Onions! Where we’re so done with quarterfinals

A plea to the shadowy cabal involved in organizing every aspect of college basketball: give us a warning about Daylight Savings Time next year. There were 23 hours in a day that needed 24. My brain is going to leak out of my eye-sockets.

Sunday should be SPECTACULAR -- we’re past the quarterfinals in every league active except the Summit, so we’re getting all killer and only Summit filler -- but let’s catch up on yesterday’s stuff.

Grab your favorite blend of herbs and spices and a bolo tie! The Eastern Kentucky Colonels are going dancing!

“Rodger!,” you might say. “Kentucky has a rich tradition that you’re belittling! Colonel Sanders is not the only Kentucky Colonel! Why must you repeatedly reference him when discussing EKU?” Look, I don’t want to keep coming back to the same joke. But I must point out that EKU’s mascot is just a menacing Colonel Sanders:

(Their IRL mascot appears to be wearing a regular tie, not a bolo.)

To praise Eastern Kentucky, we have to praise Belmont. The Bruins won their last two regular season titles and conference tournaments in the Atlantic Sun, then their first two regular season titles and their first conference tournament in the OVC. Thanks to a bracket that put them in the semifinals and a tournament played a few miles from campus, all they had to do was win two games in front of a partisan crowd to dance for a fourth straight year.

EKU had other ideas. The Colonels drained three threes and forced four turnovers before the first media timeout, jumping out to a 12-0 lead that they’d never relinquish. Corey Walden put up 29, and Glenn Cosey had 23.

For a team you’ve never heard of, EKU does a lot of things really well. They have the fourth-best EFG% in the nation thanks to Cosey (who shoots nearly eight threes a game and connects on 42.5 percent of them) and a whopping seven rotation players who shoot over 50 percent from inside the arc. And they force turnovers on 24.2 percent of opposing possessions, the fifth-best figure in the country.

They’re potent shooters and they make you cough the ball up. You haven’t heard of them, but against the right team, there’s upset potential.

The Colonels last danced in 2005, and haven’t had an NBA player since the 70’s. They’re 0-7 in the NCAA Tournament, so it’s nice that good basketball things are happening to them.

This is going to shock you, but Wichita State won. Demolished, really. They were doubling up Missouri State for more than half of the game. The Arch Madness you wanted to watch was in the Indiana State-Southern Illinois, where the Sycamores held off the Salukis 62-59 behind 20 points from Jake Odum. Salukis have dumb ears, and this is my soapbox to talk about it.

The Horizon League thought it was smart giving its two top seeds double-byes into the semifinals. THEY THOUGHT WRONG, Y’ALL, as both teams were wiped out in their first postseason games.

Green Bay was one of the teams I had tabbed to write at length about, provided they made the NCAA Tournament. They seemed to have an easy route as they were far and away the best Horizon League team and as the top seed, the tournament’s semifinals and finals were played in their home arena.

Jordan Aaron of Wisconsin-Milwaukee was not about that Phoenix life. With the Panthers down four points, he scored four points in the last minute of regulation. Then Green Bay couldn’t get it together in OT, getting outscored 11-4. Aaron would finish with 28. Beware of dudes named “Aaron” when playing sporting events in the Green Bay metropolitan area.

Wright State had the -- CRINGE AHEAD OF TIME -- Wright stuff to get past Cleveland State. It’s official: Raiders are better than Vikings (here is where you could make another NFL joke). Cole Darling had 21 points on only 10 shots, Wright State shot 55 percent from the field and 50 percent from deep, and that’ll win you some games.

Everything worked out as planned: Boston University and American will meet in the finals. American nearly doubled up Holy Cross in the second half, outscoring them 35-18 to erase a six-point halftime deficit en route to a 57-46 win, and BU blew the damn doors of Army, winning 91-70. You got the best two teams in the league squaring off, and that ain’t shabby.

St. Francis (PA) gave top-seeded Robert Morris a run for their money, but the Colonials turned to their one-two punch of Lucky Jones and Karvel Anderson, once again giving us an opportunity to talk about Lucky Jones and Karvel Anderson being named Lucky Jones and Karvel Anderson. They combined for 39 of Bobby Mo’s 60 points, and although the Red Flash would cut a 10-point deficit to just one in the game’s final minute, they’d never tie it up.

