College football has hundreds of teams at all sorts of levels, but only a handful of you have any shot at the biggest trophy. Luckily, more than in any other sport, this lends to choosing your own path. You’re probably not making the Playoff, and your coach will be gone three years from now, but so what? Set an attainable goal, hope for improvement over last year, and shout your fight song at 1 a.m. on your neighbor’s lawn regardless.
Basically, you can pout about not being Alabama — if you are Bama, no one asked you — or you can find joy.
So let’s treat the whole thing like a video game quest. Overpowered teams can hope to beat the game. Most can only hope to complete 50 percent. For some, logging on is a victory. (Good job, Oregon State.)
Below, you’ll find a winding series of paths, with any team at any level sure to find at least one goal worth striving for. Hidden within the quest, you’ll also find fun profiles of interesting teams, unique 2018 season analysis, and the best 130-team preview collection, period.
Main Quest
Win theNational Championship
Start
Remember: To make the Playoff, you can’t lose more than one battle
You may watch as Baker Mayfield plants an enemy flag in the rubble of your base. Or you may get annihilated by Iowa’s final form, The Tight End-er Dragon. You may not do both. (However, reaching the end without losing any battles will let you select your Playoff map, assuming ... well, more on that later.)
Battle 1
It might only be a tutorial against Kent State or Richmond, or it might be an actual battle. Yes, Virginia once lost to Tutorial Richmond.
Side Quest
Sim to 2019
Remember, this is available to you at any point in your quest, whether you need it right after your Week 1 loss to Tutorial Appalachian State or right after you lose to your archrival on a fourth-and-1 spot in OT.
Side Quest
Get your coach fired!
If you lost Battle 1, hurry to delete the character leading your party, so you can be first in line to bid huge sacks of gold on 2019’s replacement. If you’re Kansas, East Carolina, New Mexico, or — in general — any team amid scandals, you might want to just do that now.
Survive the inevitable National Mayhem Saturday
At one random point from Battles 2 through 9, all underdog armies will briefly quadruple in power, and at least one top-10 faction will be nerfed into a glorified Kentucky. (If you’re Iowa State or Pitt, you start National Mayhem Saturday wielding the blue turtle shell.)
Side Quest
Just make a bowl
Reaching the end without spending more than six lives will warp you to a random map — such as Potato Lake, Onionman’s Wasteland, or the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl — for one final battle against some army you’ve never heard of. Failure to qualify for this round probably means your coach will be fired, or he might’ve been fired anyway.
Here’s how all 40 bowl games will look in 2018
Side Quest
Just win a bowl
The reward for winning a bowl: the Higher Expectations badge. Coaches with this badge must win on increasingly prestigious bowl maps each year, or they’ll be fired.
Think bowls are meaningless? Learn otherwise.
You have a high score!
If you’re one of the few teams to reach November nearly unscathed and/or are from the SEC, your score will post up high on the Playoff committee’s leaderboard, henceforth updated after each battle. You must finish in the final top four in order to enter the Playoff round.
Side Quest
Win, but only enough so that nobody takes your coach
Did you start Oregon Trail as Farmer? Well, somebody playing as Banker is stealing your wagon. If you’re a smaller party whose leader is someone like Lane Kiffin, Dave Clawson, Neal Brown, Seth Littrell, or Jason Candle, then you’re running around Fortnite with legendary weapons and no shield. Pretend you’re sneaking around in Splinter Cell instead.
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Bonus Round
Punch a stalled car to smithereens, like in Street Fighter II. The car is either Charleston Southern or Illinois. Reload on first-aid kits and let your backups gain XP.
Enter the Rivalry Dungeon
Confront the Dark Shadow version of yourself! The hideous demon looks exactly/nothing like you, knows all your moves better than you do, and has sent overpaid server moderator Mark Emmert evidence of you using cheat hacks. Defeating Dark Shadow counts as a Good Ending for many teams, but even those who continue onward get to hear Dark Shadow cry about this L for a whole year.
Side Quest
Win a rivalry trophy!
