2014 Kentucky Derby horse name power rankings

Horse names! For some reason, there’s a formula that goes into making them funny and playful, but only in a way that somebody who can afford to own a damn thoroughbred racehorse might understand.

Horse races! For some reason, there’s an understanding that we should bet on them, even though we all know jack squat about horse racing and are guaranteed to lose money.

Because of these two things, the wisest way to make a Kentucky Derby bet is just by picking the horse whose name you like the best. That’s a matter of personal preference, and we can’t dissuade you from thinking any of these horses have the best name. However, that’s not going to stop us from compiling a list of the horses in the Kentucky Derby, 1-19, based on how much we like their names. (Kentucky Derby odds come from here, accurate as of Friday morning.)

Holidays are supposed to be fun, carefree days off. INTENSE HOLIDAY DON’T PLAY THAT. Intense Holiday will kick your ass in the Easter Egg hunt. He’ll throw you out of his cookout for drinking imported beer on the Fourth of July. He actually exhumed corpses to make his haunted house authentic. (There are such things as intense holidays, and they’re all Jewish. Don’t worry, I won’t snap at you for wishing me a Happy Yom Kippur.)

Through his steroids scandal, Alex Rodriguez has disgraced himself, the New York Yankees and in the eyes of many, the entire game of baseball. There’s only one solution. PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF THE UNITED STATES MILITARY.

Note: the horse is named for original owner Armando Rodriguez, not, yanno, this guy.

This horse is, in fact, Boston Strong. Although it is a tad disappointing the word “pissah” is not in the name.

They named a horse after Tony Danza, y’all. This horse is the boss.

I can’t believe the words “California” and “chrome” have never been used back-to-back in a rap song before.

We miss Artie too, y’all. And we don’t even know who Artie is. We’ll just have to assume it’s Marge’s old boyfriend Artie Ziff from The Simpsons. Although we don’t really miss him.

This is the first horse named after SEO. Look out for next year’s Bieber LeBron Free iPhone.

WHAT DID THE VICAR DO? This is probably the Most Horse Name horse name in the field this year.

Things to dance with power rankings:

1. The Stars

2. Wolves

3. Fate

4. The Devil

5. Dragons

I’ve been to Cuba twice, and they’re big fans of this horse. Spelled it wrong, tho.

Yes, but who’s the jockey riding on Ride On Curlin?

THIS HOLIDAY AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ ON INTENSE HOLIDAY. I BET HARRY’S CHILLIN’ IN HIS BACKYARD DRINKING A SUMMER SHANDY. MAN UP, HARRY. GET ON INTENSE HOLIDAY’S LEVEL.

I was a much bigger fan of this horse until I realized it was named after a character on Duck Dynasty. I mean, no offense if you like Duck Dynasty. Don’t write me letters or anything because I don’t like Duck Dynasty.

NAH, SON, WILDCAT PURP.

This word means “EMPEROR” in Sanskrit, which is hot as all hell and incredibly dope. But it isn’t really a horse name, so it gets bumped down to 16.

Chitu cheatin, y’all.

nope

I dunno what this app is but it seems pretty awful and I hate it.