Head bursts from Abraham Lincoln’s chest following vicious attack

With a heavy heart we have some sad news from the nation’s capital courtesy of Federal Baseball, Abraham Lincoln is dead.

Abe was viciously clothes-lined by George Washington and Thomas Jefferson during his daily jog and fell with such force that a second head protruded from his chest. Sources close to the situation indicate that William Howard Taft is suspected of orchestrating the attack, with local police investigating an incriminating tweet sent shortly after the event.

We will have more on this breaking story as it happens. Our crack team of video analysts have created a dramatic interpretation of the attack.

h/t DC Sports Bog