And now, 33 short reviews of national delegations and their clothes.
Thirty Three Short Reviews Of Olympic Delegations
Cameroon: Our outfits are a traditional print called “to hell with your television.”
Canada: “WE DID THIS AT THE LAST MINUTE GUYS SO SEW-REE ABOOT THAT.”
Cayman Islands: Five blue jackets, $500 billion offshore dollars in each.
Chad: Sadly, not one lonely man named Chad from Alabama, Mississippi or anywhere else where guys just get named Chad for some reason.
China: Not one athlete smoking while entering, totally fake, come on sheeple.
Congo: Costas: "And this is the delegation from Congo, the [reads CIA Factbook country summary] [hangs self]"
Costa Rica: “We have a passion for beig.”
Croatia: “You try and match something with checkerboard, jerk.”
Czech Republic: “Galoshes were on sale, y’all.”
DPRK: “[Eyes unguarded exits]”
Democratic Republic of Congo: [Bob Costas kills self twice]
Djibouti: There's a woman wearing a gold veil, which is the ballingest form of visual impairment ever.
Ecuador: Just there to represent the hell out of the Prime Meridian’s eternal rival.
Estonia: Appeared to be microwavable jackets you can also use to cook vegetables.
Fiji: SHIRTLESS! A NATION OF TROPICAL MCCONAUGHEYS!
Finland: Jackets patterned after the preferred music of the nation, endless white static.
Former Yugoslav Republic of WHATEVER YOU READ IT FOR YOURSELF:
France: Sadly, no William the Conqueror references on their clothing.
Georgia: Outfitted in cheap mafia surplus.
Germany: Jackets are made of delicious fruit roll-up.
Hungary: Outfits indicate country is the Mexico of Eastern Europe. Goulash fiesta for all!
Independent Olympians: Notre Dame, stop it what are you doing there...
India: Ain’t lying. I’d wear a turban every day if I could just to avoid messing with my hair. #realtalk
Iraq: In ill-fitting tracksuits, just like the dude who owns the Dunkin’ Donuts in your neighborhood.
Israel: Shaving the Star of David into the side of your head? That kind of enthusiasm makes you eligible for SEC membership, Israel.
Italy: Couldn’t see outfits, writhing on ground begging for yellow card.
Jamaica: Your ladies wear yellow print and your abbreviation is JAM, WHY DON’T I LIVE THERE?!
Kazakhstan: Flag-bearer bore strong resemblance to evil Power Rangers Megazord.
I approve with extreme enthusiasm.
Kiribati: Wearing old CBA warmups, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
South Korea: Slim tie and tiny hats tell me Tommy Hilfiger still makes a metric buttload of money in your fine nation.
Luxembourg: A shoo-in for a gold in “banking.”
Malawi: Bob Costas called it “the warm heart of Africa.” No country is referred to as “the cold heart of Africa,” but that’s definitely Somalia.
Marshall Islands: “That’s some crap, four athletes ain’t close to a thundering herd.”
/fin
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