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NCAA bracket predictions 2013: A completely arbitrary take
The hardest choice you will ever have to make in life is when you fill out each year’s March Madness bracket. I’m here to make your life easier by reducing your bracket to a series of arbitrary tiebreakers. You can get your printable NCAA bracket here.
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
I am not a bracketologist, let alone a great one. But I am here to predict the 2013 NCAA Tournament for you. In order to do so, I will look at each and every matchup and use completely arbitrary criteria to determine them. Sound good? Of course it does! So here we go!
Less arbitrary predictions: Championship in the Cards? More bracket predictions Thursday, Friday NCAA TV schedule
First Four
Liberty vs. North Carolina A&T
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Alphabetical order
Winner: Liberty
Middle Tennessee State vs. St. Mary's
Arbitrary tiebreaker: In a set of 30, what could be considered the numbers from 11-20?
Winner: Middle Tenn
LIU Brooklyn vs. JMU
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team acronym could conceivably stand for “Jawbreaker-Muncher University”?
Winner: JMU
Boise State vs. La Salle
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team sounds more French?
Winner: La Salle
Midwest Region
SECOND ROUND
Louisville (1) vs. Liberty (16)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is the No. 1 seed?
Winner: Louisville
Colorado State (8) vs. Missouri (9)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team’s mascot can I name off the top of my head?
Winner: Missouri
Oklahoma State (5) vs. Oregon (12)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which school ISN’T well-known for its annoyingly garish uniforms?
Winner: Oklahoma State
Saint Louis (4) vs. New Mexico State (13)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team’s mascot is named after a literal elvish trickster imp?
Winner: Saint Louis
Memphis (6) vs. Middle Tenn State (11)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which city has a song about walking around in said city?
Winner: Memphis
Michigan State (3) vs. Valparaiso (14)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: I definitely know the home state of which of these schools?
Winner: Michigan State
Creighton (7) vs. Cincinnati (10)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Is there a team that loves either bears or cats?
Winner: Cincinnati
Duke (2) vs. Albany (15)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Is Duke playing their first game of the NCAA Tournament?
Winner: Duke
THIRD ROUND
Louisville vs. Missouri
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which region name has the more adorable local pronunciation?
Winner: Louisville
Oklahoma State vs. Saint Louis
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which city has the more annoying musical?
Winner: Saint Louis
Memphis vs. Michigan State
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which elimination would cut down on large cats in the tournament?
Winner: Michigan State
Cincinnati vs. Duke
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team do I hate more?
Winner: Duke
West Region
SECOND ROUND
Gonzaga (1) vs. Southern (16)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team sounds more like a kindly halfling?
Winner: Gonzaga
Pittsburgh (8) vs. Wichita State (9)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which city has more bridges?
Winner: Pittsburgh
Wisconsin (5) vs. Ole Miss (12)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is younger?
Winner: Wisconsin
Kansas State (4) vs. La Salle (13)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Flipped a coin.
Winner: Kansas State
Arizona (6) vs. Belmont (11)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team isn’t a character from Castlevania?
Winner: Arizona
New Mexico (3) vs. Harvard (14)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team represents the 99%?
Winner: New Mexico
Notre Dame (7) vs. Iowa State (10)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Who would win in a fight between a cyclone and a fighting Irish?
Winner: Iowa State
Ohio State (2) vs. Iona (15)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team doesn’t sound made-up?
Winner: Ohio State
THIRD ROUND
Gonzaga vs. Pittsburgh
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which school is located further from Philadelphia?
Winner: Gonzaga
Wisconsin vs. Kansas State
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Went against gut instinct.
Winner: Kansas State
Arizona vs. New Mexico
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Whichever state doesn’t have Breaking Bad going for it. (Cinderella story.)
Winner: Arizona
Iowa State vs. Ohio State
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team will offer more opportunities to say “Olentangy”?
Winner: Ohio State
South Region
SECOND ROUND
Kansas (1) vs. Western Kentucky (16)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Who has the better school chant?
Winner: Kansas
North Carolina (8) vs. Villanova (9)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Most “v”s in name
Winner: Villanova
VCU (5) vs. Akron (12)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Most nonsensical mascot.
Winner: Akron
Michigan (4) vs. South Dakota State (13)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which state actually has people living in it? (This was a close one.)
Winner: Michigan
UCLA (6) vs. Minnesota (11)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which institution rejected my grad school application?
Winner: UCLA
Florida (3) vs. Northwestern State (14)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: lol come on now
Winner: Florida
San Diego State (7) vs. Oklahoma (10)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Better surfing?
Winner: San Diego State
Georgetown (2) vs. Florida Gulf Coast (15)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which school isn’t in Florida?
Winner: Georgetown
THIRD ROUND
Kansas vs. Villanova
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Less “v”s in name?
Winner: Kansas
Akron vs. Michigan
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is more dignified?
Winner: Michigan
UCLA vs. Florida
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which school is slightly more disgraced than the other?
Winner: Florida
San Diego State vs. Georgetown
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which fanbase has less to live for?
Winner: Georgetown
East Region
SECOND ROUND
Indiana (1) vs. JMU (16)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which home state is literally made out of basketballs?
Winner: Indiana
N.C. State (8) vs. Temple (9)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Preponderance of hooting?
Winner: Temple
UNLV (5) vs. California (12)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which mascot lives more outside of the law?
Winner: UNLV
Syracuse (4) vs. Montana (13)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is more fun to root against?
Winner: Syracuse
Butler (6) vs. Bucknell (11)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: These two teams are actually the same team. TOO CLOSE TO CALL.
Winner: PUSH
Marquette (3) vs. Davidson (14)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which one is a basketball team and not a former cast member of In Living Color?
Winner: Marquette
Illinois (7) vs. Colorado (10)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Whoever is more orange.
Winner: Illinois
Miami (2) vs. Pacific (15)
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is closer to the Atlantic?
Winner: Miami
THIRD ROUND
Indiana vs. Temple
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Team more likely to have Gene Hackman pinch-coach?
Winner: Indiana
UNLV vs. Syracuse
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is led by a sentient nose?
Winner: Syracuse
Marquette vs. [null set]
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Butler and Bucknell canceled each other out, remember?
Winner: Marquette
Illinois vs. Miami
Arbitrary tiebreaker: More hilarious arrests?
Winner: Miami
Sweet 16
Louisville vs. Saint Louis
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Would a cardinal be able to peck a Billiken to death?
Winner: Louisville
Michigan State vs. Duke
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Who would I most like to see choke in the Sweet 16?
Winner: Michigan State
Gonzaga vs. Kansas State
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Put the wrong name in my spreadsheet.
Winner: Kansas State
Arizona vs. Ohio State
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Random number generator.
Winner: Ohio State
Kansas vs. Michigan
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Team less likely to betray its color scheme.
Winner: Kansas
Florida vs. Georgetown
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Better pet: alligator or bulldog? (This went to a run-off.)
Winner: Georgetown
Indiana vs. Syracuse
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which one would you least want to make a smoothie out of?
Winner: Indiana
Marquette vs. Miami
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which one did Will Smith write a song about?
Winner: Miami
Elite Eight
Louisville vs. Michigan State
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Who needs it more?
Winner: Louisville
Kansas State vs. Ohio State
Arbitrary tiebreaker: “It” factor.
Winner: Ohio State
Kansas vs. Georgetown
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Cheaper flights.
Winner: Kansas
Indiana vs. Miami
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Better beaches.
Winner: Miami
Final Four
Louisville vs. Ohio State
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Better opportunity for mint julep jokes?
Winner: Louisville
Kansas vs. Miami
Arbitrary tiebreaker: “Dust in the Wind.”
Winner: Kansas
National Championship Game
Louisville vs. Kansas
Arbitrary tiebreaker: Jon Bois’ broken heart.
Winner: Kansas
Arbitrary National Champions: Kansas Jayhawks
You don’t want it, but here’s what my full bracket looks like:
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