‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ is full of sports

1. It has a soccer robot.

If that’s a Brazuca it’ll never go anywhere in a straight line, but if it isn’t an official Adidas ball it’ll be vaporized by FIFA stormtroopers in a matter of seconds, anyway. Definitely sport-ish, though, especially since J.J. Abrams movies already look like overly long Nike World Cup ads.

2. It has racing.

There’s no reason whatsoever to fly X-Wings just a few feet off the surface of a lake besides “it looks cool as hell,” and maybe “there’s a NASCAR race they’re about to fly over, and this is their cool approach shot for the boys in the broadcast truck.” Look close enough and you’ll see a Bass Pro Shops sticker somewhere on one of those X-Wings. The Rebellion doesn’t pay for itself, which is why pilots shout out sponsors after shooting down TIE fighters.

3. Giving nerds what they want is a sport. You think this isn’t? Ohhhhh, just wait and see how real a sport it’ll be. The entire purpose of this reboot will be to avenge the three leaden George Lucas prequels by doing what each of those refused to do: give longtime fans precisely what they wanted to see. Jar Jar Binks will be absent, or possibly destroyed in the first 30 seconds of the film. Lightsabers will have 500 different blades; the more evil the character, the more unnecessarily complex the blade will be. You want the antiseptic CGI universe of The Phantom Menace gone? Nothing in this trailer looks like it’s been washed EVER, including that dirty little bootleg soccer robot. You want none of the long-winded, soulless dialogue of the Lucas films? BOOM. J.J. Abrams might not even let people use conjunctions before being attacked by dirty-helmeted stormtroopers. Make no mistake: this is a sport, and he’s gonna win right down to the last lens-flare.

[/woooooosh]

[/lens flare]