The Alex Rodriguez Tutorial on Proper Sunflower Seed Procurement, Removal, and Mastication

Everyone has hot takes about Alex Rodriguez, supervillain. I have hot takes too, but they need to cool off just a bit. Until then, please enjoy the Alex Rodriguez Tutorial on Proper Sunflower Seed Procurement, Removal, and Mastication because it’s important.

Do you realize what you’re trying to do? If everything goes right, you’re going to use your teeth and tongue to procure a teeny-tiny seed from an inedible husk. You weren’t made for this. Your simian ancestors did not need this skill to pass their genes on. We do it because we can, not because we have to.

But that means you have to focus, dammit, focus.

Swish the sunflower seeds in your mouth for a bit, humming a mantra to keep you calm and relaxed. Rodriguez suggests “Hrmmmmurrrrr hurrrrrrrrrr”, but you can also use “Hrmmmmurrrrr hurrrrrrrrrrrrrr” or “Hrmmmmurrrrrrrrrr hurrrrrrrrrr.”

This is where you just stick your tongue out with sunflower seeds on it and hold this face for a few minutes. If everything goes well, a passing bird will fly by and remove the offending seed shrapnel, possibly for a nest or something.

If no bird comes by, you’ll have to improvise. Forcefully eject the seeds by spitting them or, even better, let them slowly dribble off your chin.

If you can do these steps, congratulations! You have a delicious sunflower seed. But there are thousands more where that came from. Start over with step one, and enjoy!