Last week, I was led astray.
MASCOT FIGHTS thinks Uga is in trouble against the Florida Gator, plus 6 other Week 9 picks
It’s been a rough year for Uga.
After four weeks of running MASCOT FIGHTS and four consecutive winning weeks where I made my readers untold fortunes, I let my ego get the better of me. After a ruthless cyberbullying assault by the Richmond Spiders' various disgusting tarantula mascots, I allowed myself to get personally invested in the fate of one of my mascot fights as opposed to being an impartial picker. This should never be about me. This should always be about imagining which mascot will win a fight and then saying that their respective college football team will win. I broke that line.
The result was a disastrous 1-6 week, my first ever losing week.
I sincerely apologize. I won’t let it happen again.
Now let’s get back to making you money.
(Disclaimer: SB Nation does not endorse mascots or animals fighting to the death. I bet you thought this would be a disclaimer about how we don't endorse gambling. Nah, we're fine with that. But the mascot death is only hypothetical.)
All times ET
Georgia Bulldogs vs. No. 11 Florida Gators (-2,) 3:30 p.m., CBS
oh, poor Uga
Pick: FLORIDA GATORS
No. 12 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-2.5) vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders, 3:30 p.m., ESPN
Something I’ve realized this year is that pretty much every Big 12 mascot is just a different guy with a gun.
Oklahoma State’s Pistol Pete is a dude wearing a comically oversized cowboy hat with outlandish facial hair and a gun:
Texas Tech’s Raider Red is a dude with a comically oversized cowboy hat with outlandish facial hair and a gun:
Oklahoma State is also represented by a very pretty horse:
Texas Tech is also represented by a very pretty horse:
Who to pick? Honestly, for me, it all comes down to one thing:
That’s right: TTU’s mascot sometimes has TWO guns. Pistol Pete might be able to draw quick, but I think double-wielding is a bigger advantage here.
Pick: TEXAS TECH RED RAIDERS
No. 15 Michigan Wolverines (-13.5) vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers, 7 p.m., ESPN
I don’t care what color those gophers are. They’re getting walloped by a ferocious wolverine.
Pick: MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
No. 8 Stanford Cardinal (-10.5) vs. Washington State Cougars, 10:30 p.m., ESPN
Ugh, this stupid tree. I just don’t think cougars can rip this tree down. The cougars will all grow old and die and the tree will still be there.
I love the Stanford tree mascot, but it’s a boring MASCOT FIGHT participant.
Pick: STANFORD CARDINAL
No. 9 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-11) vs. No. 21 Temple Owls, 8 p.m., ABC
A normal-sized pugnacious Irishman against an owl? Not much of a matchup. Owls are fearsome predators and have great big claws, but the biggest one is maybe 3 feet tall.
The little leprechaun individual portrayed in Notre Dame’s logo? That guy’s gonna struggle against most birds of prey. This is a night game, which you have to imagine is a huge advantage for the Owls.
But here’s the most important thing about this matchup: If Rocky and Rudy were forced to fight each other, Rocky would pound the life out of Rudy in less than a round.
Rocky got punched in the head a billion times by like seven different world boxing champions and kept fighting and winning. Rudy committed an offsides penalty to get an assisted sack against Georgia Tech’s backups and walk-ons. NOT EVEN CLOSE.
Pick: TEMPLE OWLS
Colorado Buffaloes vs. No. 24 UCLA Bruins (-23,) 3 p.m., Pac-12 Networks
Y’all ever play Oregon Trail? Every time you go hunting, you shot the buffalo, right? You could try shooting all the squirrels and birds or whatever and waste bullets trying to get three pounds of meat, or you could shoot the slow-moving enormous buffalo and let 700 pounds of meat rot because you could only bring 100 back to your wagon. It always made me wonder: How do these big stupid defenseless meat sacks even exist?
Well, because they scare off pretty much every other predator. Even bears. Watch videos of bears thinking it’s a good idea to feast on some baby buffalo and then seeing their 3,000-pound mom charging and making a business decision. It’s like when that tiny Kansas safety saw 400-pound LaQuan McGowan running at him. Wait for smaller prey.
Pick: COLORADO BUFFALOES
Nebraska Cornhuskers (-7.5) vs. Purdue Boilermakers, 12 p.m., ESPNU
Do I trust a dude who husks corn or a dude who makes boilers? Let’s check out what they look like:
AHHHHH AHHHH SHOOT THEM BOTH IN THEIR SOULLESS EYES AHHHH SHOOT THEM WITH GUNS NO WHY
yeesh
I think I trust the guy who works with hammers and metal over the guy who works with farm tools and corn? I don’t know.
Pick: PURDUE BOILERMAKERS
Photo credits: Ray Carlin, USA Today Sports; Nelson Chenault, USA Today Sports; Alonzo Adams, USA Today Sports; Michael C. Johnson, USA Today Sports
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