Why literally every character must die in ‘Avengers: Infinity War’

I tried to give the internet yet another post about which characters will survive Infinity War and its sequel, but realized all those posts are shortsighted. You’ll see.

Let’s start with the easy ones.

Dead.

Like Loki, he has an Infinity Stone and is therefore dead.

Lmao so dead.

They have the purple Stone. Dead.

That’s four, with each making Thanos more powerful. Once he gets all six, he wins.

Strange spends most of Infinity Gauntlet, the movie’s source comic, assistant coaching in the booth instead of taking the field (this is a sports website), but makes the winning pass in overtime (sports). The comic’s been out for 27 years, so Thanos has studied the tape (sports terminology) and realized Strange must stay sidelined (everything is sports).

Oh right, Strange has the green Stone, so he’s dead anyway.

Dead.

Well, the movie likely starts with Thanos engaging Thor’s ship for Loki’s Stone, so these folks are way gone.

I’m just trying to prepare you emotionally: Thor’s rock bro gets it first.

Vision’s girlfriend will probably try to avenge him, so she’s out.

Three Guardians have personal beef with Thanos, so it’s a wrap for them.

Will the other Guardians just sit there and let that happen? Dead. Guardians 3 will be a clips show.

Chris Evans is openly talking about stepping down from the MCU. Based on the comics, either Barnes or Sam Wilson could replace Steve Rogers as Captain America, so Thanos better get rid of both.

Infinity War comes out almost exactly 10 years after the first Iron Man, so it’s high time for a send-off. Dead.

Also, here’s Thanos’ new girlfriend, a version of Thanos created by Thanos moments earlier to try and make Death jealous enough to un-friendzone Thanos, killing Iron Man for Thanos:

Some say War Machine getting hurt for a second movie in a row would be more cruel than meaningful, as if Thanos cares what websites doing killability rankings have to say.

Stark’s understudy? Dead. Don’t be fooled by Spider-Man having another movie on the way. It’ll be an origin story rerererererereboot anyway.

Normal humans vs. Thanos? Be serious.

Who?

Even if they weren’t being held back by the useless Iron Fist, they’d still be hopeless. Dead.

Black Panther seems like the safest character, given the success of his movie and a sequel on the way. But Black Panther 2 will be about T’Challa fighting Killmonger for control of the ancestral plane. It’s clear Thanos invades Wakanda, which means everyone there is doomed.

These are getting harder, but Thanos can beat him, yeah.

“They have a movie coming up,” you say, “so they can’t die in this one!” No they don’t. Ant-Man and the Wasp is a false flag. Please remember T.I. was in Ant-Man, though.

Comics Thanos destroyed all that stuff.

Yeah!

Once Thanos has most of the Gauntlet, he’ll think he no longer needs his helper buddies, so they’re fired.

Her debut comes out between the two Infinity War movies, so she’ll likely be presented as Earth’s last hope. Thanos follows release dates well enough to know he should nip all that shit in the bud.

No.

Comics Thanos has killed Death before.

In Infinity Gauntlet, Thanos takes Eternity’s job and throws the rest in space jail.

In The End, Thanos beats the Living Tribunal, which is as close as you can come in Marvel to beating God, other than that time Deadpool kills Deadpool’s writer.

In the comics, he shows up every few years to talk Thanos down from ending everything. In the movies, he was created by bad guys at the end of Guardians 2, which means he’s too young to fight in this movie. Incomplete grade.

The Disney/Fox deal means universes can finally merge. Light work.

Dead.

His core motive is simple — he wants the universe to end with him acknowledged as the strongest and smartest thing in it — but that’s even trickier than it sounds.

There is no long-term end game. He doesn’t care about shit like Restoring Order or Running A Big Government or Getting Rich or Providing For His People (the movie trailers have him talking about Balancing The Universe, which makes me worry they’re turning him into a normal bad guy, but we’ll see). He’s often sidetracked by Trying To Impress Death, but mainly, he’s just here to win.

So what’s Thanos do once he has no one else to defeat? Also simple: he defeats Thanos. He constantly blows 3-1 leads (this is a sports website), thanks to his massive ego and the self-doubt it masks. Or he unleashes some other horror that threatens to rob him of the credit, so he puts everything back together and prepares to break it all again later.

If Infinity War is the ultimate Thanos story, it’ll end with Thanos beating Thanos to prove to Thanos that Thanos is the only one who can beat Thanos. (Thanos will then resurrect Thanos and start over.)

Post-credits twist! The smartest ranking Earthling, or at least the smartest from among the group of people who haven’t yet had their brains fried by being blasted into space (Stark, Banner, etc.), has surely backed up her mind into a second body hidden from Thanos, right? The heir to the Black Panther suit and Vibranium mines might also either inherit Stark’s suit, from one nerd to another, or find the person who does. Iron Panther Shuri vs. Undead Thanos/Tony Stark’s Rogue Uploaded Consciousness, in theaters summer 2023.