WWE 2K15 Decides: The Florida Gators head coaching job

Newsflash: This is America. We don’t settle things in my America with interviews or resumes. We settle them with fists. Who will be Florida’s next head coach? You’ll read a hundred lists and scores of articles between now and when Will Muschamp’s replacement is found, and while they’re all worthy, it’s all a moot point. WWE 2K15 decided it for you.

The most people I could pack in a ring was six, making the match type obvious: a six-man, over-the-top-rope Battle Royale. We wouldn’t get to see any high-flying acrobatics or finishing moves, and in fact, the whole contest would likely devolve into a fist-flailing, incomprehensible shit-show. Perfect. All of this was simulated, and no wrestler was controlled by a human. Hate the game, not the player.

Let’s meet the contestants!

Todd Graham, Arizona State

Graham is not 5’6. This is the smallest possible height you can make a wrestler in WWE 2K15, and it’s my commentary on his chances of getting the job.

Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State

Sun-kissed skin, a fiery demeanor with a little flair -- he’s perfect for The Swamp.

Doc Holliday, Marshall

How many people can say they’ve won the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl AND the Military Bowl? That’s the kind of man for Florida.

Houston Nutt, wherever the wind takes him

Of course Houston Nutt is here. Houston Nutt is everywhere. He’s an omnipresent force in any coaching race, and he’ll be in this fight come hell or high-water, even if he isn’t invited.

Steve Spurrier, South Carolina

Bah Gawd! It’s him, it’s the Old Ball Coach! Does Spurrier want to return to Florida? Maybe, maybe not. But he heard there was a fight, and nothing keeps Hatin’ Ass Spurrier from a fight.

Mystery Stoops, Parts Unknown

Which Stoops? Bob? Mark? Other? Nobody knows. It’s part of the long con. If Mystery Stoops wins the job, he’ll reveal his identity at a later date, perhaps years from now.

As soon as the match begins, Spurrier makes a beeline for the weakest fighter, Graham. We’re five seconds in, and the game has become sentient.

Spurrier is all over the place. There’s no methodology to his fighting. It’s pretty much “hit whoever’s nearest to me every single damn time.” It leaves him open to revenge, and finally an opportunistic Holliday takes advantage.

Gundy is a punctuated assassin, vacillating from domination to being demolished. One second he’s nailing a drop kick, the next he’s on the verge of elimination. This is the theme of his fight.

After Holliday does all the work, Gundy swoops in to kick Graham out of the ring. This isn’t some grandiose drop kick. He pushes him out like a piece of human garbage. It’s rude as hell.

The four remaining fighters have a good back-and-forth for the next minute or so. Gundy and Holliday trade blows, while Nutt did work to Mystery Stoops.

Then Nutt calls for a timeout for no reason.

This leads to Nutt being eliminated a few seconds later, clearly shaken by his failed call. The triple threat match has begun.

While Nutt is still on the outside of the ring complaining about his elimination, Holliday and Stoops forge an unlikely alliance to get rid of Gundy. He returns to Oklahoma State with his pride, but not the Florida job.

Everything hangs in the balance. The Cowboy and the Luchadore vie to replace Muschamp. Seconds feel like minutes. After several near-eliminations ...

It happens.

Don’t be mad at the process. This is science.

If you’re so inclined to watch the whole fight, here you are.