Wednesday night a guy wearing very few clothes ran onto the field during the NL Wild Card game between the Pirates and the Giants. This led to me trying to find pictures of him in SB Nation’s photo tool. This led to me not only finding pictures of the Pittsburgh streaker, but also a variety of other people in various states of undress running onto the field at sporting events across the globe.
3 things we learned from looking at 161 pictures of streakers
Idiots run on fields naked across the globe. By looking at pictures of them, we have learned three universal truths. (We have censored all wieners, boobs, and hoo-has from the pictures in this post, but you still might not want to look at it at work.)
Although our site strives to be somewhat safe for work, the photos loaded into our tool by Getty Images and USA Today Sports feature a variety of dicks, butts, and boobs. After meticulously surveying all 161 pictures labeled with “streaker,” here is what I have learned.
1. American streakers are less brazen (or our photographers are more prude)
Here is our friend from Pittsburgh:
Photo credit: Justin K. Aller, Getty Images
He’s removed his shoes and shirt, but stuck with his Hanes-brand briefs.
Here is another American streaker, from the 2013 President’s Cup:
Photo credit: Gregory Shamus, Getty Images
This lady, although she is streaking, is not naked by any legal definition. She has covered up her nipples (which for some reason are considered indecent, even though they are not a sex organ) and other images of her reveal that she is wearing underwear. If she were arrested, “indecent exposure” would not be a crime she was arrested for.
Of the 161 pictures labeled “streaker” in our tool, zero are of nude American streakers.
There are whole bunches of pictures of European, Australian, and South American streakers:
This one is from the annual State of Origin game between Queensland and New South Wales:
Photo credit: Matt King, Getty Images
This guy’s in Hannover, Germany:
Photo credit: Ronny Hartmann, Getty Images
Girls too -- this one’s in New Zealand:
Photo credit: Hannah Peters, Getty Images
This could mean one of two things:
1. America, long a leader in drunken idiocy, has fallen off. We’ve let the rest of the world catch up to us and surpass us, and now they’re running naked all over the place while we keep our tighty-whiteys on.
2. American streakers are about as naked as foreign streakers, but photographers are less likely to take pictures of their nudity or publish the photos they took of naked people.
We’re not sure which it is, but we need to step our game up.
2. Athletes are perpetually perplexed by streakers
“What should we do?”
“I guess we have to stop playing, we can’t play if there’s a random guy running around.”
What should we do until he stops running?”
“stare I guess”
Photo credit: Jeff Curry, US Presswire
Photo credit: Hannah Johnston, Getty Images
Photo credit: Laurence Griffiths, Getty Images
No matter the country, no matter the sport, athlete reaction to a streaker is universal. Gawk. Actually helping security take the runner down would risk injury and they’d have to touch a near-naked person. But why would you look away when there’s insanity happening mere feet from you?
Photo credit: Scott Heavey, Getty Images
Photo credit: Brad White, Getty Images
3. Dicks do funny things when guys do cartwheels
I would guess that the vast majority of cartwheels performed in the world are performed by people wearing clothes. I personally have never seen somebody do a naked cartwheel, although perhaps I’m living a sheltered life while everybody else does fun sexy gymnastics without telling me.
However, thanks to our photo tool, I have now seen what happens when guys do naked cartwheels. It isn’t pretty. The floppy appendage hanging between dudes’ legs goes a bit haywire when the guy decides to do a quick 360. Centripetal force takes over, causing it to violently flop into directions it normally doesn’t go. It’s like when you hold a magnet over a compass, throwing it out of whack, the needle has balls attached:
I think this picture should win a Pulitzer -- Glen Johnson's head is beautifully framed (Uncensored photo here):
Photo credit: Michael Steele, Getty Images.
This picture contains a flying scrotum (Uncensored photo here):
Photo credit: Alex Grimm, Getty Images.
This isn't a cartwheel, but still teaches us a lesson about centripetal force (Uncensored photo here):
This is what we have learned looking at 161 photos of idiots on fields with no clothing. Now if you don’t mind I have to go gouge my eyes out.
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