I wish to purchase stadium naming rights and name the stadium after myself

U.S. Cellular Field, home of the Chicago White Sox, now goes by the name Guaranteed Rate Field because a company called Guaranteed Rate paid $68 million for naming rights.

I would also like to buy naming rights to a stadium. Or an arena. Or a field, garden, park, dome, center ... even a centre. I don’t have $68 million, but I do have $18. And that’s not all.

See, I have no intention of reproducing, but I do intend to leave a lasting legacy on this planet. That is why I wish to purchase the rights to name a sporting venue Seth. Not Seth Stadium or The Seth Center, just Seth. Seth Jr., I guess. And unlike the corporations that coldly exploit their adopted mega-buildings, I will go beyond just naming my stadium. I will treat Seth Jr. like any father would treat a son or daughter. I will visit it a couple times a year, depending on the stadium’s proximity to my home. I will feed and protect the stadium, and bathe it, I guess with a big hose. I will play ball with it. Or, you know, inside it. I will love it, nourish it and teach it lessons.

This is what I can offer that Vivint Smart Home and CenturyLink and Talking Stick can and will not. Less money, yes, but also a father’s love.

So who’s it going to be? Looking around the web, I found a few buildings with naming rights set to expire in 2017. One is Qualcomm Stadium, home of the Chargers. I have ruled this out because I do not want my stadium-child to inherit an association with failure and suffering. Ditto the Verizon Center, home of the Washington Wizards. The pickings are slim, really.

So what about an arena whose naming rights have not been purchased? Madison Square Garden, home of my beloved Knicks, would be great. It would be such an honor for the Knicks -- history’s most successful sports franchise -- to play home games at Seth, aka the “World’s Most Famous Arena.”

So hit me up, MSG people. Or anyone with a stadium, really. My heart is open, my money is good, and I am willing to commit for life. A brand can’t give you all this.