How to watch men’s ice hockey at the Winter Olympics: A guide to understanding and appreciating the sport

Olympic hockey gave the United States its greatest sporting moment ever at the 1980 Olympics in Lake Placid when a bunch of scrappy college kids representing Team USA went out and defeated the Soviet Union, thus securing a new sense of American pride and, if the overreaching documentaries and movies made about it are to be believed, ended Communism. (Though some scholars argue that it was, in fact, Rocky who ended Communism. This is the fun of studying history -- getting to have debates like that.)

This year’s Winter Olympics is setting up to give us a moment equal in its improbability -- once again, Team USA will not be represented by the NHL’s best but by a crew of youngsters and also-rans. (This isn’t limited to Team USA, either -- NHL isn’t allowing any players to go, which hurts Canada pretty badly, as well.) We enter as an underdog, and dear lord do we love being an underdog. In 1980, this happened because of amateurism rules in the Olympics. This time, depending on who you ask, it’s due to a scheduling conflict with the NHL or NHL COMMISSIONER GARY BETTMAN BEING A GREEDY, HORRIBLE MAN WHO HATES AMERICA AND THE OLYMPIC SPIRIT.

Whatever the reason, Team USA will have an uphill battle, though there is plenty of talent on the team, from college standouts Troy Terry and Jordan Greenway to former NHL star Brian Gionta. And despite there being no NHL players on the team, winning will be all the sweeter for it, right? RIGHT?

Men’s group games will begin on Feb. 14 (a lovely way to spend a Valentine’s Day!) with Team USA’s game against Slovenia televised at 7:10 a.m. ET on NBC, NBCOlympics.com and the NBC Sports app. You can also live stream NBC, NBCSN, and the Olympic Channel coverage via Fubo.TV on your computer or mobile devices.

The Men’s Gold Medal game will be televised Feb. 24 at 11:10 p.m. ET.

Because it’s balletic and violent and glorious, and toe drags are cool as all get out, and when guys score, they announce it with a flashing light and a flatulence-of-the-gods horn, which is something that every sport needs to do. Plus a lot of hockey guys have long hair, which they call salad, which makes me giggle.

This is one most people know, but basically each team has five guys and a goalie, and they skate around with sticks, and try to smack a puck into a net. If fantasy literature is your bag, it’s quidditch without magic and no snitch. If figure skating is your thing, it’s like that, except there are goals and you get to whack the other competitors when they get in your way.

International hockey has a few different rules than your standard NHL rules -- the ice is bigger, teams are allowed to dress 20 players as opposed to 18 in the NHL, icing is called automatically when the puck crosses the line, allowed stick curves are a little more strict, there’s no fighting, and a bunch of others you can read about here.

Honestly, if you just say, “Fuckin’ Gary Bettman, am I right?” over and over again, no matter what you’re talking about in relation to hockey, odds are you’re going to get an enthusiastic back slap from the other person. This could be in response to a face-off or a discussion of the icing rule or if the other person asks you who’s the starting center for Finland. Just say, “Fuckin’ Gary Bettman, am I right?” and you’ll be good.

Switzerland has an interesting team this year, as veteran Philippe Furrer will look to lead the Swiss to a surprise place on the podium.

… I’m kidding. You root for AMERICA, and its scrappy bag of lovable also-rans and youngsters. They’re just a bunch of kids out there, fighting for the name on the front and not the one on the back! MIRACLE ON ICE. SCREAMING EAGLES. USA. PATRIOTISM. UHH, CAPITALISM. YEAH. FUCK YEAH. CAPITALISM.

Eh, I’m going to give it 17 out of a possible 22 Uncle Sams Riding Fiery Eagles To A Ted Nugent Guitar Solo. This sport gave us the aforementioned Miracle on Ice, which is just about the most American moment there’s ever been outside of the signing of the Declaration of Independence and that time Stone Cold Steve Austin sang “America the Beautiful.” Then again, hockey is Canada’s pastime. They raise kids on skates up there, and are polite as hell while doing so. And while this year’s USA team does seem like a sports movie waiting to come to life -- this is basically The Replacements crossed with Miracle crossed with Beerfest -- odds are they’re going to get smacked. Thus the 17 out of 22 rating above.

Look at this beautiful thing. LOOK AT IT.