Which NFL teams have the scariest mascots?

Let’s face a hard truth, America. The mascots that plague our professional sports are just as terrifying as groups of clowns that run rampant at children’s birthday parties. Each time a grotesque, caricatured mascot is created our world darkens just a bit. While most mascots are unnerving, there’s an overarching questions that must be answered.

Exactly which NFL mascot is the scariest?

I don’t mean scary like a horror movie scary. I mean scary in the sense that real life, salaried adults came up with these abominations to befriend children, but instead they terrorize the future of our great nation.

Here are the five scariest mascots in the league.

The first mascot that comes to mind is the early incarnation of Raider Rusher.

Anything that’s well over 75 percent legs has no chance to appear friendly. It also has an owl-like ability to turn it’s head 360 degrees. This is something out of a Tim Burton movie.

Do you see the fear on that child’s face? We were damaging are our youth by allowing cretins like the Raider Rusher to be near them.

It appears that the Raiders have made some tweaks to Raider Rusher’s appearance and he’s now a youth ambassador for the team. Good on them from removing the fear of God from their mascot’s appearance. Now it’s time to put that same energy into their defense.

The team across the Bay doesn’t have the most inviting mascot presence either.

Sourdough Sam’s unwavering, mechanical smile is reminiscent of a pediatrician trying to get a child to sit still for a booster shot. Except Sam’s weapon of choice isn’t an approved tool used by doctors around the world. He has a pickaxe.

I know. Pickaxes, 49ers, gold rush, whatever. Tell me if you want to hang out with the soulless eyes of Sourdough Sam while he flounders over with a pickaxe in hand.

Hell No.

Boltman is an unofficial mascot of the Chargers, but since the Chargers are playing in an unofficial stadium, he can still be included on this list.

Boltman combined two of the scariest things in the world into a mascot: lightning and cartoonishly large muscles.

Instead of using Boltman to try and drum up support for their NFL team being cradled by a soccer stadium, they should put Boltman on the defensive line. He could probably improve their run defense, which was one of the worst in the league last season.

Look at those muscles.

Who kidnapped Chuck E. Cheese and fed him peyote and LSD? What does this have to do with the Titans?

T-Rac should be released back into the wild, for his safety and more importantly, the safety of Marcus Mariota.

The only positive aspect of Blue’s figure is that he does look like an actual horse.

As far as fear goes, Blue probably isn’t that scary. However, there’s something about his dilated pupils and the different colors coming out of his nostrils that add a sense of uneasiness about the character behind that thick, blue fur.

Can Blue be trusted? That’s for you to decide. With his eyes constantly looking like he just finished a college thesis in 45 minutes, I personally would stay away.

What are the scariest mascots to you? Leave a comment!