In the other semifinal, Wagner got Whacked: After his buzzer-beater against St. Francis, Robert Whack put up 21 points to lead Mount St. Mary’s past the second-seeded Seahawks.

I’m officially mad at this tournament for being at Coastal Carolina. Although I love the Chanticleers -- Shaaaaaaaaaaaahn-ti-cleers -- they keep escaping. Runny-gunny VMI was up late, but Coastal Carolina would outscore the Keydets 9-3 after the last media timeout for a four-point win. They’re the best team left in this bracket after High Point’s loss, but between this and a double-OT win against Charleston Southern, they haven’t made their road to a title easy.

On the other side of the bracket, Winthrop knocked off UNC-Asheville thanks to their pair of Keons: Keon Moore nailed four threes as part of his 20 points, and Keon Johnson chipped in 16 including the team’s final two scores in an 80-79 win.

All chalk in Vegas, although Santa Clara pushed Gonzaga: The Bulldogs won 77-75 on this game-winning layup by David “Lil John” Stockton. I’m kinda surprised they turned to Stockton with the game on the line with more talented scorers on the roster, but it worked. RIP San Diego, Loyola Marymount, and Pepperdine as well.

A sprinkling of non-chalk, as No. 5 Northeastern hung 90 on Drexel, meaning we don’t get to think about Drexel coach Bruiser Flint anymore, which is a bummer for all parties involved. RIP Hofstra, Charleston, and James Madison as well.

Chalk, and boring chalk: the closest quarterfinal was Vermont’s 77-60 beating of New Hampshire. RIP to Maine, who, like New Hampshire, has never been to the NCAA Tournament. Also falling were Binghamton and Maryland-Baltimore County.

Chalk. Shout-out to Siena-Canisius for being almost interesting, with Billy Baron’s 17 points pushing the Golden Griffins past the Saints 71-65. RIP to Rider, who no longer has any ambitions, St. Peter’s, who were not playing Fairfield and thus did not get a Desi Washington game-winner, and Niagara.

No. 2 Chattanooga went down to seventh-seeded Georgia Southern, which is rather disappointing. I had wanted to discuss Chattanooga’s Gee McGhee, Z. Mason (That’s his name. Z.) and Ronrico White for some time. But the Eagles outscored the Mocs 38-28 in the second half for a 62-55 win. Western Carolina’s 66-64 win over Elon was modestly interesting I suppose, a) because Elon is a never-tourney squad and b) because wow, what a bad day for Phoenixes. Wofford beat The Citadel -- ending the Bulldogs’ miracle run -- and top-seeded Davidson romped over Samford.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO! THREE BIDS ARE HANDED OUT! FOUR LEAGUES AT THE SEMIFINALS! LET’S DO THIS

Indiana State is a neat team. They’re neat. Jake Odum is a neat point guard. We had a neat longform on them. They’re quite possibly the best team in the state of Indiana, he says, intentionally throwing shade at Indiana and Purdue and Notre Dame.

They also have a 10-percent chance of beating Wichita State per Kenpom, which for a conference championship game, is absolutely preposterous.

Let’s put it this way: the feather in Indiana State’s cap is that they are a strong defensive rebounding team, No. 17 in the nation, grabbing 72.3 percent of the shots other teams miss.

Wichita State is better than them at defensive rebounding, grabbing 74.1 percent of opposing team’s misses, eighth in the nation.

This is a roundabout way of saying I expect Wichita State to be 34-0 in a few hours, and although one of the games between these two was close -- just seven points! -- that was in Terre Haute, and this one is at a neutral sight, and There Might Be Blood.

The people most-intently rooting for Wichita State, though: bubble teams. If Indiana State breaks history, there goes a tourney spot.

This is one for revenge.

Last year, FGCU was the two-seed and Mercer was the one-seed. But the Eagles went into Mercer’s house and exploded in an 88-75 win. They’d go on to upset Georgetown and become Dunk City, earning nationwide acclaim as the cool school with the cool dunks and the young coach with the hot wife and the beaches on the campus.

Meanwhile, Mercer sat at home.

This year, the script is flipped, with Mercer heading into FGCU’s den. Both teams went 14-4 in conference play, and they split the season series, but FGCU gets to play at home because they had a better record against third-seeded USC Upstate. Mercer’s problem with USC-Upstate almost came back to bite them, as they needed double overtime to topple the Spartans in a semifinal.

