MASCOT FIGHTS: Ohio State is still a puny, easily destroyable nut (and 6 other Week 6 picks)

Perhaps you doubted the efficacy of Mascot Fights after my first week picking. Even though I went 5-2, you it figured was just a fluke. You couldn’t believe that what would’ve happened should the mascots of two teams in nationally prominent college football games happened to match what actually happened on field. It was luck, you thought.

Then Mascot Fights followed up its 5-2 start against the spread with a 6-1 tally in its second week. Once again, I am begging you to take my advice and make money. Ignore me if you hate being rich.

(Disclaimer: SB Nation does not endorse mascots or animals fighting to the death. I bet you thought this would be a disclaimer about how we don’t endorse gambling. Nah, we’re fine with that. But the mascot death is only hypothetical.)

This right here is our UPSET OF THE WEEK.

Against the vast majority of opponents, the Maryland Terrapin is screwed. Look at this poor guy:

The Terrapin is incredibly slow and its best fighting strategy is literally to stick its head inside a shell and pray for its enemy to go away. That said, it is vastly superior to Ohio State’s pathetic acorn. It can mash the nut with its big chompy jaws, it can crush the nut under its big stompy feet.

Pick: MARYLAND TERRAPINS

In size, this isn’t much of a mismatch. Wildcats and wolverines are both tiny lil forest guys.

In fighting ability, this is an enormous mismatch. The wolverine is a vicious carnivore noted for the tenacity with which it fights, while the wildcat is basically a tiny lil forest kitty cat. It is with great pain that I pick Michigan to not only win, but cover against my Northwestern Wildcats.

Pick: MICHIGAN WOLVERINES

To explain my pick for this matchup, let’s learn about the Bear Dance of the Ute tribe.

When the first thunder in the spring was heard, it was time for the Bear Dance...

The origin of the Ute Bear Dance relates the time when two brothers were out hunting in the mountains and as they became tired, they laid down to rest. One of the brothers noticed a bear standing upright facing a tree and seemed to be dancing and making a noise while clawing the tree... The one brother went on hunting while the other brother continued to observe the bear. The bear taught the young man to do the same dance and also taught the young man the song that went with the dance.

He told the young man to return to his people and teach them the dance and songs of the bear. The songs according to legends show respect for the spirit of the bear and the respect to the bear spirit makes one strong.

I’m not picking Cal because I want us to imagine a bear and a human fighting. I’m picking Cal because of this unique relationship between the Ute people and the bear. The Utes realized the significance of the bear: They respected it, they learned from it, they used the bear’s experiences and strengths to better themselves. The Utes understood the bear’s power, and it would be disrespectful to both the Ute people and the bears they draw strength from not to pick Cal.

Pick: CAL BEARS

This is perhaps my favorite mascot fight to imagine ever.

The roadrunner is a pretty harmless bird: It eats little flies, maybe a snake if it’s frisky. Even in the cartoons, it never causes physical harm to the Coyote: It just sprints and sprints and sprints and the Coyote does itself in.

The roadrunner is built for running. The English Bulldog is perhaps less built for running than any animal I have ever seen. This mascot fight would just be a speedy bird sprinting around while a big ol’ floppy puppy chases it until it gets tired. I have created an artist’s rendition of the fight:

Pick: UTSA ROADRUNNERS

Hurricanes have hit Florida for as long as Florida has existed, and they haven’t stopped the Seminoles from existing.

Pick: FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES

So, let’s see here, we’ve got the people who settled the Oklahoma territory, facing off against

a cow

which they presumably raised and bred and ate thousands of

How is this not the most lopsided rivalry in sports history

Pick: OKLAHOMA SOONERS

This right here is our MATCHUP OF THE WEEK.

A thing you quickly learn when your job is “picking mascot fights” is that sometimes if you google “(NAME OF ANIMAL) vs. (NAME OF ANIMAL),” you find numerous actual videos of those two animals fighting to the death. They’re very disturbing, and this is one of those cases! Anyway, I watch them so you don’t have to. Although there are no videos of alligators fighting tigers, since their ranges don’t intersect, there are instances of tigers fighting crocodiles. I will assume gator vs. tiger would end the same way.

The gator really has one shot at defeating the tiger: It’s gotta be hidden in the water, and make a sneak attack so damaging that the tiger can’t recover. If it can’t, the tiger is more mobile, faster, and aside from the gator’s intense bite strength, stronger. The tiger will outmaneuver the gator, avoiding any potentially devastating injuries, and eventually work its way to the gator’s soft, defenseless underbelly.

Pick: MISSOURI TIGERS