, as one might imagine:

A little cover never hurt nobody.

Just as Booger suggested. It’s also a pretty widely-accepted practice in football circles, it seems. Booger wasn’t being a smart-ass, former NFLer Mark Schlereth has also made it clear in the past that letting loose in your own synthetics was his preference as well.

From ESPN’s David Fleming, and his feature on all kinds of athletes finding an escape:

Former Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder’s solution was fairly simple: He says he wet his pants ... in every one of his 82 games as a pro.

If the player is more self conscious, I suggest doing it in a fumble pile where there are more people to blame.

Last season, it looked like the Packers’ Mike Daniels peed himself:

Goes without saying, this option isn’t doesn’t work particularly well if your pants are going to snitch on you.

After the game, he claimed the wetness around his crotch was not pee. “I sweat a lot down there,” he said. “Everybody was like, ‘Did you pee your pants?’ No, I did not pee my pants.”