‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 1: We meet the sports-y men vying for Becca Kufrin’s heart

Welcome to Week 1 of The Bachelorette. We are recapping the show because The Bachelor is sports. In case you missed it, we broke down the 28 suitors vying for Becca’s heart.

Greetings, Sports Bachelor Nation friends. I’m excited to have you join me on this journey this season as we find out if our girl Becca Kufrin can win the game of love. I’m especially excited to take over the beat as I can finally tell my mom that I have to watch the show because it’s for work.

The episode opened with a quick refresher on how Becca got her heart brutally ripped out by Captain Bland Arie last season, reminding all of us that no matter how this journey winds up for her, it will still be better than being stuck with him.

Becca was quickly joined by reinforcements in the form of former Bachelorettes Rachel, JoJo, and Kaitlyn, all of who are still flaunting those Neil Lane symbols of Forever Love they found with Chris Harrison’s assistance.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Appreciate you, ABC, for kicking off the bios with football player Clay to emphasize that The Bachelorette is, in fact, sports. Everything Clay is pretty adorable, from him helping his grandmother out of her wheelchair while making a squats joke to him spending time with his family.

These intro videos are always so awkward as they pose thoughtfully in front of bodies of water and stage phone calls and interactions with loved ones. Garrett gave us his best Chris Farrell impersonation, which ranged from passable to cringeworthy, while Jordan the model literally posed thoughtfully in what he dubbed “the pensive gentleman.”

There’s a Chicagoan grocer named Joe, so I’m excited for a season’s worth of “Trader Joe” content. He can’t wink (though he certainly tried several times) but he’s great with produce puns.

Colton pops out of the limo first with two confetti cannons, and honestly it was perfection:

Football player Clay came out with the perfect play on words, saying that he has “...caught a lot of passes in my day, but if I were to land you, you’d by far be the biggest catch of my life.”

I’m embarrassed to admit how loudly I “awwwwwwed” at that.

The majority of the intros were thankfully tame as Jean Blanc taught Becca “let’s do the damn thing” (apparently her season’s catchprase) in very bad French, John went the wrong way around the giant fountain, and Garrett showed up in a mini-van, saying he’d be a good husband and dad. I have to tell you how much I HATE myself for being attracted to him. He’s adorable, and honestly it seems like Becca is digging it. He definitely spent the most time with her and had her do the flirty double-over laugh.

Trent decided to forgo the limo and instead came in a hearse, accompanied by the line: “When I heard you were the bachelorette I literally died, but then you brought me back to life.”

Not bad.

There were also a handful of guys that we’ve seen before on After the Final Rose. First up was Blake, who previously had put Becca “back on the horse,” so he took it up (down?) a notch by riding in on an ox. He was surprisingly shocked that she remembered him as if she is frequently lifted on to animals by men she doesn’t know.

Blake is followed with Lincoln, who also met Becca on the live show. He brought a piece of cake to share because the last time was his birthday. I feel like bringing a girl cake is a solid move, especially when you factor in that she’s standing outside of a mansion meeting a line of men for what I can only assume is several hours straight.

Becca apparently knows one of the guys — Jake from Minneapolis — and is someone she calls an “acquaintance” ... which I can’t say bodes well for Jake from Minneapolis.

Jordan talked about fashion the entire time. THE. ENTIRE. TIME. He said the words “sea foam” and judged the ever-loving hell out of these guys. His biggest pet peeves? Men with no socks, no ties, no belts, no pocket squares, and boring blazers. Then David the venture capitalist arrived, and stepped out of the limo in a full on chicken suit and yelling “BECCAW!”

I’d like to give David credit for this, but nothing will be better than when Jesse (Skylar Astin) says it to Beca (Anna Kendrick):

Arie was a popular topic, as Nick the attorney showed up in a race car driving suit to make fun of the man who spurned Becca before saying, “I’m usually good with opening statements.” SPORTS ANALYST MIKE brought an Arie cutout out of the limo so that he could “see her as happy as she is now.”

