Build your own fast food Thanksgiving feast

Traffic is a hassle. Spending six hours cooking a turkey is a pain. You’re probably not John Rockefeller, so you probably don’t have the scratch to drop on one of those fancypants Marie Callender’s catering deals.

Luckily, thanks to the magic of fast food, it can be fun, fast and easy to assemble an approximation of a bountiful Thanksgiving feast of your very own. And no cheating and going to pick up a bucket of chicken and mashed potatoes from KFC, either. It’s time to get creative.

1. The one side dish that everyone can agree on is mashed potatoes, but again, we’re not just going to KFC and picking up a tub (although that would be awesome to do basically any other day of the year). The non-Thanksgiving equivalent of mashed potatoes is French fries, so go to whatever fast food place has your favorite fast food fries and get a couple orders. (NOTE: You may want to do this step last, depending on how you feel about freshness/hotness of fries.)

2. Just as important as the potatoes is the gravy, so really try to get all of your favorite condiments everywhere you go. BBQ sauce? Del Scorcho sauce packets? Sweet and sour? LOAD EM UP. Then PUT EM ON EVERYTHING. (NOTE: Some places may try to charge you a pittance of money for these “extra” packets. I suggest you try hitting them with a pleading, “C’mon, man, it’s Thanksgiving.” If that doesn’t work, don’t be proud; pay up.)

3. Sadly, there isn’t really a fast food equivalent to stuffing, but I’m about to make your day with something here. DID YOU KNOW that if you go into a Long John Silver’s -- If you happen to live near a Long John Silver’s, that is -- and ask for “extra crunchies,” they’ll give you a box of hush puppy and fried-fish crumbs? They’ll just GIVE it to you! For free! Can you imagine? Free food leavings! What a country.

4. Every Thanksgiving feast needs rolls. Wing Stop happens to sell yeast rolls that are pretty great, but I can’t vouch for there being a Wing Stop wherever you happen to live. What I can vouch for is there being a Subway every 50 feet, everywhere. So head on over to a Subway and see if you can just buy your favorite bread, straight-up. If that doesn’t work, order a $5 footlong and tell them “hold the stuff.” (BACKUP PLAN: Get biscuits from KFC or Popeyes. I’m not made of stone.)

5. Sweet potatoes or sweet potato casserole is on the table when a lot of people imagine a traditional Thanksgiving feast. I’m going to recommend the Taco Bell spicy potato taco, because it has tacos and it’s vaguely pink. If that sounds gross to you, sweet potato casserole does, too. That’s okay; more for me. If you need marshmallows on top ... I dunno, go get a frappuccino, or something.

6. To approximate green bean casserole, there are several worthwhile options. Carl’s Jr./Hardees offers fried zucchini. Many fast food places offer fried jalapeño poppers. Pick up one of those and pair it with an order of onion rings. To really simulate the texture of green bean casserole, feel free to dump your choice of ingredients in a bowl with a couple inches of water and microwave it for like 30 seconds.

7. Cranberries shall be considered the WILD CARD ITEM. Feel free to replace cranberries with literally anything you might enjoy. (So anything that doesn’t contain cranberries, in other words.)

8. And now we get to the meat of the matter. In order to approximate turkey, the centerpiece of most Thanksgiving meals, I recommend ordering four of whatever is the largest thing on the menu. This could be a Crunchwrap Supreme, a Six Dollar Burger, a Douple Whopper, a Double Quarter Pounder, a 20-piece Chicken McNuggets, a Chipotle quesarrito, whatever you want. It’s YOUR feast. When in doubt, go with whatever would make you sleepiest.

9. Some people don’t go for turkey or don’t go for just turkey, so if ham is what you crave, we have some great news: it’s McRib season. ORDER SIX MCRIBS. No one will judge you on today, of all days. They’ll just give you a knowing nod and then silently whisper, “Hero.”

10. And for the vegetarians, just do what sets your heart free.

11. McDonald’s makes pumpkin pie versions of their little apple pie Hot Pocket dealies, so this is pretty simple. Go ahead and pick yourself up a couple of the apple ones, too. You’ve earned it. If you want to get fancy, take either of these types of McDonald’s pies down to any Cold Stone Creamery and demand they fold it into some ice cream while the pastries are still warm. They’ll probably appreciate that.

12. Then put a dollar in the tip jar, a dime at a time, because they’re required by corporate to sing a tip-based parody song every time they get a tip. Eat your ice cream and stare at them while you keep dropping in dimes. It’s Thanksgiving.