Lincoln Riley’s USC contract might be the greatest in sports history

Update: There are questions over the veracity of the details of Riley’s contract. The claim about USC buying his houses has been refuted.

I didn’t think there would ever be a time I found someone who beat Bobby Bonilla for the greatest contract in sports, but here we are. Oklahoma fans are really going through it with Lincoln Riley bailing for Southern California, and bless their hearts, but my God, did Lincoln put USC through the ringer on his way out the door.

Feast your eyes on this.

Yes, we don’t know for sure that this is Riley’s contract, but I need to move forward under the assumption that his genius knows no bounds, and this is how it was all structured. So, first, the money — obviously it’s ridiculous. We don’t know the length of the deal, but it’s safe to assume Riley will eclipse they $9.7 million per year that Nick Saban makes at Alabama.

Immediately out of the gate he’s the highest paid coach in college football. This might be enough for some people, but not Lincoln Riley my dear friends — not at all. The beauty is that Riley ensured his transition from Oklahoma is easy as possible for everyone involved.

USC is buying his houses at a damn markup, because of course they are, and that means the Riley family doesn’t need to mess around trying to sell their property, which is a sucky experience. You know what else is annoying? Finding a new home. No matter, USC is buying that for him too — and it’s SIX MILLION DOLLARS.

Then there’s that final point, which the family should abuse the hell out of non-stop. Having 24/7 access to a private jet basically means every family vacation is stress-free, requires almost no organization, and can be arranged at the drop of a hat. Simply beautiful. I don’t care if I’m being paid $110M, I’m having my family fly everywhere, all the time, just for the fun of it.

Heck, I’m using my prodigious salary to hire some long-lost cousin named Ted to become my airborne Doordash. Say I’m feeling like a good pizza, which let’s be fair, isn’t easy to find in L.A. No matter, I’m sending my cousin to New York to buy a pie, and bring it home for dinner. Fresh sushi? Down to San Diego you go, random cousin. Oh man, I feel like some gumbo — plane awaits, Ted, you’re heading to New Orleans.

What Riley has done is not only taken USC to the cleaners financially, but made his entire life as wonderful as possible on the way. I’m obsessed with this contract.