‘The Bachelorette’ Week 4: Axes, feelings and flat-Earth theories fly

Welcome back to Sports Bachelorette Nation for another week of dates, drama, and roses. Thank goodness for the World Cup and The Bachelorette, otherwise we would be in the full summer sports doldrums.

If you missed any action last week, check out the recap here.

We left Becca and our remaining 18 suitors last week after sweet, adorable Clay departed with a broken heart and an even more broken wrist. There was no rose ceremony. This week’s episode started with the guys worrying about David the Chicken, who was hauled off to the ICU last week after plummeting out of his bunk bed and breaking the fall with his face. Thankfully, he arrived for the cocktail party, but, damn, he looked rough.

The other guys — minus Jordan, of course — were stoked that David returned from the brink of death after his run-in with the unforgiving tile of the Forever Love mansion. Becca mercifully awarded him a rose so he could bypass the rose ceremony and get straight to doctor-mandated rest, but he took a moment to flex on his model rival before heading to bed:

This is by far the best Bachelor/ette rivalry we’ve had since Corinne vs. Taylor, and thankfully this one doesn’t have blathering discussions about “emotional intelligence.”

I loathe when they kick off episodes with rose ceremonies from last week, generally because it disrupts my expected flow of the show, but none of that matters because ...

NICK WORE A TRACK SUIT TO THE CEREMONY. AND GOT A ROSE.

If you flashback to Nick’s pre-season bio, this move isn’t at all surprising:

Nick is a fun-loving attorney with a zest for life. When he’s not winning trials, you can catch him in his signature tracksuits being the life of the party. Nick is a self-proclaimed “weekend warrior” who loves brunches, barbecues, and the beach.

Since the logo is covered, it’s safe to assume signature in this sense doesn’t mean “created by Nick.” but more “I wear them so much my friends just assume I’m going to show up in velour to one of our brunches or barbecues.” Somewhere, 2000s Britney Spears is nodding in approval.

Any other night, that dumbass track suit would be the talk of the mansion, but thanks to David’s return, and the fact that Jordan once wore just his underwear and a blanket draped over his shoulders in a previous week, this was barely mentioned.

Sports Analyst Mike saw his relatively uneventful run come to an end, but he’ll always have his highlight reel touchdown catch from Week 3 to brag about. Becca also said goodbye to [scours bios] someone named Ryan, who was apparently also on this show for the last 3-plus weeks.

Becca ended the ceremony with the announcement that they were all going to Park City, Utah. I’d make some snarky comment, but Utah is unbelievable and I love it and am jealous, to be quite honest.

Becca and Garrett have had sparks since he received the first impression rose on Night 1 and they had a very bland date where they tried on alpaca hats and blah blah blah whatever — it’s not important because back at the house, the guys found out something mind-blowing:

Lincoln thinks the world is flat, and said friction and gravity keep you from falling off.

I can’t decide if I’m impressed with the other guys for calmly asking follow-up questions, or furious with the producers for letting a flat-Earth truther on the show. If I was the Bachelorette in this situation, whichever dude gave me the heads up at the next possible opportunity would immediately get a rose for snitching.

But anyway, back to Garrett and Becca’s date. They met up with 2006 Olympic silver medalists Val Fleming and Shauna Rohbock to bobsled. What a cool damn date. It puts the couple in very close proximity in a very safe and controlled high adrenaline situation. Then they get champagne at the end.

Here’s the thing, ABC. It’s easy to fall in love when you’re flown to beautiful Park City and you play in the snow and sit in private rooms filled with rich mahogany and leather-bound books. Let’s see Becca and a date go to Olive Garden on a Tuesday or have the couple put together an Ikea bookshelf without wanting to kill each other. THAT’S love.

Becca is clearly falling for Garrett, telling him that he reminds her of her father, who has passed. This Twitter user nailed it:

They have a sweet vibe and look great together, but Garrett drops a bombshell that he had been married before. If there’s one way you don’t want to tell someone you’re interested in that you have been married before, it’s the way Garrett subtly said:

“... one thing led to another and we got divorced.”

Uhh, what? That’s the Seinfeld “yada yada yada” of 2018. Gonna need just a few more details, bud.

