It’s the best week of the college football year: RIVALRY WEEK!
MASCOT FIGHTS proves most rivalry week matchups will be blowouts. Sorry, Ohio State
Some of these matchups between hated rivals will end poorly.
Jamie Sabau/Getty Images
It’s also, of course, the best week of the MASCOT FIGHT year. Rivalry week is about passion and hatred. Which makes it all the more satisfying when you tell one fan base their mascot would get absolutely obliterated in a matchup with their least favorite fan base.
Several of the rivalries in MASCOT FIGHTS are not even fit to be called rivalries. They are blowouts that no human should witness. Rivalry week MASCOT FIGHTS is a bloodbath.
After a 19-9 start, we’ve fallen to 33-30 on the year, but surely these blowouts will get us back on the right track.
(Disclaimer: SB Nation does not endorse mascots or animals fighting to the death. I bet you thought this would be a disclaimer about how we don't endorse gambling. Nah, we're fine with that. But the mascot death is only hypothetical.)
All times ET.
No. 20 Washington State Cougars vs. Washington Huskies (-7), Friday, 3:30 p.m., FOX
This is a good matchup of rugged outdoors creatures, a big cat and a big dog. Unfortunately for the pup, it’s a really huge cat that isn’t domesticated. Here is a YouTube video of a husky and a German Shepherd barking down a cougar, but I have a feeling that if the cougar really felt threatened and this was a one-on-one matchup, it’d be the Cougar. Sorry pups.
Pick: WASHINGTON STATE COUGARS
No. 7 Baylor Bears vs. No. 19 TCU Horned Frogs, Friday, 7:30 p.m., ESPN
A BEAR against A DANG FROG? I don’t care if the frog spits blood, or spits poison. It’d have to spit fire and bullets to even have a chance against a bear.
How is this even a rivalry?
Pick: BAYLOR BEARS
No. 8 Ohio State Buckeyes (-1) at No. 10 Michigan Wolverines, Saturday, 12 p.m., ABC
Let’s go over this one last time. A buckeye is a type of nut. A small, inanimate, nut. It is completely defenseless in almost every way. It is, as people point out every week, a modestly poisonous nut, but you’d have to eat a whole ton of them in order to die of buckeye poisoning. The only way the Buckeye can win any mascot fight is to have its opponent consume dozens or hundreds of buckeyes, which seems to me more like a buckeye massacre than a victory.
Meanwhile, the wolverine is a vicious woodland creature that kills animals many times its size.
How is this even a rivalry?
Pick: MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
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Another take on the battle.
MASCOT FIGHT CLUB!Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Michigan Football!
Posted by SB Nation College Football on Friday, November 27, 2015
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No. 2 Alabama Crimson Tide (-14.5) vs. Auburn Tigers, Saturday, 3:30 p.m., CBS
Tigers are OK swimmers, but against an actual tide? I think they’d struggle. And if we’re dealing with Alabama’s on-field mascot, the elephant, tigers can’t bring that down, either.
How is this even a rivalry?
Pick: ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE
No. 18 Ole Miss Rebels (-1) vs. No. 21 Mississippi State Bulldogs, 7:15 p.m., ESPN2
Humans win every matchup against bulldogs. We already won the matchup against bulldogs by breeding them into bulldogs. It’s over.
How is this even a rivalry?
Pick: OLE MISS REBELS
No. 6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. No. 9 Stanford Cardinal (-3.5,) Saturday, 7:30 p.m., FOX
The Cardinal is a tree, capable of outlasting most of the opponents that have faced it this year. But if the Fighting Irish get themselves an axe or a saw -- or heck, if they’re determined enough, even that shillelagh -- they can probably knock this tree down.
Pick: NOTRE DAME FIGHTING IRISH
No. 3 Oklahoma Sooners (-7) vs. No. 11 Oklahoma State Cowboys, Saturday, 8 p.m., ABC
BEDLAM is a close mascot matchup.The Cowboys are enterprising denizens of the Old West. The Sooners are... enterprising denizens of the Old West.
Here are the Sooners on the Sooner Schooner:
Photo credit: Kevin Jairaj, USA Today Sports
Here’s Oklahoma State’s Pistol Pete:
Photo credit: Ray Carlin, USA Today Sports
Sure, both could survive in the Old West, but there’s one key difference here. The Sooners have their covered wagon and their horses and whatever. But are they packing heat? Oklahoma State’s mascot is named PISTOL PETE. If Pistol Pete wants to take over the Schooner, he’s already dispatched of both riders by the time they reach back into the wagon for their rifle.
Pick: OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS
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