The gang is mainly still there for FGCU: they still have point guard Brett Comer, shooting guard Bernard Thompson, and dunkster Chase Fieler. Most importantly, they still have dunks:

Mercer has Atlantic Sun player of the year in Langston Hall, who leads the team in both scoring and assists. Hall is Mercer’s chance to dance: he had 18 points and 11 assists in the Mercer win over FGCU and will need something like that again to get them another W.

Remember what we were saying about how it’s messed up that Coastal Carolina gets a home game in their shiny new stadium in Myrtle Beach as opposed to a more, say, fair tournament?

Winthrop is the better team here, or so the regular season says. They’re ranked higher than Coastal Carolina on Kenpom, 218 to 242. They won both regular season matchups, winning in Myrtle Beach in overtime and by 10 at home. Yes, Winthrop is a four-seed and Coastal Carolina is a one-seed, but this has more to do with uneven divisions in the Big South than relative strengths of the teams; Winthrop went 10-6, Coastal went 11-5.

But this one’s in the Chanticleers’ home -- SHAAAAAAAAAHN-ti-cleer -- so that’s a big boost. Winthrop’s got their pair of Keons, who combined for 45 of the team’s 73 points in their OT win over Coastal. They also shoot 39.6 percent from deep, the ninth-best percentage in the country. Incidentally, Coastal has one of the worst three-point defenses in the country. So that’s what the Eagles should look to exploit if they wanna dance.

No. 5 Northeastern Huskies vs. No. 1 Delaware Blue Hens, 2:30 p.m. ET: I have two jokes about Delaware basketball. The first is just me singing “Go Blue Hens” to the tune of “No New Friends” by Drake. The second is me singing various Usher songs because of Mississippi Valley State transfer Davon Usher, who has let it burn to the tune of 19.7 points this year and is still their No. 2 scorer behind Devon Saddler. These dudes get buckets.

No. 3 William and Mary Tribe vs. No. 2 Towson Tigers, 5 p.m. ET: Did you know William and Mary has never made the NCAA Tournament? Did you know William and Mary has never made the NCAA tournament? Did you know William and Mary has nev-

Towson’s player to watch is Jerrelle Benimon, who just took his second straight CAA player of the year title. He averages 18.9 per game, and had 21 points and 16 boards in a two-point victory over the Tribe just two games ago. William and Mary’s players to watch are William and Mary, you idiot.

No. 1 Iona Gaels vs. No. 4 Canisius Golden Griffins, 4:30 p.m. ET: Canisius is Billy Baron. Iona is super-fast and super-good at offense, as I told you ALL SEASON LONG, WHY WEREN’T YOU READING GOSH. Should be fun.

No. 3 Quinnipiac Bobcats vs. No. 2 Manhattan Jaspers, 7 p.m. ET: The mighty Quinn has the best offensive rebound rate in the nation! Manhattan has the No. 2 FTA/FGA in the nation! This is an orgasm of weird stats that are incredibly important in basketball but nobody pays attention to.

No. 4 Albany Great Danes vs. No. 1 Vermont Catamounts, 5 p.m. ET: Vermont is much much much better than anybody else in America East and now you know that! Their best player is “Clancy Rugg.”

No. 3 Hartford Hawks vs. No. 2 Stony Brook Seawolves, 7:15 p.m. ET: AHHHHHHH IT’S TOO LATE FOR NEVER-MADE-THE-TOURNEY ON NEVER-MADE-THE-TOURNEY CRIME. CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG

No. 5 Western Carolina Catamounts vs. No. 1 Davidson Wildcats, 6 p.m. ET: Get to know Davidson’s De’Mon Brooks, who is sufficiently demonic with 18.2 points and 7.2 boards per game.

No. 7 Georgia Southern Eagles vs. No. 2 Wofford Terriers, 8:30 p.m. ET: In all honesty, I know nothing about either of these teams. But this game is on after every other game, so I will watch it and report back to you.

It’s the quarterfinals and I just wrote 2,300 words and I’ll be damned if I’m giving you previews of Summit League quarterfinals I’ll rip your damn brains out if you ask me one more time jerk I’ll cut your face off

Okay! LET’S BASKETBALL, EVERYBODY!