Somewhere in an eatable chicken restaurant — Every March, without fail, there is something that makes people across these 50 United States need a heart defibrillator.
Here is the world’s definitive fried chicken bracket
A response to the internet’s bad chicken bracket. Bask.
Often it’s a buzzer-beater for our beloved March Madness. At times it could be a birthday event, a wedding, or something else someone old who lives in Manchester, New Hampshire, does on off days.
But we are gathered here today because someone decided to make a dumbass bracket about chicken tenders and give it to the internet.
Shouts to my man ATL Sports Nate for giving this to the culture, even tho he ain’t make it.
I’m not in the business of snitching, so I won’t let y’all know that some uncouth child made this horrendous bracket. We not even gonna talk about how Tyson isn’t a restaurant.
Truly, this is unconscionable. Scottish immigrants in the South, who started frying chicken in the middle ages after they were domesticated in Mesopotamia, didn’t die for this.
The fried bird deserves respect. So I have taken it upon myself to fix this injustice. Behold, the crispy bracket of wonder known as SB NATION CHICKEN MADNESS.
Someone please play “Glory” by John Legend and Common
Some notes:
- McDonald’s is only in here because it sells 20-piece chicken nuggets that you probably gulped after you downed half a fifth of Fireball for your buddy’s bachelor party to his high school sweetheart. No, you don’t have pictures from that random Tuesday.
- Wingstop lost in the “Fried First Four” because Rick Ross has taken entirely too long to give the streets another album.
- KFC is only here because it has been endorsed by the unseasoned 45th Supreme Lord of America, Donald Trump — who eats fried chicken with a gotdamn fork.
- And DQ is present mostly because I like ice cream, but I’ve been told by numerous Northwestern alumni that their chicken is divine.
- There is a 100 percent bias against Raising Cane’s and its chicken because Roscoe’s is the underdog we all deserve, and who doesn’t love waffles with their chicken. Right. I know.
- Church’s is in the first round because, as their commercial “Chicken Genius Grandma” showed us five years ago, chicken gives life lessons from families of every creed and color. Church’s lost in the first round because life keeps reminding America that this isn’t a postracial society.
If you have any complaints about the champion, Popeyes, my drunk uncle Spencer Hall instituted an SB Nation policy in January that POPEYES IS PERFECT AND YOU ARE THE PROBLEM and I must abide by this blatant feudalism.
Feel free to pick your best chicken champion in the comments. OK, bye.
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