The perfect Mall of America store for each star in Super Bowl 52

The Mall of America boasts 500 stores and everything teenage you would love to experience, and current you loathes the idea of. This year, the Mall of America is at the heart of Super Bowl activity before the big game. It also means we have hundreds of opportunities to match Eagles and Patriots players with their mall analogs.

A Kate Hudson-fronted lifestyle subscription athletics brand is the ideal of Brady’s post-football life. Fabletics is the now, TB12 is the future.

Have you ever gone to a mall specifically to go to a Journeys? Nobody wants to get something from Journeys, you just end up with something from there. Then in the end you’re always like “Huh, I kind of needed this.” It’s Foles’ football career in a nutshell.

If a Spencer’s became sentient it would be Gronk. Whoopee cushions, beer goggles — Family Guy humor. Just a big kid havin’ fun in a “Boobies Make Me Smile” T-shirt.

There’s a stunning dearth of hunting and fishing stores in the Mall of America. What’s up with that? There are 6.5 Lids and nowhere to buy a crossbow? Anyway, I’m giving Carson the closest thing. He’ll appreciate that.

The last time a company from Seattle put something in Butler’s hands it went pretty well for the Pats. Let’s see if they can do it again.

There is literally no mall store that would appeal to Belichick. They’re all too flashy and the lights are too bright and too many damn kids. You’ll find him in the dimly lit tool section of Sears buying a socket wrench. The lights will be flickering from poor maintenance, the shelves will be half-stocked, and Belichick will be happy.

I have a theory here: Jeffery has probably become accustomed to the cheesesteak life since he signed with Philly last offseason, and yet — he likely still doesn’t have a good grasp on what a decent cheesesteak is. He gets a food court cheesesteak, to remind him of his new home.

A toy store that specializes in having a ton of drones? Yep.

In a Super Bowl involving the Eagles, someone was going to get American Eagle. AE is just damned reliable. It’s always there, it’s always popular, and always good compared to the competition. This is Cox in a nutshell.

TOMS makes sturdy, reliable shoes that were once the hippest thing in America, but have comfortably found a place being solid. That and the company donates a lot of money to charity, and is socially conscious. This aligns with Long to a T.

Mall of America, you’re beautiful. Thank you for giving me 500 options to choose from. Y’all really don’t need 6.5 lids and five Caribou Coffees, though.