Those were nothing compared to the tactic Kamil tried. Kamil, whose job is listed as a “social media participant,” stopped just steps out of the limo, as he tried to get her to meet him halfway as you often have to do in a relationship.

Ok, not bad.

Then, the took two steps further back and told her “well, really 60-40”.

AWWW HELL NO.

To Becca’s credit, she shut that down immediately and clearly didn’t find the stunt funny or cute. Nothing says “I’m here to start a loving relationship” like telling the other person they’re going to have to concede equal footing from the jump.

After welcoming all 28 men to the mansion, Becca greets them with the normal platitudes of her being there to find love. It has to be such a daunting feeling to look out at 28 strangers and dread the amount of small talk coming your way.

Some things we learned over the course of the night:

Things really heated up when Christon, the former Harlem Globe Trotter dunked over Becca, literally. It was awesome and as long as the dude didn’t mess up my hair I’d be very impressed. That led to pick up basketball in the driveway, which went surprisingly well and ended with Christon dunking over David the chicken as he yelled “BECCAW” repeatedly.

David the Chicken is actually very good looking, and when he finally took the chicken head off, Becca seemed super into him. Maybe that was the glass of champagne on the table in front of her, but there were a lot of smiles, laughs and flirty vibes.

Garrett teaching Becca how to fly fish in the mansion pool is arguably the cutest thing that has ever happened at the Bachelor mansion and led to my favorite dude bro exchange of the night:

Dude bro #1: “I wonder if he’s catching anything”

Dude bro #2: “Feelings. He’s catching feelings.”

Chris (who brought the choir) took Blake (with the Ox) and Christon (the Globetrotter) outside and told them both he and Chase are from Orlando, Florida. Apparently, on the After the Rose show where Becca met five of these suitors, one of Chase’s ex-girlfriends (that Chris is friends with) texted Chris and let him know that Chase’s intentions aren’t pure.

We have our first “not here for the Right Reasons” of the season and it’s only the first night — how did we get so lucky?!

According to Choir Chris, Chase is trying to revamp his marketing company (you know, as stints on reality television are known to do). Chris asks Blake and Christon if he should say something. Blake and Christon, who have clearly seen these shows before, encourage this knowing it usually blows up in the face of the one who rats out those not there for the Right Reason.

Unsurprisingly, Chase tells Chris that the ex, Danielle, blew their relationship out of proportion (they only saw each other for like two weeks) and he is for sure here for the Right Reasons.

Chase spoke to Becca right after to “get ahead of it,” telling her a woman he dated for “a month” (YOUR STORY IS FALLING APART, CHASE), sent a text but he’s “totally not that guy.” Well, that clears it up. He decides to bring Chris into this conversation, creating the most awkward interaction on an opening night of this franchise... which is saying something.

I’m uncomfortable and need a drink. There was a lot of talking around a topic and cliches about being a good guy and looking for love.

Oddly enough, this does make Becca doubt a relationship with a guy in the house...

Becca, rightfully, wants to know why a guy that runs in her social circles back home — and whom she has met several times — is interested in her now that she’s on a television show. She claims they’ve met many times and that she would constantly question his motives, so she sends him packing back to Minneapolis.

Honestly, shout out to Becca for knowing what she wants.

Garrett won her heart over with the mini-van showing and the fly fishing instruction. He clearly made her comfortable and she seemed happy in his company. She says she was “smitten” by him, and lordy I do not blame her.

He scored the first kiss, too, which was the sweetest. Usually these things come off cheap and tawdry, but they actually seemed like a couple.

Becca begins with a spiel thanking the guys for their patience and for taking the time to come on this journey. She says she must follow her gut and her heart when doling out these roses.

The rose ceremony then brings us the absolute best quote of the night, when Leo laments his long wait for a rose by saying he was, “looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers” and hoping his different look didn’t turn Becca off.

He got his rose.

Poor one out for the bros that didn’t make it to next week: