The Astros are holding a Ladies Night, ladies!

Hellllloooooo, ladies! Wondering what your man is doing down there in his mancave when the big game is going on? Wish you could rub elbows with the fellas, possibly after color-coordinating your shoes with the away jersey of your fav team?

The Astros have you covered. This Friday night is Ladies Night! And, oh, what a night!

Astros Ladies Night, presented by State Farm, is a women-only event that allows our female fans to get the inside scoop on the Astros and meet some of the staff and players

Okay. I guess that’s not …

The event starts at 4:00 pm with a ‘Baseball 101’ talk, followed by a happy hour event themed ‘Diamond, Bling and Glittery Things’ with music, specialty drinks, exclusive Ladies Night gift courtesy of State Farm, group photos with Astros players, and complimentary beauty treatments.

Oh.

Let’s open the floor to some questions.

Q. Is it true that prolonged exposure to the Astros is, like, bad for my skin?
Yes. Watching the Astros attempt to play baseball for too long can cause what’s known as zimmertitis in which radiation warps your skin and makes you look exactly like Don Zimmer. Here are some season-ticket holders who did not wear proper protection during the 2012 season:

But that was over a full season! You’ll barely be exposed for three hours at Ladies Night, so you won’t have to worry about your skin, and you can be back at home in your pajamas before Grey’s Anatomy starts!

Q. Okay, so, how much of that ‘Baseball 101’ talk is going to be about butts?
Literally all of it.

Q. Sweet. So are there any cute Astros with cute butts?
Unfortunately every current Astro looks like Don Zimmer now because of the reasons discussed above. Their butts remain unaffected, though, so you can take your chances.

Q. So, when you guys waved Nate Freiman in March, was it because you considered him to be a longshot to stick on the 25-man roster? If so, was that because you didn’t trust the relative success of a 25-year-old in the Texas League?
Ha ha, that’s an interesting question, young lady! See, if you think of home runs as “calories” and the Texas League as “thighs,” you can … wait, no, home runs would be “carbs” … wait … gimme a second …