Becca listens to his story, and he assuages her fears after saying his ex-wife was emotionally abusive and that he tried to do everything he could to make it work in their two-month marriage. He receives a rose and they do a bunch of smoochin’ before taking another stroll to a personal concert from country singer Granger Smith. Unlike last week’s private dance for Richard Marx, this week’s concert is one of the super awkward ones where they’re forced to slow dance as a bunch of extras film it.

Y’all, Becca REALLY likes Garrett, and he seems to like her. It’s his to lose at this point.

Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christoph, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc all hear their names called for an epic 13-man group date. The crew will be pretending to be lumberjacks on this group date, and I’m 100 percent here for this.

Clearly the gentlemen weren’t expecting any sort of physical activity as 80 percent of them are wearing the skinniest of skinny jeans, making all of the strenuous motions and running that much funnier for me.

The guys split some wood, throw some axes, and lift some 400-pound logs to prepare for Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash. Venmo John, who got more screen time tonight than he has all season combined, knocked it out of the park as he anchored the blue-flannel team on the final event — a 30-foot log climb. His outstanding performance earned him the coveted “Golden Axe” from Becca.

John is likable, handsome, sweet, strong, and has a good job, so I’m emotionally prepared for him to be sent home very soon.

Becca spends time with Jason and Colton (where there was A LOT of kissing) before some one-on-one time with Jordan. Earlier in the episode, Becca gave Jordan some gold boxer briefs as a gag gift after his underwear-at-the-rose-ceremony stunt a couple weeks ago.

Long story short, it ends up with us getting this view:

Jean Blanc brought Becca a signature fragrance — the poorly named Miss Becca Blanc — and they share an awkward kiss before they’re interrupted by Leo. This show always has its cringe moments, and they’re never more cringe-y than when the Bachelor/ette is obviously not on the same level of interest as the suitor.

Case in point: Jean Blanc snags more solo time with Becca, and in clear desperation, proceeds to tell her he’s falling in love with her. In Week 4. She’s shook, and it’s the kind of moment that makes me re-live every awkward date moment ever.

Things seemed like they couldn’t have gone worse for our cologne-loving friend as Becca not only doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, but she sends him home on the spot. Then, he continues to try to talk through the situation and walk back his proclamation of falling in love from moments before. As someone who is coming out of a relationship where Arie proposed and then publicly dumped her a few weeks later, this proclamation then walk-back was not well-received by our girl Becca.

After sending Jean Blanc on his shame-filled SUV ride home, she tells the guys there won’t be a rose on the group date, leaving everyone in the lurch and concerned with their standing.

We’ve got TWO one-on-ones this week, with Wills earning the second. Poor Wills got a little shafted with the timing of his date seeing as he’s tasked with comforting a down-and-out Becca after the Jean-Blanc fiasco. He takes the right approach with it, and they snowmobile to a gorgeous vista to watch the sunset next to a fire while drinking champagne.

Again, ABC — make them work a full day then have Wills ask Becca to pick a restaurant and see if it’s a relationship that will actually work.

Wills and Becca have a normal dinner conversation before he goes into describing his fear of not being enough, which is just brutally honest and raw for a reality dating show. Becca gives him the rose, and they leave the warm, cozy looking cottage to make out against a cobblestone wall.

Can we talk about all the against-the-wall make outs on this show? While a moment like that can be romantic and hot, the selection of the wall material is crucial in this situation. Brick? It better not ruin my outfit. Whatever huge rock that is? No. Basically, if it will hurt your hands, we don’t want to lean against it.

Awwww yeah, no cocktail party. Thanks to Jean Blanc’s antics, Becca’s sureness, and the ABC time constraint, we’re getting straight to the rose ceremony.

We get another angle of David, and he is rocking the LeBron James Game 2 red eye after his bunk bed blunder.

Stuntman Leo gets his rose first — he’s one of the most underrated on the show between his luscious locks and Jim Halpert-esque glances at the camera. Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln (UGH), John (YAY), Chris, David, and Jordan all hear their names called by Becca, leaving Nick and Christon in the lurch.

I know Jordan is absolutely a producer pick, but he’s damn good television. He’s clearly not going to win, so just enjoy another week of asinine quotes and faux model faces.

Becca ended with a toast and told the fellas they would be heading to ... VEGAS, BABY!