The new ‘White Man Can’t Jump’ is a soulless, sad, pathetic mess

Time is a precious commodity, and one that shouldn’t be wasted on the new White Men Can’t Jump. The 2023 remake of the legendary sports comedy film is an extraordinary achievement in stripping almost every positive element out its source material and finding a way to make every wrong decision en route to a pathetic facsimile of something that was great.

The 1992 White Men Can’t Jump is a seminal look at the attitude, swagger, and culture of street ball — blended with the struggles of early ‘90s urban life. It works because of the dichotomy of Sidney (Wesley Snipes) and Billy (Woody Harrelson), two street ball hustlers who team up and learn from each other in the process.

The new version of the movie completely flips the two characters. Kamal (Sinqua Wells) is a former a high school phenom garnering mammoth hype, only to collapse his senior year and never reach his potential. Meanwhile Jeremy (Jack Harlow) is a former player for Gonzaga whose career was derailed by injuries. Jeremy now exists by training basketball players, hawking detox drinks at the gym, and desperately taking supplements in the hopes of returning to play ball.

The core concept is there, hustling to make money playing ball and entering a street tournament — but none of the struggle or stakes. It’s based purely on the conceit that Kamal hates working as a delivery driver, and Jeremy wants to make enough money that his girlfriend Tatiana (Laura Harrier), who’s a dancer, doesn’t need to keep grinding out crappy jobs instead of being an artist.

It’s also notable that while the 1992 film truly had a third lead in Gloria (Rosie Perez), her character is completely erased in the 2023 version — replaced by Tatiana, who is a bit player at best. In fact, both of the film’s two female characters pathetically fail the Bechdel Test, and even then somehow it’s not even the biggest problem with this movie.

This 2023 version of White Men Can’t Jump, really, really wants to remind you that Jack Harlow is white. It does this at every single turn, with some of the most pathetic one-off jokes and gags that aren’t legitimately funny. These include:

As terrible as all this sounds, I promise in practice it’s worse than you can imagine.

None of this is helped by the fact Harlow can’t act at all, and every time he’s on screen it reeks of them accepting the only decent take he gave them — because his delivery is so awkward and stilted that I refuse to believe a better one existed on the cutting room floor.

We’re left with a soulless, charmless, made-for-streaming regurgitation of a classic. The writing is garbage and self-aware, the acting is middling and dragged lower by Harlow, and desperate attempts by filmmakers try to reinvent the story for 2023 makes it fall flat and hollow.

There was absolutely a way to re-make White Men Can’t Jump and have it be interesting — but this ain’t it.

White Men Can’t Jump is streaming on Hulu. Don’t punish yourself by watching it.