Professional wrestlers as college football teams

We’re using only the rasslers featured on the WrestleMania 30 card, but please add your own in the comments below.

With contributions by Adam Jacobi, Bill Hanstock, Patrick Vint, and Steven Godfrey. Important artwork by James Dator.

Primary claim to fame: decades-old championship lineage.

+ Despised nationally.

+ So overrated that he’s underrated.

+ Poses like Jesus sometimes.

+ Golden and shiny.

= Notre Dame.

The fastest, but the goofiest nickname.

+ Corporatized insurgency.

+ Lacks championship size.

+ Beardy.

+ Hashtaggy.

+ Actual Pacific Northwesterner!

+ Always one fall away from a title shot.

= Oregon.

Wins all the time, obnoxiously so.

+ When he doesn’t win, just tries to have the rules changed.

+ Broke a bunch of rules in the ‘90s.

= Alabama.

Undefeated in April.

+ Doesn’t do much otherwise.

+ Frequently declared dead in the ‘90s.

+ Prefers not to retire.

+ Slow-ass fight song.

+ Television presence: lots of silence.

+ Strong.

= Texas.

Good at several different athletic endeavors, including football.

+ Dominated the early 2000s, but didn’t compete for much in 2012.

+ Once sacked Damon Huard.*

+ Actual Big Ten athlete!

+ Spoken for by a balding, talkative, affluent man with endless opinions and brilliant self-preservation skills.

+ Jimmy Johns.

+ Tattoos.

= Ohio State.

* In a 2004 NFL preseason game as a member of the Minnesota Vikings. Huard played against Ohio State as Washington’s quarterback in 1994 and 1995.

I’m-just-a-simple-fella gimmick.

+ Fans expect pity during two-year championship droughts.

+ Gaudy colors.

+ Used to rap.

+ Good at everything except football.

+ Jorts.

+ Fans mostly born in 1990 or so.

+ Was born up north.

= Florida.

Southern swamp cult.

+ The reigning microphone champion.

+ One maniac holding back a pack of other maniacs: the country’s best entrance.

+ Gains strange powers when the lights go down.

+ Actually played college football games in the state of Alabama!

= LSU.

Soldier motif.

+ Frequently in trouble.

+ Actual ACC football experience!

= Miami.

Big in the 1990s.

+ Sweatpants.

= Nebraska.

Has a big brother.

+ Gets more airtime than his big brother (at least on shows that everyone can watch).

+ Used to just be an ominous weirdo.

+ Now wears a suit.

= Texas A&M.

Haka.

+ Champions of a division that has nobody else in it.*

+ Products of a huge family.

= BYU.

* BYU is independent in football. The Usos are more or less the only legit tag team right now.

A tag team with no coherent identity at the moment (Michigan), so we’ll need to break it down into two separate parts (the Big East).

Looks like Steve Addazio.

= Boston College.

I don’t know who this is.

= Purdue.

Hilariously unstoppable when you were a kid.

+ Is all of a sudden back.

+ Family arrest spree, back in the day.

+ Red and yellow!

+ Remarkable hairline.

= Florida State.

There are also two gigantic mass brawls on the WrestleMania card, one for male wrestlers and one for female wrestlers. These involve way too many people being brought in to compete in the same time at the same place.

= Ole Miss, 2009.

Shows up for a few months and makes everyone change the channel.

= Mark May.