A collection of every type of person discussing the NFL Draft on the internet right now

I don’t follow the NFL Draft. However, what I can get into are draft reactions on the internet. This isn’t about sports; this is about sociology. This is about taxonomy. This is about the classification of every amateur draftnik on the internet.

Every April, I scour the comments of SB Nation blogs, the forums of different messageboards, and the replies to every official team account announcing their newest draft pick, and I drink it all in. These reactions to every single draft are truffles. They’re rare, sumptuous truffles, and we need to collect them before they disappear.

Here are the types of people who comment about the NFL Draft on the internet.

Oh, they really do hate this pick. And that pick. And the pick before that and the pick after this. They’ll hate the first pick in 2039, which will be announced by the Hall of Famer whose pick they hated in 2019.

Ugh. What a crappy pick.

If their team is picking 10th, the only thing that will satisfy them is a projected pick from the top five. If their team is picking third, the only thing that will satisfy them is the top projected pick. If that doesn’t happen, well, there are warts to inspect and flaws to scrutinize.

There are motors to be critical of, after all.

What if the motor isn’t good?

Hate this. Hate hate hate hate this.

Don’t bother digging up their past complaints next year when they’re wrong. They won’t care. In fact ... are they still here, even? Were they ever real? Or were they just a collective whisper of the hive mind, a breezy chunk of collective id that’s floating in the draft winds?

Typical REACH from our dumbass front office

Maybe you should just sit this one out, IDK. Or every draft, really. I’m not sure you enjoy this.

The natural enemy of the I HATE THIS PICK zealot in the wild, usually found in close proximity. For every “Oh dammit what a crappy pick” there is at least one, “Oh, come on. I’m pretty sure the front office knows a little more than you” lurking in the bushes. The comment is slapped down immediately, like someone playing a wild draw four card in a game of UNO. Except no one else is playing UNO. Just this person.

Still, it’s an effective appeal to authority, because it’s almost certainly true. The Browns’ front office in 2014 really did know more than most people! They could fully articulate exactly why they made the picks they made, and they could cite more information to support those picks than you could ever hope to know.

They were still the 2014 Browns. Or the 2013 Browns. Or 2015 Browns. Or 1999 Browns. Look, I don’t know football and am just picking years at random, but I’m pretty sure those teams were all staffed with smart people whose job it was to know football, and I’m also pretty sure they failed spectuarly. Appeals to authority don’t always work.

I have no doubt that Henry Kissinger can kick my ass in a “cities of Cambodia” quiz on Sporcle. Doesn’t mean that he isn’t a gargoyle who should feel everlasting regret and shame. It’s like that, but with cornerbacks.

Oh, this person studies the draft. Like, seriously studies it. They don’t just check in with the combine and sift through a few mocks. They’re watching all-22 videos frame-by-frame and taking notes. They stopped listening to Mel Kiper in high school, and they know more than all of the so-called experts on the internet and TV.

You can go on YouTube, enter “dude ripping a wicked solo,” and get 48 people playing a guitar solo in their living room that will be more technically accomplished than anything you’ve ever attempted in your life. It’s like that, but with studying the draft. And when Barstos Quackle goes ahead of Dominci Plurp, they will be EXTREMELY MAD. They will cite the third-and-11 against Louisville — did you see that third-and-11? — until blood shoots out of their eyes.

I pity them. They know as much as the people who were working for the 2014 Browns, after all. That’s how much time they’ve invested in this, and now it’s all ruined.

Oh, man. These people are the worst. They’ve read mock drafts. Don’t you get it? They’ve read mock drafts.

Let’s say that Player X is projected to go in the middle of the second round in several mock drafts. But Team Y really likes him, so they get him in the top of the second round.

YOU COULD HAVE TRADED DOWN AND STILL DRAFTED HIM

I mean, maybe. But we really liked him, and he filled a position of need, and we had a

YOU COULD HAVE TRADED DOWN AND STILL DRAFTED HIM

Well, we were hearing that the Packers really liked him with their second-round pick, and there weren’t a lot of guarantees that

YOU COULD HAVE TRADED DOWN AND STILL DRAFTED HIM

Really, there weren’t a lot of teams looking to trade up at that point? So I’m not sure if

TRADE THAT DRAFT PICK FOR THREE DRAFT PICKS. TRADE THOSE THREE PICKS FOR NINE PICKS. TRADE THOSE NINE PICKS FOR 27 PICKS IN THE 2019 DRAFT. TRADE THOSE 27 PICKS FOR 81 PICKS IN THE 2020 DRAFT. TRADE THOSE 81 PICKS FOR 243 PICKS IN THE 2021 DRAFT.