Escaping the Rivalry Dungeon might unlock an ancient trophy that is both of no use and deeply precious.
What’s it like to have a dynasty as your archrival? No, this isn’t about Auburn!
Side Quest
Win your state
Depending on how fierce your immediate battleground is, winning this might be worth almost as much as anything in the Main Quest.
All seven of Florida’s FBS head coaches explain college football’s most fascinating state.
Side Quest
Create a fake rivalry trophy
What to do when your many rivalry trophies are really hard to obtain?
Just let the internet invent one!
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Win your Conference
With your armies nearing full mass, consolidate control over your entire region. It’s time to Win Your Conference. (Also complete the Dr. Pepper Scholarship Toss mini-game, with microtransactions.) For nearly any faction, completing this stage counts as a Good Ending.
The College Football Playoff Time Portal
Don’t forget to unlock the Time Portal before you begin the Main Quest! Oh, shoot, did you find out about this step just now? You were supposed to go back in time and make sure you joined a power conference like 100 years ago. Did you forget to do that?
Alternate Quest
Win out and award yourself a national title
The game’s cheating, so just tell your friends you beat it!
Can you survive the Twitter horde that spends all day defending UCF’s title claim?
Alternate Quest
Win a legit tournament
If you own the FCS, Division II, Division III, or NAIA expansion pack, then your entire Main Quest is ... uh ... really straightforward. Sorry you had to read all this.
Meet the scholarship program in Texas that’s actually won a recent national title.
Advance to the College Football Playoff micro-tournament
Two armies are assigned to each map. This year’s maps are both in expensive temples overseen by joyless billionaires from the grumpy spinoff game, NFL Quest. Merely reaching this stage is a Good Ending for very nearly everyone.
Blue-Chip Ratio: if your team’s not on this list, it’s not winning the Playoff.
Advance to the National Championship
The National Championship is played in Santa Clara, a fake town inspired by the edges of the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas map. You’ll need a map and compass, then to overtake refueling stations as you journey from the area by the bay, called The Bay Area.
Beat the final boss
Defeat Nick Saban on the most terrifying stage and become like the god of all gamers, Deshaun Watson.
Let’s create a version of Bama that’s even more obnoxious than the Golden State Warriors
Alternatively, skip all that stuff and enter cheat code iamnicksaban.
Start
Remember: To make the Playoff, you can’t lose more than one battle
You may watch as Baker Mayfield plants an enemy flag in the rubble of your base. Or you may get annihilated by Iowa’s final form, The Tight End-er Dragon. You may not do both. (However, reaching the end without losing any battles will let you select your Playoff map, assuming ... well, more on that later.)
Battle 1
It might only be a tutorial against Kent State or Richmond, or it might be an actual battle. Yes, Virginia once lost to Tutorial Richmond.
/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/11966823/CollegeFootballQuest-Art-03.0.png)
Side Quest
Get your coach fired!
If you lost Battle 1, hurry to delete the character leading your party, so you can be first in line to bid huge sacks of gold on 2019’s replacement. If you’re Kansas, East Carolina, New Mexico, or — in general — any team amid scandals, you might want to just do that now.
Side Quest
Sim to 2019
Remember, this is available to you at any point in your quest, whether you need it right after your Week 1 loss to Tutorial Appalachian State or right after you lose to your archrival on a fourth-and-1 spot in OT.
Survive the inevitable National Mayhem Saturday
At one random point from Battles 2 through 9, all underdog armies will briefly quadruple in power, and at least one top-10 faction will be nerfed into a glorified Kentucky. (If you’re Iowa State or Pitt, you start National Mayhem Saturday wielding the blue turtle shell.)
Side Quest
Just make a bowl
Reaching the end without spending more than six lives will warp you to a random map — such as Potato Lake, Onionman’s Wasteland, or the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl — for one final battle against some army you’ve never heard of. Failure to qualify for this round probably means your coach will be fired, or he might’ve been fired anyway.
