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Ranking Kentucky Derby horses based on Twitter accounts

In spite of the fact that horses cannot use Twitter, multiple Kentucky Derby horses have Twitter accounts. Surely, you should use them as your betting guide.

by Rodger Sherman

Saturday is the 2014 Kentucky Derby. 2014 is a year where most people, companies, and other entities have social media accounts. The Kentucky Derby is a horse race. Hence, several of the horses in the Kentucky Derby have Twitter.

We understand WHY these horses have Twitter — we get how #BRANDS work — but still want to point out that it’s funny that they do.

Horses, of course, cannot use Twitter. Even if they possessed the ability to think in something resembling human language, they could not use Twitter. No part of their body -- not the hooves, not the snout, not even the tongue -- could press a keyboard finely enough to select a letter. They do not possess vocal chords capable of human language, and thus a speech-to-text app would not work. Perhaps they could use some form of system that tracks eye movement to type, but we’d have to build one different than the one we have for humans because horses have eyes on separate sides of their head, but we shouldn’t do this because they are horses and cannot read.

Long story short: Horses. Cannot. Use. Twitter. (Of course, there’s a counterpoint:)

It is now our turn to rank Horse Twitters. Some of them are actually written from the POV of the horse -- “I’m a horse, and I’m doing a horse thing!” Some are merely accounts run by the horse owners or handlers -- “Our horse is doing horse things!” And some aren’t actually Horse Twitters at all, but are just Twitter accounts with the same name as a horse. These are the worst.

(Kentucky Derby odds from Thursday morning)

1. California Chrome, 5-2

The favorite in the race also has the best Twitter. I like imagining a horse coming up with jokes:

Silly horse! You gotta admit it’s at least blueish, so far as grass goes, horsie!

Or live-tweeting:

Draw_medium

We wonder if it will ruin the plausible deniability by sending out Tweets during the Kentucky Derby while California Chrome is on camera, clearly not holding a phone.

The one downside to this active Twitter horse is that it wants to have a hashtag:

No. 2: Dance With Fate, 20-1

This horse has somehow figured out how to take selfies:

I can't figure out the logistics -- once again, hooves -- but he's got it down to an art:

Maybe what those old people say about the SOCIAL MEDIA ERA turning everybody into narcissists is right. Even damn horses can’t stop taking selfies.

3. Wicked Strong, 8-1

Yo this horse is a creeper:

What I like about this horse is that it's HUGELY vain about how many followers it has:

And it gets jealous:

Which just makes it 99.9 percent of Twitter users.

Important, though:

4. Hoppertunity (scratched)

This horse is no longer in the race. That means we got a “sad athlete tweet”from a horse:

This horse also checks the web to see what the media are saying about him (gotta watch out for HATERZ)

5. Intense Holiday, 12-1

This is Intense Holiday’s only tweet thus far:

WE'RE STAYING TUNED

6 Ride On Curlin, 15-1

You might think this is run by an eager horse:

With an entrepreneurial bent:

But it is actually very clearly run by Not A Horse:

LOOK OUT FOR IMPOSTORS

7. Danza, 10-1

Danza the horse does not have a Twitter account. Tony Danza, after whom the horse is named, does. AND HE’S PUMPED ABOUTT THE HORSE:

So you might as well follow Tony Danza if you want to follow the horse named after Tony Danza:

8. Wildcat Red 15-1

Not A Horse -- rather a dead account with two Normal Guy Tweets:

Wildcatred_medium

9. Medal Count, 14-1

This account just tweeted spam about the medal count during the 2008 Beijing Olympics, then died:

Medalcount_medium

10. Candy Boy, 20-1

DJ Candy Boy is a Spanish-language DJ in Orlando:

11. Uncle Sigh, 30-1

Uncle Sigh does not have a Twitter, but Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty, after whom Uncle Sigh is presumably named, does. It is very much like you’d expect the Twitter of one of the Duck Dynasty people to be like.

12. Samraat, 5-1

This horse is a porn robot:

Screen_shot_2014-05-02_at_10.36.28_am_medium

DO NOT FIND AND CLICK THAT LINK

13. Tapiture, 15-1

This is some sort of social app that lets you pay for stuff?

But the account seems to just be THINGS WE THINK YOU'LL CLICK ON

14. Vinceremos, 30-1

An organic winery:

15-20: The field (GET ON TWITTER LAME-O HORSES)

See More:

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