Alabama will never lose another football game ever again, and all hope is lost

1. Clemson. Was supposed to play Syracuse, but politely allowed LSU to practice on the Orange before the Bayou Bengals’ matchup with Arkansas.

Very nice of you, Clemson. Good to see big cats stick together.

Clemson did actually play this game, traveling to the other end of the seaboard to fight off a pesky, but undermanned Syracuse team. The Tigers won yet another game, 37-27, this time overcoming three turnovers and the creeping ennui of the Carrier Dome to keep their loss column clean.

1a. Kicking off from Kansas State’s 35 because of a thousand unsportsmanlike penalties

You should be able to take a field goal attempt off this.

2. Ohio State. Confused and terrified Illinois in a 28-3 defeat, to the point the Illini attempted the first play-action field goal ever. Ohio State’s entire season turned around when Urban Meyer decided to just give Ezekiel Elliott every carry possible, give whoever was at quarterback a few more carries, and do things like keep a robust two-to-one rush/pass ratio. Oh, Illinois also tried to block Joey Bosa with three linemen. (Tried.) Elliott is healthy, and therefore Ohio State is fine, just like it has been for the past month.

No one will ever come back against the Tide, ever. It’s 21-3 at halftime and there is no hope and I’m going ahead and writing this. There was that loss to Ole Miss for some reason and now there is only the drought, and the nuclear wasteland, and Alabama wandering through it smiling. Derrick Henry is 245 pounds and can outrun entire SEC defenses. Death is the only real undefeated team.

Alabama does not need water or sleep or hope like weak human flesh, nor even require a functioning quarterback. Don’t watch the Tide unless you like watching the football equivalent of famine, or are an Alabama fan, and these are the same things. They play Charleston Southern and Auburn to end the season, and then Florida in the SEC Championship. They are already basically in the Playoff. Give up hope forever. Give it up now.

4. Oklahoma State. Avoided the Dark Veil of Ames by outlasting Iowa State 35-31. The thing about a season is-

Psssssst.

Ahem. The thing about a season isn’t your margin of victory, and-

PSSSSSST. Hey there.

Oh hi there, Ghost of 2011 Brandon Weeden. What’s up?

Ames is a very tough place to play!. I should know. I lost there in 2011, when I was a young college student with dreams.

You were 28.

Yes. So young.

Wait, how can you be a ghost? You’re not dead.

I play for the 2015 Dallas Cowboys.

Point taken.

5. Iowa. A resounding, 40-35 victory over Minnesota. Iowa is 10-0 for the first time in program history. You have questions about how this happened. Well, buddy, you know what Iowans make a lot of? Sausage. Now I could show you what’s behind this door of the old sausage factory, or you could just enjoy this delicious plate of piggy flavor-gold without seeing what went into the grinder. You say you taste Iowa State in there? Why, that’s the same flavor that almost beat undefeated Oklahoma State this weekend! See? Iowa football: Quality ingredients for the people.

6. Notre Dame. Beat Wake Forest 28-7, and not too many people got hurt, which is the only possible goal one can have when playing Wake Forest. That’s it. That’s all anyone needs to say about this game before it disappears into the football memory hole forever.

For the sake of everyone, let’s let Wake Forest’s season disappear into a memory hole forever.

ONE LOSS TEAMS THAT NEED HELP OR MIRACLES OR HEAVY RUSSIAN-GRADE STEROIDS BUT MAY BE THEORETICALLY ALIVE FOR A PLAYOFF SPOT

Oklahoma. Beat Baylor, 44-34, and lost to Texas, 24-17. You know, back on Oct. 10, with the Texas loss thing. Oklahoma’s entire season is currently caught somewhere between those two games, since not even the great accomplishment of rattling Baylor at home can be mentioned without noting the disastrous loss to Texas. Baker Mayfield had three passing TDs and one rushing TD, making him officially as difficult to defend as Baylor’s out-of-conference scheduling.

Oh, if you wonder why Oklahoma’s down here? See FILE: RESULTS AGAINST TEXAS VS. POSSIBLE NOTRE DAME TEAM IN COMPETITION FOR SAME PLAYOFF SLOT.

North Carolina. Happily rolled derelict Miami into an even less well-appointed gutter than the gutter it previously occupied in a 59-21 debacling. The score was nowhere near as close as that indicates, and North Carolina has a scarily real chance of sneaking into the Playoff if it wins out and beats Clemson in the ACC Championship. JUST AS EVERYONE PREDICTED. (No one predicted this.)

Florida. Slogged its way to a 24-14 victory against South Carolina. Still technically alive thanks to a waiting berth in the SEC title game. The Gators will be ground into a useless plaster by Alabama, but life’s about the journey and not the smoldering heap of wreckage you leave on the way out.

Michigan State. The Spartans, too, are still theoretically alive after a 24-7 win over Maryland. The Big Ten’s virus team: You’re not sure whether it’s categorically alive or not, but you definitely don’t want to be too casual about ignoring its potential dangers.

TEAMS THAT ARE UNDEFEATED AND NAMED HOUSTON AND WHOSE AAC SCHEDULE DOESN’T REALLY PERMIT COMPETING IN A PLAYOFF BUT DOES ALLOW FOR SOME VICIOUS TWEET WARFARE AGAINST OTHER TEXAS SCHOOLS

Damn, Houston. Baylor’s body wasn’t even cold.