I Believe

I believe that nothing happens for a reason. I believe that leaf-blowers should be outlawed by decent people everywhere. I believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, but not the Easter Bunny. I believe strikeouts are fascistic tools of suppression. I believe that Jennifer Connelly is the most second most beautiful woman on the planet. I believe that sports teams assume mantles of goodwill and civic responsibility they have not nearly earned. I believe that baseball scouts really are the soul of the game. I believe that ballparks are now getting progressively worse, and that I might not live long enough to see them get better. I believe the man who created Two and a Half Men owes a heavy debt to society. I believe that Louis C.K. will, before he’s finished, say nearly everything that needs saying. I believe that laughter might well be the best medicine, but a big friendly Golden Retriever is closing fast. I believe in fewer words, but more thoughts. I believe we’re not nearly as smart as our favorite politicians tell us we are. Yes, I believe that Oswald acted alone. I believe that wearing colored jerseys with white pants should be outlawed. I believe we should spend as much time worrying about our poor and hungry children as we spend worrying about our wildly privileged middle class. I believe we should consider teaching our kids more about life than about throwing balls and slapping pucks. I believe we’re actually going to miss Bud Selig, just a little, when he’s gone.