LITERALLY PICK EVERY PLAYER IN THE 2021 DRAFT.

OWN THE NFL FOR YEARS.

THEN TRADE THE NFL FOR TWO NFLS.

That’s not really how ...

YOU COULD HAVE TRADED DOWN

They’re just hanging around during the draft, offering their opinions. But when the Draft Grades articles show up, well, that’s when they really go to work.

You gave the Claywood Dhalsim pick a C+? Dude, come on. He’s a B-, at worst.

The author of the draft-grade post was up until 2 a.m. working on his or her article. They don’t care. They absolutely don’t care. They can’t feel their own lips, they’re so tired. They weren’t in a lotus position, trying to divine the correct grade from their own sense of inner-self. They went, “uhhh B+ please make this hell night stop” before moving to the next one.

lololol an B+ for the Eagles? don’t know what draft you were watching, but they whiffed on everything other than the 2nd, 3rd, and 5th round picks (maybe 6th too). they’re a C+ at best.

These people are understandably partisan in the first round. Give them that much. They followed their quarterback for years, and now he might go in the top 10 or 20. They’re excited. It’s okay to envy their excitement, even.

They really shine in the later rounds, though. Oh, they have opinions.

Tack Galaga is A FREAKING STEAL in the seventh. Like a serious steal. I’ve watched this guy since he was a redshirt. He GETS AFTER IT on every play. Doesn’t take a play off.

And that’s fine! These people are fine. I don’t mind these people.

But they get a little frothy in the post-draft scramble for undrafted free agents.

Tack Galaga was good enough to go in the second, and he’s just sitting there, undrafted and alone. That’s how I felt when i went to school there. I was overlooked and unloved, too. I know this feeling, and I will cover Tack Galaga with a blanket and give him hot broth to sip until he’s signed. He deserved better. He should have been a second-rounder.

It comes from a good place, at least.

If you haven’t seen the draft value chart, it’s a system that assigns a point value to every pick, and it’s pretty neat. Want that seventh-overall pick from the Bills? Well, it’s worth 1,500 points, so if you have the No. 10 pick, you’ll need to come up with an extra 200 points from somewhere, which means a mid-third round or a couple of lower picks.

Super useful. However, the entire discipline of Newtonian physics will not be disproven if a team decides to make a trade that doesn’t quite add up.

They ... they traded the No. 43 and No. 70 for the No. 32? But they overpaid by 120 points.

Yeah, they gave up a lot, but they wanted to make sure they got the exact player they wanted.

They ... they traded the No. 43 and No. 70 for the No. 32? But they overpaid by 120 points.

Right, but they got the player they really wanted. They valued him more like a No. 20 pick, so it works out.

They ... they traded the No. 43 and No. 70 for the No. 32? But they overpaid by 120 points.

OK, so, your team has 21 Pro Bowlers, right?

Yes.

But they had a dud in that last spot. Literally one position that wasn’t filled with a Pro Bowler. They went 16-0 last year, but they’ve had just a miserable time finding anyone to fill that position.

Yes.

Well, they think this player is the perfect fit, just an absolutely perfect fit for their system. They couldn’t believe he fell to the bottom of the first round, so they pounced. The other team drove a hard bargain, but they got their guy.

They ... they traded the No. 43 and No. 70 for the No. 32? But they overpaid by 120 points.

Eventually this happens ...

... but they’ll be back at it for the next draft.

Probably.

These uninvested people will be next to you at the parade, and they’ll be just as elated as you.

Do not trust these people.

These people are leeches, and they don’t deserve happiness. But look at them, all content and patient. Going on with their lives, like their well-being isn’t tethered to the futures of these extremely large college kids. Just sitting there, not caring as much. Being tossed about by the zephyrs of time, not worrying about where they’ll end up.

Do not trust these people.

Be mad at these people.

Envy these people.

Hunt these people down, unscrew their skulls like the cap on a childproof bottle, and dig for their secrets. They cannot keep these secrets for themselves. It is not right. Dig, dig, dig.

Find out why these people don’t care as much.

Use these secrets to care even more.

Do not trust these people.

Do not trust these people.

Do not trust these people.