WE’RE BACK. After the first-ever losing week in MASCOT FIGHTS history, I was able to remain impartial as possible last week and sure enough, MASCOT FIGHTS went 4-3 to reach an excellent 24-18 against the spread on the year.
MASCOT FIGHTS, Week 10: Buckeyes have no hope against Gophers, and 6 more picks
You like large sums of money. We like pretending college football games are actual battles between mascots and using those battles to predict who will cover the spread.
(Disclaimer: SB Nation does not endorse mascots or animals fighting to the death. I bet you thought this would be a disclaimer about how we don’t endorse gambling. Nah, we’re fine with that. But the mascot death is only hypothetical.)
All times ET.
Cincinnati Bearcats @ No. 25 Houston Cougars (-8), 3:30 p.m., ESPN2
Let us never forget the mighty bearcat is a real animal.
Here is Lucy the Cincinnati Bearcat (although I prefer the more accurate, less confusing "binturong") pic.twitter.com/epKGuSXxUa
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger_sherman) March 8, 2015 It stays in trees and comes out at dusk and smells like popcorn. (No, really!)
The binturong is wonderful and silly and would get absolutely obliterated by most big cats, including the cougar. They mainly eat bugs and small mammals. Cougars could probably eat bearcats.
Pick: HOUSTON COUGARS
Minnesota Golden Gophers @ No. 3 Ohio State Buckeyes (-24), 8 p.m., ABC
Here is Minnesota’s mascot:
Here is Ohio State’s mascot:
HERE IS VIDEO FOOTAGE OF MINNESOTA’S MASCOT BRUTALLY MURDERING OHIO STATE’S MASCOT
Pick: MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS
Cal Golden Bears vs. Oregon Ducks (-4), 10:30 p.m., ESPN2
Bears don’t normally eat ducks. They have bigger fish to fry. Or bigger fish to maul, I guess. They like fish. But could they? Or would ducks fly away?
Anyway, I just watched a video of the Central Park Zoo’s polar bear mercilessly killing a mallard duck stupid enough to try swimming on the bear’s little pond. It wasn’t fun. I do these things for research.
Pick: CALIFORNIA GOLDEN BEARS
Wisconsin Badgers (-11) @ Maryland Terrapins, 3:30 p.m., BTN
Badgers are relentless predators. Turtles have strong jaws and can hide in impenetrable shells until predators go away.
Even with the terrapin’s enormous defensive abilities, I think I side with the vicious murdering skills of the badger. Eventually, that turtle’s gonna poke its head out, and then it’s game over.
Pick: WISCONSIN BADGERS
No. 16 Florida State Seminoles @ No. 1 Clemson Tigers (-10.5), 3:30 p.m., ABC
Tigers can eat people.
Pick: CLEMSON TIGERS
NO. 8 TCU Horned Frogs (-4.5) vs. No. 14 Oklahoma State Cowboys, 3:30 p.m., FOX
Frogs can’t eat people.
Pick: OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS
No. 4 LSU Tigers @ Alabama Crimson Tide (-7), 8 p.m., CBS
I’ve struggled all year with characterizing the Crimson Tide. Red water? An elephant?
But again, I’m sorry to say I don’t think the tiger would win. It’s almost impossible for one tiger to bring down one elephant. And any tide could sweep away a single tiger. Basically, unless Alabama plays Navy, I’m worried nobody can stop Bama.
Pick: ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE
Non-mascot picks!
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