- Turn your back on the television.
How not to watch Netherlands-Argentina
Here’s how to avoid a super boring game.
Pool
- Throw your television out the window.
- Punt your television out the window.
- Eat your television.
- Place a bag over your head.
- Eat so many cookies that you fall asleep/die.
- Glue your eyes shut with oatmeal.
- Call your mother. She just wants to know how you’re doing. Did you hear about Uncle Pete? Well, he’s drinking again.
- Dig a hole and sit in it.
- Wash dishes. Wash again because the air is filthy.
- Go to a bar, but one of those quiet bars with smelly wooden decor, no TVs, and a deer for a bartender. You know, that kind of bar.
- Think about Dennis Miller. Just think about him.
- Play FIFA with a CPU as both teams.
- Destroy the sun. No light, no sight.
- Search eBay for “rad looney tunes jacket mens small.”
- Boil a rock.
- Watch Solaris (2002) with the sound off synced up with Will Smith’s Big Willie Style. You never know.
- Read some LeBron stuff or whatever. There are probably some analysis videos on the WatchESPN app you haven’t seen.
- Make some vegetable stock to save. It’ll last the whole month!
- Try to picture the Atlanta Thrashers logo. You can’t.
- Search YouTube for “whale farts.”
- Move to Oregon
- Hey, have we ever tried making cheese?
- Buy a big-ass block of ice and yell at it until it melts.
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