An idiot’s scouting report for the 2015 Kentucky Derby

The Kentucky Derby is almost here. Have you familiarized yourself with the competitors? Here you’ll find a detailed scouting report (plus one fun fact!) on each of the top horses:

Built like a horse. Like, exactly like a horse.

Poops wherever he pleases, even while racing. Discipline issue?

100 percent of the Kentucky Derby field is comprised of horses, yet there has never been a single horse golfer in 86 years of the PGA Tour. International Star is considered the horse world’s best chance in decades to break this streak.

Has 4 legs, which is so many!

Literally never speaks. What is he hiding?

Is three years old, which is how old you are supposed to be to race in the race.

Doesn’t always come in first in races. Sometimes comes in second or even fourth.

“Frosted” is just this horse’s racing name. His given name is Neil. Neil Horse.

Highly coachable.

Poor hands, frustratingly misspelled name.

Remember the 1980 Sheena Easton song “9 to 5 (Morning Train),” the one that goes “My baby takes the morning train/he works from 9 ‘til 5,” etc.? That song was written about American Pharoah 20 years before his birth.

Has exactly the right training for this event: namely, a lot of racing and also regular running.

Afraid of lizards and voles. If there are any lizards or voles on or near the course, that’s gonna be a problem.

In human English, the Latin phrase “carpe diem” translates to “seize the day.” In horse Latin, it translates to “weeeeeeeewhwhwhwhuhghghgh,” which in horse English means “brrrrgughghhuuew.”

Remarkably low body fat.

Terrible, stinky horse farts.

Some horses race just to race. Some are racing from their pasts. Mubtaahj has come out of retirement to run the Kentucky Derby -- one last job to save his little brother Kip from a murderous kingpin horse.

(Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports)

Intelligence far above that of the average horse.

Mushy, pink hooves unfit for the stress of racing.

Mark is expected to participate in an Arizona Diamondbacks game Saturday evening. He has yet to sign up for the Derby. Is he going to be a no-show?

Willing to work for no money whatsoever.

Usually has a small man atop his back, which adds drag.

Materiality is the tallest horse of all time. There is no way for you to disprove this.

(Mark Zerof-USA TODAY Sports)

That’s the long and short of it! Consider yourself prepared for the 2015 Kentucky Derby. Bet away!

(Most horse photos via KentuckyDerby.com)