‘The Bachelorette’ Week 9: Time for so not-so-fantastic Fantasy Suites

Welcome back for another week of our coverage of The Bachelorette, where we’re nearing the end of Becca’s journey to find love. In case you missed last week’s hometown dates, check out the action here.

We meet up with our group in Chiang Mai, Thailand, and it’s Fantasy Suite week. Know what that means, friends? It’s SEXY TIME!

Becca says she’s in love with two men, and falling in love with a third. That’s not good news for [check notes] most likely Jason.

Let’s get started.

I’m fascinated by the run and jump into the guy’s arms move that is a favorite of Bachelor/ette contestants. Is this a common thing in relationships? How do you gauge whether the catching party is either prepared or ready to accept this leaping hug? Becca is a thin woman, but she’s not short. I wonder if Chris Harrison puts potential male suitors through a boot camp of catching women for lifted embraces before they’re cast on the show.

So many questions, and I’ll probably never get answers.

The duo isn’t allowed to kiss — or touch — once they cross through these two green signs, so they make out a ton right at the signs before starting their hike. You know, being respectful.

The hike is mind-blowingly gorgeous as they weave their way up a rocky, green wonderland to reach a stunning temple atop a the hill. There, two monks share the keys to a good relationship Blake and Becca: honesty, compromise, patience, and giving.

After their enlightening time in the temple, Blake says that the monk was, “so wise, he was like a real monk.”

Blake. My dude.

Blake brought up his concerns regarding Becca’s affections for the other two men, but I missed a lot of that as my dog decided to chew on a lacrosse ball atop some important papers. I’m sure I didn’t miss much.

Also, I can’t unsee this ever again:

He reassures Becca that he’s the kind of guy that looks for a reason to stay rather than a reason to go, so she gives him the Fantasy Suite card as a reward.

Let’s take a look at this.

First of all that sure as hell ain’t Chris Harrison’s handwriting, and what on Earth is that fancy-ass key supposed to open? The suite Becca takes Blake to opens with a normal hotel card key, so I wonder if a Bachelorette intern is tasked with finding elaborate keys to put in the envelopes with the invitations.

Regardless, Blake accepts the invitation to the suite and the pair are excited about waking up together and blah blah blah. The morning after establishing shots are always my fave, as are the filmed conversations.

Look! Her dress! On the floor! So many scandalous things happened!

After a lot of references to “last night” and how much fun they had, Blake expresses that he’s worried it’s the last time he’ll wake up next to her. In a horrible attempt to assuage his fears, Becca references her mindset after waking up with Arie (WHAT?!) and says that the real head games don’t kick in until the next week.

Good work, Becca.

Blake keeps saying “there’s never enough time” like he’s an action star in a movie that needs to complete a difficult task before his entire family is kidnapped, and Becca throws on her most casual denim-on-denim get up to escape their love den.

Becca greets Jason, but does NOT leap into his arms, meaning either she hates him or she recognizes that he’s not built like a Greek god and doesn’t want to risk it.

Jason and Becca do some casual sightseeing, visiting a local market and some nearby temples. I love to travel, but you cannot get me to eat a cricket. I draw the line at insects. They seem to enjoy the smoky flavor, however:

After leaving a temple during their explorations, Becca makes an offhanded comment about their potential future. Jason is amicable and agrees, but she says (in voiceover) that she immediately regrets saying it as she cannot see him in this hypothetical painting she willingly just painted.

Not a great sign for our dude Jason. Looks like we confirmed which of our suitors was the one she was *not* in love with yet.

Now, I’m no relationship expert, but I feel like if the thought of a future with someone makes you physically ill, it’s probably not meant to be. If your lady makes this expression when thinking about your potential relationship, things look bleak:

The remainder of the date is Jason saying optimistic things and me cringing, knowing that he’s got no chance.

Becca attempts to explain her abrupt departure from earlier in the date, but then excuses herself again. It’s not going well. After a long break, Becca returns to take Jason out back of the shed and end his misery.

This is the face of a guy that just got his heart broken and was this close to the Fantasy Suite:

Poor Jason. Flies all the way to Thailand, has to eat bugs, sweats his ass off, and then is unceremoniously dumped before he even gets the sexy time.

Our dude Colton probably has the best take:

Unsurprisingly, Becca isn’t in a great head state for this third and final date as she continues to beat herself up for sending Jason home. Things seem to be improving as she is back to the leaping-into-her-man’s arms thing.

She tells Garrett that they’re going to do something only the locals do: rafting on bamboo rafts. Becca thinks this will be a relaxing, romantic, tranquil day on the river. LOL nope. Turns out they’re hitting the river on a national holiday, and the river is POPPING.

WE GOT A RIVER TRAFFIC JAM, Y’ALL:

Becca describes this as “Party Town Thailand”

It’s madness. Rafts are running into each other, water is being splashed everywhere, and elephants are just hanging out. To be fair, I think the elephants would have visited the river whether it was a holiday or not, but I’m always here for baby elephants.

All of this looked super fun, but I have a confession to make: I’m a massive hypochondriac. The image of that river water getting all over them got me thinking: should they be concerned about waterborne illnesses? Do not, I repeat DO NOT Google this. Let’s just say there’s a parasitic flatworm that you want no part of.

Garrett tells Becca that he loves her, and they’re off to a super cool non-air conditioned tree house Fantasy Suite. Dude I can only assume it’s a million degrees out, and you’re telling me I’m supposed to want to be touched by another human? Hard pass. Where’s the bathroom? What’s the set up there? How big are the mosquitos?

It does seem cool the next morning as the rain falls and the birds chirp as two of our three remaining lovebirds chat about Forever Love. Garrett has been a frontrunner all season, earning the First Impression Rose and meshing flawlessly with Becca. And as it turns out, THEY’RE PRE-DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER:

The likenesses are eerie. I’m full on SHOOK. Garrett has this in the bag.

Oh, hold up y’all. Jason wants to forgo his classy exit by coming back and telling Becca that he isn’t going out without a fight.

Jason says he just needed more closure, but yiiiiikes it was awkward. Mad respect to the producers that realized they had tons of time to fill and that Jason had a couple hours before his flight and made all this possible. Jason gives Becca a scrapbook of their journey, which is exactly what everyone wants to receive during a break up.

Here’s what it looks like when you and your bro are waiting for your third bro but you see your lady show up:

Is there a reason she has to stand so far away from them?

Anyway, least dramatic rose ceremony ever. Becca will make her final choice in the Maldives in TWO weeks, because next week is the Men Tell All special.

And that means...

JORDAN IS BAAAAAACK.

I’ve missed you so much the past few weeks, Jordan. See you next week, friends!