NBA teams ask draft prospects some surprising questions at the combine. Example:
Which NBA team will draft you, depending on how you want to die
There’s a science to this!
Photo by Arthur Edwards - WPA Pool/Getty Images
You might think asking a prospect how he wants to die is odd, but it’s actually a great way to determine which team he fits best. Here, I made a key for you.
Question: How do you want to die?
Answer: I want to be in a huge fiery accident in which one of the most famous and celebrated people on Earth dies, so everyone just talks about that person dying and forgets I was even there.
You’ve moved up the draft boards of: the Cleveland Cavaliers and Oklahoma City Thunder!
Answer: Actually, this startup in Mountain View has developed technology where if you eat these packets of goo every day, it’s expected that you’ll live forev—
Stop right there. You’ve got a promise from: the Golden State Warriors!
Answer: I want a pretty exciting death, but I don’t want anyone to see it.
You’re getting interest from: the Atlanta Hawks and Denver Nuggets!
Answer: I want to die by taking a bullet to the head while running at a full sprint, such that I fall forward into a hole predug in the Earth. Then I want someone to sprinkle seeds over my body so all of its energy stores are efficiently converted into the life force of a mighty tree.
You’ve been drafted by: the Houston Rockets!
Answer: Same as above, but an even mightier tree. And I don’t need to sprint. I’m just gonna mosey into that predug grave and not be all dramatic about it.
You’ve been drafted by: the San Antonio Spurs!
Answer: I want my wife to realize that instead of settling down with me, she’d rather keep her options open, because after all, there are some 15-year-olds out there who might grow into terrific husband material, even if she’ll feel lonely while she waits, so even though she has nothing against me, she suffocates me in my sleep.
You’ve been drafted by: the Philadelphia 76ers!
Answer: Just, like, a lot of small injuries that get worse and worse until I’m dead.
You’re perfect for: the New Orleans Pelicans!
Answer: I want to fall off the roof ... and land on the ceiling?
Michael Jordan is trading four future picks so you can be drafted by: the Charlotte Hornets!
Answer: I want everyone to forget I exist, and then I just fade into oblivion.
You’ve been drafted by: the Brooklyn Nets!
Answer: I’m already dead.
The following teams are all fighting to trade up and pick you: the Sacramento Kings and Orlando Magic!
Answer: I want Boban Marjanovic to eat me alive. Whole.
Congrats! You’re headed to: the Detroit Pistons!
Answer: I want to be living a happy, productive life but have the government decide to execute me anyway because this place is run by a notorious tyrant whose idea of what’s best for his people is totally backward.
If they end up keeping their pick, you’re definitely getting drafted by: the New York Knicks!
