Florida plays Texas A&M on Saturday. This is how the Gators are dressing up:
The Florida Gators are dressing up like actual gators. Everyone hates it so much, UF clarified that they’re only doing it once
Nope. Nope. Nope.
They’re trying to be actual alligators. Let me tell you something about actual alligators: They are scary. I don’t like looking at them, nor do I like looking at crocodiles or Komodo dragons or large snakes or, really, any kind of dangerous reptile. They are killers, and they all have the look of killers in their eyes. They terrify me.
And Florida’s not even wearing green! UF has taken one of most petrifying animals in the world and attempted to emulate it in the most petrifying way. (Florida says these are “Swamp Green,” to which I say: That is not green.)
A closer look at the top part of the ensemble:
And the bottom part, which kind of resembles reptilian feet and is thus somehow more off-putting than the stuff above it:
Florida has a great uniform. Why is it not just wearing that one?
I mean this sincerely: These uniforms, aside from “stray(ing) from (Florida’s) traditional Orange and Blue look that is synonymous with its storied program” in a way that literally no one I know of was asking for, also rank among the worst alternate uniforms I’ve ever seen, regardless of sport, team, or league. The “swamp green” is an olive/gray color that looks like amateurish jungle camouflage. The helmet has the Gator Head on it — for the first time ever — but doesn’t have Florida’s customary logo, but an alternate one with more black. The cleats and shoes look like Nikes made for mudding, which is a misread of at least one and maybe two major constituencies of Florida fans.
Nothing about this strikes me as cool. Nothing about this seems like it actually honors the naming of The Swamp. No part of me wants to buy any of the products Nike and Florida are trying to sell. Only a very, very small part of me thinks that Florida’s players actually think this color scheme — which, based on the pictures we’ve seen, suggests an alligator is apparently smoke gray, not dark green — is dope.
To date, Florida has lost badly to Michigan, lost dumbly to LSU, beaten Vanderbilt convincingly, narrowly avoided blowing a lead against Tennessee, and even more narrowly avoided the end of the win streak against Kentucky. The Gators face a Texas A&M team that was competitive against Alabama and would prefer that you not dig into those other games. They were sent to Archives Subbasement G, and you do not have the security clearance required to access Archives Subbasement G.
Florida probably won’t win the East this year, which is fine. Florida almost certainly won’t be catastrophically bad either, which is also fine. This season is neither Florida’s wedding day nor Florida passing out in its own prime rib vomit at someone else’s wedding. This season is just a sick day. Can we not let Florida just stay home, not shower, eat a bunch of cereal, and download workout apps it’ll never use for more than a week? BY THIS TIME IN FOUR MONTHS FLORIDA WILL DO A HUNDRED PUSHUPS!
Nope. Just haaaaad to break out the Island of Dr. Moreau Pro Combats and get roasted on the timeline. Wonderful.
The Gators have been widely panned on the internet since releasing these things. They’ve attempted to set the record straight, or something, by assuring the public that they’ll only wear them once:
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