Here’s how all 40 bowl games will look in 2018
Side Quest
Just win a bowl
The reward for winning a bowl: the Higher Expectations badge. Coaches with this badge must win on increasingly prestigious bowl maps each year, or they’ll be fired.
Think bowls are meaningless? Learn otherwise.
You have a high score!
If you’re one of the few teams to reach November nearly unscathed and/or are from the SEC, your score will post up high on the Playoff committee’s leaderboard, henceforth updated after each battle. You must finish in the final top four in order to enter the Playoff round.
Side Quest
Win, but only enough so that nobody takes your coach
Did you start Oregon Trail as Farmer? Well, somebody playing as Banker is stealing your wagon. If you’re a smaller party whose leader is someone like Lane Kiffin, Dave Clawson, Neal Brown, Seth Littrell, or Jason Candle, then you’re running around Fortnite with legendary weapons and no shield. Pretend you’re sneaking around in Splinter Cell instead.
Bonus Round
Punch a stalled car to smithereens, like in Street Fighter II. The car is either Charleston Southern or Illinois. Reload on first-aid kits and let your backups gain XP.
Enter the Rivalry Dungeon
Confront the Dark Shadow version of yourself! The hideous demon looks exactly/nothing like you, knows all your moves better than you do, and has sent overpaid server moderator Mark Emmert evidence of you using cheat hacks. Defeating Dark Shadow counts as a Good Ending for many teams, but even those who continue onward get to hear Dark Shadow cry about this L for a whole year.
Side Quest
Win a rivalry trophy!
Escaping the Rivalry Dungeon might unlock an ancient trophy that is both of no use and deeply precious.
What’s it like to have a dynasty as your archrival? No, this isn’t about Auburn!
Side Quest
Create a fake rivalry trophy
What to do when your many rivalry trophies are really hard to obtain?
Just let the internet invent one!
Side Quest
Win your state
Depending on how fierce your immediate battleground is, winning this might be worth almost as much as anything in the Main Quest.
All seven of Florida’s FBS head coaches explain college football’s most fascinating state.
Win your Conference
With your armies nearing full mass, consolidate control over your entire region. It’s time to Win Your Conference. (Also complete the Dr. Pepper Scholarship Toss mini-game, with microtransactions.) For nearly any faction, completing this stage counts as a Good Ending.
The College Football Playoff Time Portal
Don’t forget to unlock the Time Portal before you begin the Main Quest! Oh, shoot, did you find out about this step just now? You were supposed to go back in time and make sure you joined a power conference like 100 years ago. Did you forget to do that? If you forgot to join a power conference, your quest probably ended at your bowl game, unless you qualify for one of the two non-Playoff quests that follow the Time Portal.
/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/12058025/TimeSpiral-02.0.png)
Alternate Quest
Win out and award yourself a national title
The game’s cheating, so just tell your friends you beat it!
Can you survive the Twitter horde that spends all day defending UCF’s title claim?
Alternate Quest
Win a legit tournament
If you own the FCS, Division II, Division III, or NAIA expansion pack, then your entire Main Quest is ... uh ... really straightforward. Sorry you had to read all this.
Meet the scholarship program in Texas that’s actually won a recent national title.
Advance to the College Football Playoff micro-tournament
Two armies are assigned to each map. This year’s maps are both in expensive temples overseen by joyless billionaires from the grumpy spinoff game, NFL Quest. Merely reaching this stage is a Good Ending for very nearly everyone.
Blue-Chip Ratio: if your team’s not on this list, it’s not winning the Playoff.
Advance to the National Championship
The National Championship is played in Santa Clara, a fake town inspired by the edges of the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas map. You’ll need a map and compass, then to overtake refueling stations as you journey from the area by the bay, called The Bay Area.
Beat the final boss
Defeat Nick Saban on the most terrifying stage and become like the god of all gamers, Deshaun Watson.
Let’s create a version of Bama that’s even more obnoxious than the Golden State Warriors
Alternatively, skip all that stuff and enter cheat code iamnicksaban.
Credits
Editor: Jason Kirk
Design: Tyson Whiting
Developer: Frank Bi