What’s it like to go to the bathroom at the Super Bowl?

I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning panicked about one thing: What if I have to go to the bathroom at the Super Bowl?

I’m uncomfortable in public restrooms; blame my mother. One time at a Social Distortion concert in at the Ogden Theatre in Denver it took me almost 20 minutes to relieve myself in a trough, and I really had to go. I can count on one hand the number of times I’m number two’d in a restaurant, gas station, etc. It’s kept me away from sporting events too.

Staying aggressively hydrated has probably helped me fend off the flu, but it’s means you’ll be making plenty of trips to relieve yourself.

The bus ride from the hotel to U.S. Bank Stadium and waiting to get through to security took an hour and a half. Within 20 minutes of finally getting in, I had to go.

First stop, main concourse, 1:30 p.m. CT

There were plenty of fans in the building. Still, I sailed right in, no wait. And props to the architects who designed U.S. Bank Stadium. There were four different banks of urinals. I had a row to myself.

But the crowds were flowing in. By the time I washed my hands, the bathroom was full. Bullet dodged ... for now.

Second stop, upper concourse, Section 322, 4 p.m. CT

Wait time: 5 minutes

The line stretches out into the concourse hallway, as if there weren’t already enough things slowing the flow of foot traffic. Once the queue gets into the bathroom proper, lines form behind the row of urinals (there’s only one row in this bathroom). I get behind someone in a bright green clown wig. There’s chanting. It’s hard to concentrate.

Focus, dammit, focus.

I should have gone to the restroom with this feature: