The Great USA-Canada war of 2014: EVERYTHING is on the line in men’s hockey

Relationships between the United States and Canada have never been more tense, besides those times that we fought over the 54’40 line and and the times we disagree over logging rights in the Pacific Northwest, and other stupid things like that. Because OLYMPICS.

First, America beat Canada in twizzling, and Canada assumed it was fixed. Then, Thursday, the US women’s hockey team had a 2-0 lead on Canada in the gold medal game, and lost a heartbreaker in overtime. NO, SERIOUSLY, A HEARTBREAKER.

And now, the reckoning: Friday’s semifinal game between America and Canada in men’s hockey. We got pretty pumped about that women’s hockey game, but both countries will be 30 to 800 times more hype about tomorrow’s game.

Canada and America have this fascinating relationship: We’re “friendly neighbors:” So, so, so alike, in so many ways. Except Canadians are always like, 10 percent different, and always in a way that flusters my brain.

Like we generally speak the same language, with pretty similar accents and expressions, except for a few unique expressions and that part of their country that speaks French. We like the same sports, except Canada’s hockey meter is turned up to 14, and their football field is 110 yards long and has three downs and is just generally confusing. A Canadian supermarket is pretty normal, except THE MILK COMES IN BAGS, BECAUSE CANADIAN PEOPLE ARE WEIRD INSANE WEIRDOS THAT I CAN’T POSSIBLY COMPREHEND.

The truth is, there’s no such thing as a friendly neighbor. You’re right there. I’m right here. In my head, I will look down on you in every way I consider you to be worse, and strive to be better in every way I consider you to be better.

Every way that Canada is slightly different from America is little more than a quirk, generally trivial things. But each one of those quirks seems like a direct affront to everything about the way I live my life. HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THE LOGISTICS OF MILK?!?!?! IT’S A LIQUID FOR CHRISSAKE! WHY THE HELL SHOULD IT COME IN A BAG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

My point is, Canada is so much like America, except there is no doubt in my mind that Canada is slightly and incontrovertibly worse in every way it is different.

And right now, Canada and America are at their crossroadsiest crossroads of all time. We’ll never actually go to war, because we’re “friendly neighbors.” Tomorrow IS our war.

And ALL the chips are down.

(Shout-outs to the Command Transportation sign on the I-94 in Skokie, west of Chicago. It’s often funny.)

(Nickelback/Celine Dion/Avril Lavigne are not on the table. They aren’t American enough and we also have our share of bad music. Like I said they’re only slightly different.)

Post-game Update: WAIT WE NEVER AGREED TO THE BET NOOOOOOO: