The Vortex football made everyone an elite quarterback

I was a feeble child. I sucked. I still suck. This is why I do the Internet! But yeah, as a kid with small hands, a weak arm and minimal coordination, footballs were a problem -- too big to throw with a proper spiral, too tough and pointy to catch.

Then I got a Vortex football in a second grade Secret Santa -- the original orange one with John Elway on the box -- and I became a goddamn legend. The Vortex is the greatest sports toy on Earth. I will explain.

If you’re not familiar, the Vortex is a soft, hand-sized football with an aerodynamic tail like that of a dart. It sails much farther than a regulation football, and its spongy composition and grab-able tail make it an easier catch. It debuted in 1993 under the patent of the man who also owns the world record for speaking backwards quickly. This guy!

Anyone can successfully chuck a Vortex. A sad, limp-wristed throw from a baby’s hand would somehow turn into a perfectly-arcing spiral. Bring it to the beach and soak it in the ocean and you could really do some damage.

When Elway set a world record by throwing the thing 90 yards (more on that in a second), this random kid came along and beat the record with a second-generation Vortex:

Is that real? I’m not sure, but I tried to find out:

No useful results, which means: Yes that was real. The Vortex makes kids as good as John Elway.

There are plenty of devices invented to make sports easier for crappy children, but those same devices don’t do much for kids who’ve already mastered the adult-ready equipment. Training wheels do nothing for a kid who knows how to ride a bike, and a tee is no fun if you can hit an airborne baseball. The Vortex allowed weak arms to throw a football, and allowed strong arms to throw the absolute hell out of a football. It’s most comparable to an aluminum baseball bat, if that bat also guaranteed a 45-degree trajectory with every swing.

What about elite arms, though? The first Vortex commercial I remember starred Elway making a world record throw -- several fellow #True90sKids corroborate that Elway threw the Vortex all the way out of a stadium. I cannot find video of this original ad -- only the snippet of it from the follow-up ad above where the kid beats his record:

(GIF via Buzzfeed)

He did it, though. I swear. The point there is: The best football-throwers on Earth can heave a football around 70 yards -- maybe 80 at the very most. Shrink the ball and stick a tail on it, and Elway can throw it OUT OF THE BUILDING.

On a more personal level, this meant when we played “500” on the playground, my friend Brian, who was good at sports, could throw the ball so high that he’d sprint down to where the rest of us were waiting and receive it himself. And if you, like Brian, could make acrobatic, one-handed catches with a regular football, you looked like a cyborg Odell Beckham Jr. with a Vortex in your grasp.

Small, squishy football + tail would have been enough, but the Vortex people did better than that. There are, in my opinion, four surefire ways to improve a toy:

- Make it produce noise

- Add buttons, even if unnecessary

- Make it see-through/glow-in-the-dark

- Make it dispense jelly beans

Vortex checked at least two of these boxes. Ever since the original version, the Vortex has been built with tiny whistles embedded in its sides so it HOWLS as it flies through the air. It is a distinctive and wonderful sound:

Later, they made a Vortex with an extendable tail that popped out when you pushed a button on the side.

No good reason whatsoever. Just cool.

And while I don’t remember this, there was one with a button that made it glow in the dark, too.

Basically: The original Vortex was a toy enjoyable for anyone of any skill level, and it has only improved over time. Thank you, Vortex.