Alex Rodriguez, Randy Levine exchange e-mails

Alex Rodriguez is a highly paid star for the New York Yankees. Randy Levine is the president of the New York Yankees. Okay, I suppose it makes sense that they e-mail each other informally.

You are not prepared for just how silly these e-mails are, though. I’m assuming Levine wears a suit every single day that’s worth more than my entire wardrobe, including my vintage Queensrÿche concert t-shirt. Yet he’s incapable of typing the word “you”, which makes his e-mails read like Prince lyrics.

Here are the most cringeworthy snippets from said e-mails:

Levine: Hey, tough game, I’m worried about your health, u sure u r ok? You look to me like you’re a little off. If just a slump, you will come out, but if more, let me know.

Oh, man, this would irritate me if I were a player. How’s the knee? Because you look like crap. Seriously, the knee’s okay?

Levine: Ouch. Feel better (after a hit-by-pitch).
Rodriguez: Can’t hurt me.
Levine: It hurt me watching.
Rodriguez: HA!

A-Rod types all-caps HAs.

Levine: When u succeed it will be Yankees lore. There is nothing more powerful than that. I am here to support u. Tell us what u need.

There is nothing more powerful than Yankees lore. Man, now that’s a power-metal song. Forget the Queensrÿche shirt and the Prince lyrics, let’s get Manowar on this right away. There is nothing more powerful than Yankees lore. Tell us what u need. Tell us what u need. More! More! Yankees lore! There is nothing more powerful than Yankees lore. Tell us what u need. Tell us what u need. More! More! Yankees lore!

Levine: How r u feeing since u left Robby [Cano] under 200, he needs some steroids fast!

Oh. Totally appropriate! Also, hilarious. Man, if I had to cut out the “This player is slumping. He needs steroids!” jokes from McCovey Chronicles, I’d lose 1,500 words a week.

Levine: Hey, what’s up with Robby. This guy must not be using the liquid. U didn’t tell me what did Chris and Steve say your ETA is. Don’t rush it unless u r right. We need you. Nova looks like he may need a breather. What do u see.Again, that’s a real e-mail from a president of the most successful North American sports franchise in history.

Let’s skip ahead a few months. To August, 2013, we go!

Levine: I received your email, the contents of which are a complete shock to me. As I have repeatedly told you, this is an MLB investigation. We had no role in initiating the investigation or assisting in the direction of the investigation. Despite your continued false accusations (which you know are false) we have acted consistently. My focus and direction, as well as that of the entire Yankees organization, has been, and continues to be, to treat you in the same manner as we do all of our players, to have you healthy and ready to play as soon as possible. Good luck.

wait where did the prince lyrics go

The whole thing is fascinating. Click through. Be rewarded. These are e-mails from A-Rod to the Yankees’ team president and vice versa. They’re amazing.