32 terrible reasons not to draft anyone in the 2014 NFL Draft

When you’ve got your pick of the entire Draft class, you take a guy you know you can succeed with, and Bortles is hardly that sure thing. His stats were good but not gawdy, his arm is good but not great, his athleticism is good but not game-breaking.

All of this, of course pales in comparison to the real issue, which is his name is Blake Bortles. In the annals of football history, look at all the success the Bortleses of the world have enjoyed. AVOID.

If, as some have argued, Clowney played at 50 percent in college because he didn’t want to endanger his shot at NFL money, what happens after he gets that money?

What’s left to play for? Is he even going to play at all?

What if he retires as soon as he signs? What if he buys a golf course?

What if he buys a space shuttle?

What if he only flies the space shuttle on Sundays?

What if he can only blast the space shuttle off from the 50-yard line on Sundays? That’s a bad teammate! Avoid.

Dead ringers. Bridgewater is 33 years old. Avoid at all costs.

Watkins is said to suffer from Voice Immodulation Syndrome, according to anonymous scouts, and coaches may not want his droning voice carrying on during otherwise quiet moments. We can’t help but wonder if this is a side effect of several years of exposure to Dabo Swinney. Avoid.

Way too short.

Avoid.

Greg Robinson is one of the worst head coaches of the modern era of college football, and though he led a defensive resurgence at Texas in 2013, he is not what an NFL franchise needs. Avoid.

Might — might — have ties to the Luxembourgish mafia. We’re not saying he does, not saying he doesn’t, but any good scout should be asking questions. They’re small but powerful and have a dominating interest in semi-sweet chocolate, which is one of six shadow cogs in the world economy. Avoid.

Nice try, David Carr. Avoid.

Runs a 17-second 40-yard dash, according to a trusted source. All the other drills are normal, but you get the guy going in a straight line, and it’s like QWOP. Avoid.

Is believed to be a reporter named Ray who got roped into playing football as part of the Sports Illustrated Oklahoma State investigation. Now he can’t get out of the situation without blowing his cover. His family is getting worried. Avoid.

Sources with knowledge of the situation swear Clinton-Dix cheers for Joffrey in “Game of Thrones.” AVOID AVOID AVOID AVOID AVOID.

Though he was not directly implicated in the North Carolina academic fraud scandal, one anonymous scout claimed Ebron asked if Eric is spelled with an E or an A. Avoid.

One anonymous scout expressed concerns that Verrett’s speed only rates to a 92 in his highly scientific player metrics. And he’s only a 78 in “BTK,” which has something to do with breaking tackles. Well, why -- what? No, we’re not looking at “NCAA 14” ratings! I said AN ANONYMOUS SCOUT! Jeez! Anyway, definitely avoid this slowpoke.

Ealy cannot, must not be drafted by the Bears. There are tens if not hundreds of thousands of hipsters in Chicago who are falling all over themselves for the opportunity to make a KONY 2014 joke, to say nothing of the rump internet. Avoid at all costs.

We checked his entire Twitter feed going back to its inception in 2012, and he makes a grand total of zero references to the R&B classic “Return of the Mack.” I mean COME ON.

AVOID.

Several anonymous scouts are turned off by Roby’s alleged online presence, which is allegedly nothing but Buzzfeed “which [X] are you” quizzes. Based on Roby’s alleged answers, he is a Stegosaurus/Anton Chekhov/Julie “The Cat” Gaffney/Snoopy who belongs in the 1930s and should actually live in New Mexico. You know what we don’t see anywhere in there? Cornerback. Or person who should live in Dallas. Avoid.

One anonymous scout tells us Beckham said “True Detective” was “boring,” and he was more of a “Dexter” guy. Should not be drafted at any cost.

Allegedly indicated in Combine interviews with several anonymous scouts that his favorite band is Guster. Like, of all the bands out there, Guster? Guster’s like Christian coffee house rock but with Coldplay lyrics. Avoid.

Can’t get us Roseanne Barr’s autograph. Says they’re not even related. Avoid.

Nickname is “No Fly Zone,” but has virtually no defense capabilities against actual airplanes. Another boondoggle for the American military-industrial complex. Avoid.

One anonymous scout asked us, “Hasn’t this guy been drafted like three times already?” He told us he was a scout, anyway. Old Marty from the 7-11. Oh god, sorry, Marty — I mean, sorry, anonymous scout who works at the 7-11 also. Anyway, avoid Mosley, he might already be drafted.

Not the Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes,” as scouts figured out five questions into Combine interviews. So now nobody knows if that stuff really happened. Avoid.

Never trust a football player whose name is also a complete sentence. There’s only one such player in the Pro Football Hall of Fame (Cliff Battles), and Brandin Cooks is literally no Cliff Battles. Avoid.

Several scouts are worried that Shazier takes after his head coach at Ohio State, Urban Meyer, and is scared of the SEC. We said that doesn’t make any sense, and our anonymous scouts said we don’t make any sense. We might need new anonymous scouts to talk to. Still, avoid.

Played tackle for a large part of his college career, but size-wise is clearly more suited for guard at the next level. Sure, he was at tackle “because the team needed him there” or whatever, but don’t you think it’s kind of showing off to do that? Kind of a prima donna move? Avoid.

Might have a Carl Everett-type situation on our hands, as Martin allegedly indicated in Combine interviews that he does not believe in apples. It’s like dude, at least with Everett, he didn’t believe in dinosaurs because they had all died out, you can go to the produce section in any grocery store in America and see apples to eat right there, but he’s steadfast on this one. Avoid.

Nicknamed “Tiny” Richardson, but we checked, and you know what? He’s not tiny at all. Talking about 6’6, 328 pounds. That’s instant loss of locker room trust right there. Avoid.

Was coached by Lane Kiffin for multiple years. You know the last guys in the NFL to be coached by Lane Kiffin for multiple years? The 2007 and 2008 Oakland Raiders. They went 9-23 in those years, including 5-15 under Kiffin before he was fired. Are we saying Lee will carry Kiffin’s legacy of losing in the NFL with him? Yes. We are saying that. Avoid.

Calls himself “Irish Chocolate,” but is actually not made of chocolate at all, so there goes Easter.

You can’t really trust someone who willingly spends five years of his life in the arctic wasteland that is Minnesota. Yes, he’s from Minneapolis, but the moment someone offers you a chance to leave that frozen hellscape, you do it. Avoid.

Like Manziel, Donald’s primary weakness is his height.

That picture is 100 percent entirely true. Avoid.

The 12th man? More like 12th in the NFC next year. Avoid.

Basically, the lesson here is your team should not draft anybody. This is a very serious scouting report. Thank you.